I’m writing in this forum because it seems now the only way I can get rid of what is contantly bothering me. It may not work, but at least it will be some minutes of refief. Or not. I don’t know when “it” started (by it I mean this strange person I am) I only know (or suppose) I have something called avoidant personality disorder. I’ve never been to a doctor so I could have a true diagnosis, but I fit in every aspect of it. Since I can remember, the “depression” started when I was 14. I didn’t want to have friends anymore, I honestly don’t know if I didn’t want it or if I was forced to do it. So, my life was a mixt of few times of intense happiness and many days in sadness, which made me think a lot about suicide. No, I won’t do this. I don’t have courage to it. One: I have a boyfriend who would literally die if I did it. And I love him with every strenght I could possibly have. Two: I don’t wanna make people suffer because of me. Nor disappoint anyone (specially my family. It took a while, but now I dear say I really love them). Three: I have this strange fear about going to some terrible place. I don’t believe in that hell people create. I don’t have a single religion. What I do believe is we get what we need/deserve. So I suppose If I kill myself, I will have what I deserve: my mind will be so confused that I’m gonna suffer much more than I could realize right now. Nothing related to “divine vengeance” or something like that. I belive, or I hope, things will get better. So, I deal with difficult people. My life is a bit conturbated because of them, but somehow I ask for that. Sometimes I feel it’s the reason why I’m here, to take care of these ones that come to my life in a conflictuous way. Yesterday I heard some awful true things about myself. Unfortunately I believe it’s true, even if it’s not. I feel I should do more for the ones I love. But I can’t. Or I couldn’t, because I really wanna change. I don’t know if anyone will understand it, but I can’t correcly express my feelings/thoughts. I can’t talk in any difficult situations, being it presentations in university or dealing with people face to face. I feel like a zumbi, or worst. At least zumbis do something, right? I don’t. I create a pink world deep inside of me, in which I’m happy, and I guess that’s what makes me give steps forward. I don’t know how I can distinguish what’s real and what’s not, if I’m happy or not, If I can or can’t do things I want or need. It seems hard to open my eyes in the morning and do what I have to do. The strenght I need so I can wake up is something I can’t put into words. I wish they could see and feel, not hear, that I love them.