Closing my eyes for the last time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by bipolarjoe, Jul 19, 2011.

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  1. bipolarjoe

    bipolarjoe Active Member

    It seems to get worse for me every day. I know many of you out there are suffering. Nothing makes me happy. Most all of my smiles are fake. My body is really hurting. I have chronic pain. It is hard to walk and my job as a waiter involves a lot of walking and being nice to people. I do get good tips so my fakeness must be working. I am still able to be efficient, even as I limp. It is so hard to stand there, be mistreated, looked down upon and smile. I realize that my job is not very valued in our society as many jobs that aren't professional and carry a big paycheck are looked down upon. I shouldn't even be writing this stuff when so many are out of work, I should be happy to even have a job.

    All in my life is gone. I no longer believe in anything. I would love to check out but this is so looked down upon, probably illegal, and something that is frowned upon by religious people.

    I would love for someone to tell me how to live with this pain. Coupled with the pain comes a profound depression, with periods of racing thoughts. Thoughts are coming to me that were buried in my mind for decades. I experienced much abuse by others, things that I witnessed, like a robbery when a store clerk had a milk bottle smashed in his face during the robbery. I forgot about that and now can remember the experience as clear as day. I must have been 10 years old. I notice all kind of stuff that doesn’t matter to most people. I see a sidewalk crumbling or a pothole in a street, or a lamppost rusting, or button to press to make the streetlights work so I can cross the street just hanging by a wire and it bothers me. My question is why? Do normal people see urban decay and even care about it?

    I am so tired. Really tired. I can't afford the meds I need. I do get psychiatric meds from the county and food stamps. I have no insurance, and have no idea what happens when I get really sick.

    What is the point to life? I had friends before I had a breakdown. I had friends before my fibromyalgia started. I had friends when I had some money. Now I have nothing. I have a brother that has scammed me. He ruined my credit, and other's credit, via identity theft. I basically have nothing.

    My mom got really sick. I used up all my retirement money and savings to keep her in a nursing home. I never complained about spending ever dime I had to help her. I never asked anyone for financial help during all of this. I made myself poor over it. I have no money. My sister, with whom I had a good relationship for many years, now hates me. She sent me a vicious note about pre-paying for my mom's her cremation expenses (note she is still alive). No one thanked me for anything that I did. I did not ask for praise or even mentioned the financial and personal burden it was on me. I am now cursed since I can no longer help.

    I am not explaining all that is going on with me. I am actually too ashamed to do so. I would love to close my eyes and never see the light of day again. All that I ever held dear is gone. I so would love to check out. I realize that I am really going on, but sharing this here, even if no one reads it really helps. It is my sounding board. If anyone reads it, thanks.

  2. Jeserai

    Jeserai Well-Known Member

    I read you. And I'm sorry to read what situation you're in.

    All that I ever held dear is gone. I so would love to check out. I realize that I am really going on, but sharing this here, even if no one reads it really helps.

    You can get new dear things. Good things can come again.

    Good that writing here does help you. Keep writing!
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Chronic pain = chronic misery, so cut yourself some slack.

    Do you know what is causing the pain?
  4. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I wish there was something I could say that would help you. Just want you to know I read your post, and I'm listening. Here if you ever want to talk. :hug:
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Joe, Do they have a pain management clinic where you live..It might help you if you can find one..You've already told me the pain your in..I feel for you.. I have been there..Mine finally went away after surgery..Have you talked to your doctor about going under the knife?? We have become friends and even with the pain your in you still have a sence of humor..If you go to surgery go to a state supported hospital.. They will bill you but all you have to do is file bankruptcy and they will go away..Thats all I can think of for now.. I wish you the best!! Joseph
  6. LoveBeing

    LoveBeing Well-Known Member

    Dear Joe,

    Sorry that you are hurting…

    It’s important to remember what a wonderful human being you are - you did your best and you were even selfless in a way…

    Humbleness is a virtue. Only ignorance would look down upon such beautiful qualities. Hold your head up when you feel that kind of look towards you. Who knows - you may even teach them something about our being equal as human beings…

    There is nothing wrong with your uniqueness. Of course it’s okay that you notice things that doesn’t matter to most people... Maybe move your attention to the trees or flowers because you would probably enjoy a little more :)

    You can ignore your sister’s “vicious note“. Don’t let anyone’s viciousness manipulate you. Don’t feel cursed since you can no longer help. Instead, get whatever help you need if you can for your own well-being because you do deserve it. You are loved and you do matter…

    There is no need to be ashamed forwhatever, Joe…if only you know what a beautiful being you are!

    With loving wishes and hugs :hug: :pinkrose:
  7. bipolarjoe

    bipolarjoe Active Member

    Thanks!! You really made my day.
  8. TLA

    TLA Antiquitie's Friend

    I have not been on in a looong time. Your post hit me hard. I don't have chronic physical pain, just mental pain.

    I read you loud and clear. Your words helped me not feel so alone. :unsure:

  9. bipolarjoe

    bipolarjoe Active Member


    This forum is a wonderful place, it provides help for people that are suffering. I am glad that you got something out of my post. It is good to not feel so alone and if my post did that for you it did some good. In a weird way you have made me feel good and have given me something positive to think about today. Doing good for someone that I don't know personally, but electronically, is pretty much the same as doing something good for someone standing right next to me. Please be assurred that you are in my thoughts. Somehow we will make it.

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