It seems to get worse for me every day. I know many of you out there are suffering. Nothing makes me happy. Most all of my smiles are fake. My body is really hurting. I have chronic pain. It is hard to walk and my job as a waiter involves a lot of walking and being nice to people. I do get good tips so my fakeness must be working. I am still able to be efficient, even as I limp. It is so hard to stand there, be mistreated, looked down upon and smile. I realize that my job is not very valued in our society as many jobs that aren't professional and carry a big paycheck are looked down upon. I shouldn't even be writing this stuff when so many are out of work, I should be happy to even have a job.
All in my life is gone. I no longer believe in anything. I would love to check out but this is so looked down upon, probably illegal, and something that is frowned upon by religious people.
I would love for someone to tell me how to live with this pain. Coupled with the pain comes a profound depression, with periods of racing thoughts. Thoughts are coming to me that were buried in my mind for decades. I experienced much abuse by others, things that I witnessed, like a robbery when a store clerk had a milk bottle smashed in his face during the robbery. I forgot about that and now can remember the experience as clear as day. I must have been 10 years old. I notice all kind of stuff that doesn’t matter to most people. I see a sidewalk crumbling or a pothole in a street, or a lamppost rusting, or button to press to make the streetlights work so I can cross the street just hanging by a wire and it bothers me. My question is why? Do normal people see urban decay and even care about it?
I am so tired. Really tired. I can't afford the meds I need. I do get psychiatric meds from the county and food stamps. I have no insurance, and have no idea what happens when I get really sick.
What is the point to life? I had friends before I had a breakdown. I had friends before my fibromyalgia started. I had friends when I had some money. Now I have nothing. I have a brother that has scammed me. He ruined my credit, and other's credit, via identity theft. I basically have nothing.
My mom got really sick. I used up all my retirement money and savings to keep her in a nursing home. I never complained about spending ever dime I had to help her. I never asked anyone for financial help during all of this. I made myself poor over it. I have no money. My sister, with whom I had a good relationship for many years, now hates me. She sent me a vicious note about pre-paying for my mom's her cremation expenses (note she is still alive). No one thanked me for anything that I did. I did not ask for praise or even mentioned the financial and personal burden it was on me. I am now cursed since I can no longer help.
I am not explaining all that is going on with me. I am actually too ashamed to do so. I would love to close my eyes and never see the light of day again. All that I ever held dear is gone. I so would love to check out. I realize that I am really going on, but sharing this here, even if no one reads it really helps. It is my sounding board. If anyone reads it, thanks.
Joe
All in my life is gone. I no longer believe in anything. I would love to check out but this is so looked down upon, probably illegal, and something that is frowned upon by religious people.
I would love for someone to tell me how to live with this pain. Coupled with the pain comes a profound depression, with periods of racing thoughts. Thoughts are coming to me that were buried in my mind for decades. I experienced much abuse by others, things that I witnessed, like a robbery when a store clerk had a milk bottle smashed in his face during the robbery. I forgot about that and now can remember the experience as clear as day. I must have been 10 years old. I notice all kind of stuff that doesn’t matter to most people. I see a sidewalk crumbling or a pothole in a street, or a lamppost rusting, or button to press to make the streetlights work so I can cross the street just hanging by a wire and it bothers me. My question is why? Do normal people see urban decay and even care about it?
I am so tired. Really tired. I can't afford the meds I need. I do get psychiatric meds from the county and food stamps. I have no insurance, and have no idea what happens when I get really sick.
What is the point to life? I had friends before I had a breakdown. I had friends before my fibromyalgia started. I had friends when I had some money. Now I have nothing. I have a brother that has scammed me. He ruined my credit, and other's credit, via identity theft. I basically have nothing.
My mom got really sick. I used up all my retirement money and savings to keep her in a nursing home. I never complained about spending ever dime I had to help her. I never asked anyone for financial help during all of this. I made myself poor over it. I have no money. My sister, with whom I had a good relationship for many years, now hates me. She sent me a vicious note about pre-paying for my mom's her cremation expenses (note she is still alive). No one thanked me for anything that I did. I did not ask for praise or even mentioned the financial and personal burden it was on me. I am now cursed since I can no longer help.
I am not explaining all that is going on with me. I am actually too ashamed to do so. I would love to close my eyes and never see the light of day again. All that I ever held dear is gone. I so would love to check out. I realize that I am really going on, but sharing this here, even if no one reads it really helps. It is my sounding board. If anyone reads it, thanks.
Joe
