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Closure! (Finality)

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Banned Member
This is the most painful and difficult message that I am going to create. Contrary to every thread of topic and post that I have created, whether it was public or private, the things that will be stated in this message are things that I will actually mean. I will also "expose" myself. This is also the final message that will be devised by me. I will begin by stating those things. I have not always been an outstanding friend. What I mean, is that, I cannot hold particular human beings accountable for not being there for me, when there were many times when I was not there for a great many human beings, especially my friends, former friends, and most members of my family whom I know and have known.

I have not always been a morally exceptional human being to others, and therefore, I cannot constantly blame those who do not display positive characteristics to me, such as beneficence, liberality, deference, congeniality, munificence, and affection, when I have not always exhibited those characteristics towards everyone with whom I have been in contact, especially my friends, former friends, and most members of my family whom I know and have known. The adages, "People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.", "The pot calling the kettle black.", and similar aphorisms apply explicitly and perfectly towards me.

Otherwise averred, I cannot become indignant with those who had abandoned, rejected, ignored, or significantly hurt me, when I have also done those exact things towards people throughout my life (family, personal friends, electronic friends, strangers, and acquaintances). Ever since I have been alive (more than twenty-five years), I am capable of asserting that the majority (more than ninety-five percent) of all the close relationships that I have had with others deteriorated, because of me. I have not been there for most people with whom I was intimate, who wanted or needed me. I have voluntarily desisted communication with most of my former friends (online and offline friends). I have willingly induced pain, whether it was infinitesimal or prodigious, towards most people who were in my life.

I cannot complain about those who were cruel towards me, and those who had maltreated me, when I have also been cruel and have mistreated a preponderance of people who were in my life. When I was young, I used to be a bully and I was extremely discourteous, even with my own parents. I think that every adverse situation that has occurred in my life regarding me was deserved, since every unfavorable thing that I have done to others, has been done towards me; perhaps it is karma. I was cruel to most people in my life, and hence, many people were cruel to me. I have bullied and mistreated others, and thus, many people have bullied and treated me badly. I have also taken advantaged of, used, and abused people. Consequently, by the probable subsistence of karma, I, too, was taken advantaged of, used, and abused by others.

I have revealed myself, because I am exasperated of portraying myself as a "nice person", "good person", "great person", "a virtuous human being", "a goody-goody", or "impeccable", when I have "skeletons in my closet" that designates the opposite of those. Even the other "percentages" of the relationships that I have possessed, which I was not wholly responsible for the deterioration or cessation of the relationship, I should still take at least partial accountability for the enfeeblement or termination of the associations. Connections are (or are supposed to be mutual) mutual; and accordingly, if that connection ends or the strength of that connection mollifies, all those who are involve should be held amenable for the conclusion or mollification of that connection.

I am not morally immaculate; I am not going to attempt to make myself deemed "good" by all of you. I have never claimed to be perfect, and I am definite that no human being is perfect in a general sense, but specifically, in an ethical or a moral sense. For more than ten years, I have been endeavoring my best to become a better human being, even though my attempts have been abortive numerous times during more than those ten years (or more than a decade). I am trying to become more affectionate, solicitous, benevolent, magnanimous, decorous, and commiserative. I am now taking responsibility for the failure of my friendships and acquaintanceships with every member of this forum. I am accountable for the surcease of my relationship with everyone of whom I have had knowledge in a personal fashion.

I have taken many protracted "breaks" from this forum, and from the members of it, by frequently cancelling my electronic mail addresses, and by constantly repudiating my accounts of America Online Instant Messenger and Yahoo! Instant Messenger. By my doing those things, it has caused practically every member not to have the capability of contacting me. Ever since I have been a member of this forum, I have taken more than ten "breaks", with fewer than six of those breaks lasting for more than three months. I have deactivated my electronic mail accounts, and accounts of two instant messengers abruptly; without warning or notifying the members that I would perpetrate the acts. That has caused most friendships and acquaintanceships that I have had with the members to discontinue, and for the rest of the friendships and acquaintanceships to mitigate in regard to intimacy and fondness.

Consequently, what all of that denotes, is that, I am the reason nearly all of my friendships and acquaintanceships concerning the members had dissolved. Put differently, I am to blame -- no one else. It is as simple as that. I want to apologize to everyone whom I have hurt in some manner. I apologize that I have not been an excellent friend. I am sorry that I was not there when I was wanted or needed. I apologize to every member to whom I was disrespectful, and to every member whom I have treated wretchedly. I apologize to anyone whom feelings I have hurt acutely. Just in case anyone whom I have known personally is reading this (or is a member of this forum), I apologize for taking advantage of, using, paining, and abusing you.

