I keep on thinking and I wonder, does it really matter? Days go by and all I can do it to figure out what went wrong and what do I do. But I realize now, the only way I can fix what went wrong is to turn back time. I hate seeing little children playing, they used to look adorable to me but not anymore, it triggers me now. I just feel like the happy moments that they are going through belongs to me and it reminds me how my happiness was stolen away from me. Instead of playing with other children in the park, I spend my childhood alone and in fear, not knowing when my parents are gonna find reasons to blame and hit me again. They used to be caring, like when I was 5 or 6. How can they blame me for being born abnormal, that I am less intelligent and couldn't catch up with other kids? Is that my fault? I remember how I used to sit at home and think about how other kids are having fun outside and I am forced to stay at home cause I got no friends. Everyone says I am a freak. Nobody likes me, even the teachers think I am a retard. Yeah, I am. I never really knew what I was doing, used to be in school just to go through the motions not wanting to think of tomorrow. Seeing teenagers hurts me so much cause their lives belong to me. I should be going out to parties, hanging out with friends instead of being avoided by everyone cause they think I am a psycho. I was a psycho in a way. But what was I supposed to do? I feel like I am cheated into living this life, just like I have been cheated by people who claims to be my true friend and that they can accept me the way I am and wanting to help me, in the end, its all the same. I don't know what else to hope for now. I refuse to face the fact that all my efforts to learn to love life again will only end up in vain as it always does. I realize there is no point in hoping for something that won't happen simply because it won't. I can't bear another day living in this loneliness and pain, its overpowering me. If the fact is I will continue to suffer long as I choose to live then I guess there is no point in trying too hard or maybe don't even have to try. If living is to suffer, then I guess its foolish that I keep on thinking.