I am trying to break a bad habit. When I truly begin to feel suicidal, I begin to close down. I have signed on and off this forum many times trying to convince myself to post this feeling. I want to end it. My life has become a secluded nightmare. I have nothing planned to do in the future, and my life now is nothing. To escape this feeling, I have been taking Xanax more often. I want to fade away into nothing and never come out again.