Cloudy + Numb

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by OhneDich, Oct 31, 2010.

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  1. OhneDich

    OhneDich Well-Known Member

    I’m writing in this forum because it seems now the only way I can get rid of what is contantly bothering me. It may not work, but at least it will be some minutes of refief. Or not.

    I don’t know when “it” started (by it I mean this strange person I am) I only know (or suppose) I have something called avoidant personality disorder. I’ve never been to a doctor so I could have a true diagnosis, but I fit in every aspect of it.

    Since I can remember, the “depression” started when I was 14. I didn’t want to have friends anymore, I honestly don’t know if I didn’t want it or if I was forced to do it. So, my life was a mixt of few times of intense happiness and many days in sadness, which made me think a lot about suicide. No, I won’t do this. I don’t have courage to it.

    One: I have a boyfriend who would literally die if I did it. And I love him with every strenght I could possibly have.
    Two: I don’t wanna make people suffer because of me. Nor disappoint anyone (specially my family. It took a while, but now I dear say I really love them).
    Three: I have this strange fear about going to some terrible place. I don’t believe in that hell people create. I don’t have a single religion. What I do believe is we get what we need/deserve. So I suppose If I kill myself, I will have what I deserve: my mind will be so confused that I’m gonna suffer much more than I could realize right now. Nothing related to “divine vengeance” or something like that.

    I belive, or I hope, things will get better.

    So, I deal with difficult people. My life is a bit conturbated because of them, but somehow I ask for that. Sometimes I feel it’s the reason why I’m here, to take care of these ones that come to my life in a conflictuous way.

    Yesterday I heard some awful true things about myself. Unfortunately I believe it’s true, even if it’s not. I feel I should do more for the ones I love. But I can’t. Or I couldn’t, because I really wanna change. I don’t know if anyone will understand it, but I can’t correcly express my feelings/thoughts. I can’t talk in any difficult situations, being it presentations in university or dealing with people face to face. I feel like a zumbi, or worst. At least zumbis do something, right? I don’t.

    I create a pink world deep inside of me, in which I’m happy, and I guess that’s what makes me give steps forward. I don’t know how I can distinguish what’s real and what’s not, if I’m happy or not, If I can or can’t do things I want or need. It seems hard to open my eyes in the morning and do what I have to do. The strenght I need so I can wake up is something I can’t put into words.
    I wish they could see and feel, not hear, that I love them.
  2. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    why haven't you been to a doctor? that might help
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Your right you cannot diagnose yourself depression pushes people away as well
    Go to a professional get diagnosed and get some help for you
    No need to do this all by yourself a professional a pdoc your own doc will be able to help start you feeling better with meds.
    hope you go and get some professioanl help but glad you are here reaching out for help too okay that is a good thing
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