Clueless

[Urgrimm]

Let me tell you first on how i got here...
I was married for 3 years and was going out with her for an additional 3 . She had a son which i helped raise, hes 7 now.
Anyways just before christmas she told me that she was not happy with me anymore . I tried everything, i planned counceling but to no avail.
Then in January after i moved out i found out she has been seeing my best friend . i confronted both of them and they admitted to it. At this point i wanted the divorce. We kept it civil throughout but when the divorce was finalized she wanted to stay friends... i could not do that and told her what i thought of her for hurting me like this. Then i am not involved in her sons life anymore, she had put a stop to that.
So in March i met someone , we clicked and she moved in with me (i know to fast i know) however i have been grieving alot. well then now to my current " situation"

For the last week or so i have been contemplating to end it all, i am tired of being disappointed, tired that i failed at something important. I have been searching online for painless methods. Been working non stop for the last 10 days. I am scared to leave the house because i might run into one or both of them. I am not sure im not going to do something stupid when i see my ex best friend. I just feel plain miserable. Keep blaming myself for what went wrong. Here is the kicker though, i do not want her back , i do have someone nice now but still i feel like i am trapped on this world . that no matter how good my morals are that everyone just screws with me.

I am out of ideas.

 

[jabooty]

hey bud, first off welcome!! im new to...

i wanted to personally respond to this thread, because man i feel your pain, in the biggest way.

i to, have had a very similar situation! I wasnt married, but we were together for 2 years. Long story short, i fell in love with her, she moved in and when I needed her the most, she up and left. After a couple of months i tried to reconcile with her. She hurt me...a few months later I tried again and even tho she was more respective, I could tell she was seeing someone else. Actually it turned out the person that she was seeing was someone whom we had both met (a co-workers brother) the last weekend we were together.

Her last words to me were so hurtful, that it cut me to the core and it still echos in my head!

now lets back up a bit...while we were in our "seperation mode" I to found someone else. But every minute my thoughts were with the x and not the new one. I knew right out of the gate, that it wasnt goign to work, but was forcing the issue. SHes haunting me bro and she still does. I took her in when she had nothing and all kinds of red flags, gave her everything including my heart. I so desperatly want her back...but i know that it will never work again. I shouldnt have called her back when i did...it did more damage to me.

I know how your feeling and believe me I know how much it fuckin sucks!!!

now for her to get together with your best friend...god, that hurts and is the ultimate slap in the face. Not just by her but your friend as well. And for your friend to break the marriage up, that is not a friend. I know this may sound harsh, but your better off without either one of them.

I still havent be able to date normally since my breakup. 2 ppl came into my life after her and I pushed both of them away. The one was even way better looking, nicer and was into me so much more than my ex. I did that because she was in my thoughts every waking moment!

I know the one thing that prob hurts you most, is the loss of connection with her son. You raised him bro...and that is very honerable.

This time is all about you my friend!! You need to purge her and man I wish I could give you tips on how to...the only way is time. There is nothing wrong with burying yourself into your work. But dont be afraid to go out, and if you run into either one of them, pretend that it doesnt even bother you. Smile at them, tell them how well your doing and how things have dramaitcally changed for the better. Honesty is always number 1 with me, but fuck them...lie if you have to. Dont let them see you upset.

In the long run, your the better person. And you know if she cheated on you while you were married...either he or she will cheat on the other and it will end sooner than you think. By then you would have met someone else, even better than her and you will be the one who will be laughing!

Dont blame yourself. Its not your fault. Relationships are the hardest things you can mange. And if both parties dont work on it, then its not even worth it. Looks like to me you tried everything you could, what else could you have done?? the answer is nothing!

Embrace what you have now! and be thankful that you found someone that may possibly help you through this rough time. and before you know it you wont even be thinking about the ex. Its very hard I know, but it can be done...just give it time.

 

[jabooty]

btw...if you go thru with ending it, guess who won?? dont give either one of them the satisfaction! they dont deserve it and your life is far more valuable then theirs will ever be.

god i hate cheats...nothing worse than grown adults sneaking behind peoples backs and intentionally hurting them.