If it is contingent, all I wish is for everyone whom I have harmed in any way to forgive me, and if not, I will accept that as well. I want to "get everything that I have concealed off my chest", since I desire to move on with my life with a clear conscience. I also want to achieve many of my goals, and a plenitudinous amount of those goals involves morality; my becoming a more moral individual, by displaying more positive attributes towards humanity. Please forgive me if you are able to do that. I actually do not enjoy the reality that many people were hurt by my actions, speech, words, beliefs, opinions, and motives. I think that it is time for me to change, and I will commence that change tomorrow. I am trying to enhance myself morally to make amends for all of the bad things that I have executed in my life. It is truly time for that change to occur soon; not later.

As has been mentioned, this is my final message of the forum. I appreciate all of those who were being positive to one another. If more people in the world were similar to many of the members, the world would have been a better place. I appreciate all of my antecedent companions for tolerating my mistreatment of them, and for constantly giving me opportunities to remain their companions, especially Robin (who is still a close friend of mine). I have been rude towards him many times, and yet, he still wanted me to be in his life, and to remain his friend. I have been harsh towards every member with whom I was close, and to every member with whom I am currently close. For years, I have been harsh towards Tracie, Sarah, Deborah, Josh, Hazel, Helena, Christina, Michael, Crystal, Chrissy, Rick, Margaret, Laura, Liam, Danii, Jodi, Grace, Cindy, Alex, Lyndsey, Kimberly, Elizabeth, Jenny, Amy, and many others.

For more than six years of my being a member, I have had more than twenty friends, but at that time, my definition of a "friend" was loose, I have had more than fifty friends; more than two hundred if one wants to utilize the word more loosely. I was closely acquainted with more than twenty-five members. There were a great number of times when I was harsh towards the members, that I was surprised that I was not permanently banned. Maybe at that time, I had an advantage, since almost every administrator and moderator was a "close friend" of mine. I have gotten away with many things, that today, I would not, since at the present time, the rules of the forum are more stringent. I have even broken the "ultimate rule" of the forum, and I was eminently astonished that at that time, I was not permanently banned.

I have gotten banned several times, but it had not lasted for a long time. I still remember giving the moderators and administrators a difficult time. I was basically a "problem child" of the forum. I was generally very positive towards the members, but occasionally, I would be in an ireful mood, and take my anger out on all of my friends, and members who were not my friends. I do not feel good about that at all, which is why I need to change my life, especially how I behave or act, but not just how I act online, but how I act offline, too; decorum is indispensable to me. To make that alteration, I have to cease all forms of communication in reference to the forum. Today is the last day that I am going to communicate with any member on the forum. It is the last day that I will forward private and visitor messages. It is the last day that I will develop and reply to any thread or post.

I will still visit the forum, but I am not going to interact with anyone on it. I will still read the threads, posts, and private and visitor messages, but just do not expect me to interact with anyone on it. Anyone who desires to send any private messages to me should do it today, because almost at the end of the day, I am going to disable the feature of private messaging. September the sixth of two thousand and four was the first day that I have joined the forum, and now, today, which is April the twenty-eighth of two thousand and eleven (or twenty eleven), will be the final day of my being active on it. I have met so many wonderful members, and I do hope that the atmosphere of the forum remains generally loving and caring while I am gone. I am truly sorry that I was not a better friend. If I could make things better years ago, I would have, but I have to accept the fact that I have hurt a momentous number of members, and it is something with which I have to live for the remainder of my existence. I also hope that if any of you do not forgive me soon, that any of you would be capable of forgiving me sometime in the distant future, because I am sorry for being harsh on all of you.

Please, take care of yourselves and of one another. I care about all of you, and I wish the best for all of you. It was very difficult to create this message, and I have experienced several emotions and feelings just by procreating it. Robin, Tracie, Deborah, Josh, Helena, Hazel, Elizabeth, Sarah and many others -- I am still amazed that all of you were capable of abiding my unmannerly behavior towards all of you. I was cruel and disrespectful, nevertheless, all of you still were positive towards me, and wanted to still be my friend. I have not always been a marvelous friend, and I apologize for that. I wish that I could improve my relationship with all of you, but I think that it is best for me to move on. It is auspicious for all of you and for me. This will be my hundredth post, and as I have stated a few times, my terminal post. Farewell everyone; I am going to miss all of you. William has now immutably left the building.
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