 

[Urgrimm]

i have not cheated once on her, i consider myself an attractive male of my species lol, i had numerous girls that were interested in me through out the marriage. Yet i stood firm and never wavered in my commitment to her.
Then here she comes and moves in with my ex best friend. oh well i am mostly over this but i am seriously clueless why i am so depressed... i mean shouldnt i be happy? hell i fell for my new girlfriend i should be happy right?
Yet i feel so miserable that i think about the weirdest things... murder, suicide, just up and leave and go to a different country... those are thoughts that are ever present (well the murder idea came in a fit of rage and i would never have the balls to do it lol) i am not abusive in any way , i dont lie , the only tick i got is smoking cigarettes i dont even drink... and here all of the sudden i see myself cussing, swearing, lashing out at people when they pester me with their concern... this just cant be normal

 

[IV2010]

btw...if you go thru with ending it, guess who won?? dont give either one of them the satisfaction! they dont deserve it and your life is far more valuable then theirs will ever be.

god i hate cheats...nothing worse than grown adults sneaking behind peoples backs and intentionally hurting them.

I agree with jabooty....I understand your pain too...my partner (of 13 years) cheated on me and I wanted to die ,.....you have the added grief of losing the little boy you helped raise.....have you thought of getting visitation rights with him through the courts??
stay and work through your grief .....it takes time but you can get through it....
I've been on my own for 4 years now and it's ok...
and the anger is normal and so is the revenge thinking....
I believe in karma...it does come around...
maybe some therapy would help..it helped me...
take care.......

 

[jabooty]

believe it or not it is...your grieving your loss man. as much as you have blocked it, its like a festering wound and will be until it heals

shit, I was going to join the French Foregin Legion! to get a chance to do all those things you mentioned! Im 39 years old man! the training alone would have killed me...and Im in great shape! hey dont get any ideas you dont want to go there either.

your upset and have every right to be. You were betrayed. It's your heart that was betrayed. Your just suffering from a broken heart. Someone told me once that women fall in love faster than men do but fall out of love faster than men do as well. We dont like to admit that we could have a broken heart becuase were guys and that kind of seems gay (no offense to anyone) to us. But it happens more often that you think. Thats why your lashing out, your frustrated and again you have every right to be. I lashed out so much I eventually dislocated my thumb. Ill never lash out like that again again!

you and I are actually very much alike. When I commit to someone, im committed. I too have been approached while in a relationship and altho very flattering, didnt want to have anything to do with it.

 

[Urgrimm]

hmmmm my girlfriend has been very supportive of the matter , she is going thru a divorce as well, mine was finalized , hers is still going... and she also has kids so she has it propably harder and i do not bother her to much with my problems.
And it does help that i am talking to you guys about it. But i just dont know if i really want to go on...im not really sad im just tired of people taking advantage of me for my good nature...

 

[IV2010]

..im not really sad im just tired of people taking advantage of me for my good nature...

have you ever done an assertiveness course?.....I did one and I have a councelor who is teaching me nice ways to be assertive and look after me for a change...also there's lots of books on the subject.....
I'm also fed up with people using and abusing me....:hug:

 

[shazwackers]

I too understand where you're coming from....my husband left after 5 years of marriage and said really cruel things before he left that took years of CBT to put into perspective.

What you are feeling is perfectly understandable. They were wicked to do what they did and what goes around comes around so they will get their just rewards.

Please think about some form of therapy/help. I wish I had sought help straight away instead of strugling 7 years until I had a breakdown and couldnt function and spent 8 months in a psych ward.

Don't let it eat your soul, and as was said...walk past them with your head held high....you're the winner, not them. They are the ones stuck in a relationship based on lies and deceipt, not you my friend.

 

[Urgrimm]

thank you all for the kind words... i got a lot of thinking to do

 

[Urgrimm]

having a rough time again, the odd nostalgic moment hits out of nowhere and here i am again. sigh...

 

[IV2010]

that's a thing with grief/loss .... it hits you on and off and takes time to work through...
just get through one day at a time or even an hour at a time....
have you got yourself some counceling ? meds?
take care...we are still here for you...

 

[Urgrimm]

Ok my new relationship failed and i am alone again ... but for some reason i am void of emotion... nothing not even a little sad. kinda worries me.
And no i do not take any meds or see a counselor