I am not sure this is the best forum for my rambling. However, I feel it should go here
There has been a lot on my mind.* Lets start off with my kitty.* I put her back on meds for her Thyroid, and well now she is not eating nearly as much as she used too.. I mean at times it looks like she is not even eating.* I think it might be the meds... however, I do not know for sure.* When I took her off her meds she was eating more... but not that much more.* So I am worried there is something more wrong with her.. and I do not know what... she is now down to 4.5 lbs
It is stressful.. I hope she is ok.* When I think about it she is really all I have left in this world.* Without her, killing myself would not be a challenge.
Next is my job hunt.* I started this too early.* I mean... holy crap every recruiter I talk too says that they need me now and I cannot make that kind of commitment.* I say I want to move, but deep down I know I cannot afford it... I hope I get this Virginia job, but if I don't I think I might be more open to being in state for another year or two.** This time I will actually save up so I can move... that would be nice.* I have a phone screen today... I hope that I pass it.* I also hope to hear back from the Comcast lady... it was probably a bad move to tell her I would prefer to move out of state...well whatever... I don't care right now.* I have another interview and the offers keep coming in.* Maybe I will just hold off until February... I don't know... maybe I won't... god I want out of my current job.
Finally has been my recent depression spell.* I kind of noticed it start when I skipped my social exercises.* You know for whatever stupid excuse I could find.* Whether it be beta testing or exhaustion or just wanting to get trashed.* I could always find an excuse.* Then I noticed, gradually, I was becoming depressed.* Which really sucked, it was first slow and small.* Then I dropped off the face of the planet.* I was sent back into my pessimistic mood and started brooding all over again.** I am back to my defeatist ways and I am hard pressed to say that I want to leave. *
I am still trying to decide whether or not I want to do the social exercises or not.* Part of me wants to because I need the skills.* However, I know that if I do them.* It will be like buying something just to have it, like my video game collection.* My games sit on my self, and collect dust.* My social skills would do the same.* In particular my skills for getting females.* Which was the whole point of that idea.* Go out and talk to women.* However, I now realize that I would only get sex out of women, nothing more.* I really need nothing more than that from women.* So I guess why bother even trying if all I want is sex.* That won't get me a prolonged sexual relationship.* Plus there is all the rejection and stuff involved in getting to that point.* It is all too much work for too little reward.* You know seeing as how I doubt I could last more than 2 minutes. *
So I am saying I should just give up on relationships and start preparing myself for suicide.* That is what I am saying right now.* Swear off women and relationships.* It is easy to justify to myself.* If I was meant to have a mate.* I would have had at least 3 possible mates or I would be considering marrying the one I was with.* Simple, if I have not figured it out by now then it is pointless.* I am a worthless genetic appendage born out of drunken sex.* It is not hard, I do not have to change my lifestyle at all.* Hell I do nothing different and I could easily keep my chastity.* Then all I have to do is wait for my kitty to die... then I could join her in death.* After all, there is nothing left.* There is nothing this world can offer me.* There is nothing that will make me happy.* Nothing at all, so why even bother putting forth the work.
Enough of the rambling... I have not posted much on here... I figured might as well start making people not like me.
There has been a lot on my mind.* Lets start off with my kitty.* I put her back on meds for her Thyroid, and well now she is not eating nearly as much as she used too.. I mean at times it looks like she is not even eating.* I think it might be the meds... however, I do not know for sure.* When I took her off her meds she was eating more... but not that much more.* So I am worried there is something more wrong with her.. and I do not know what... she is now down to 4.5 lbs
It is stressful.. I hope she is ok.* When I think about it she is really all I have left in this world.* Without her, killing myself would not be a challenge.Next is my job hunt.* I started this too early.* I mean... holy crap every recruiter I talk too says that they need me now and I cannot make that kind of commitment.* I say I want to move, but deep down I know I cannot afford it... I hope I get this Virginia job, but if I don't I think I might be more open to being in state for another year or two.** This time I will actually save up so I can move... that would be nice.* I have a phone screen today... I hope that I pass it.* I also hope to hear back from the Comcast lady... it was probably a bad move to tell her I would prefer to move out of state...well whatever... I don't care right now.* I have another interview and the offers keep coming in.* Maybe I will just hold off until February... I don't know... maybe I won't... god I want out of my current job.
Finally has been my recent depression spell.* I kind of noticed it start when I skipped my social exercises.* You know for whatever stupid excuse I could find.* Whether it be beta testing or exhaustion or just wanting to get trashed.* I could always find an excuse.* Then I noticed, gradually, I was becoming depressed.* Which really sucked, it was first slow and small.* Then I dropped off the face of the planet.* I was sent back into my pessimistic mood and started brooding all over again.** I am back to my defeatist ways and I am hard pressed to say that I want to leave. *
I am still trying to decide whether or not I want to do the social exercises or not.* Part of me wants to because I need the skills.* However, I know that if I do them.* It will be like buying something just to have it, like my video game collection.* My games sit on my self, and collect dust.* My social skills would do the same.* In particular my skills for getting females.* Which was the whole point of that idea.* Go out and talk to women.* However, I now realize that I would only get sex out of women, nothing more.* I really need nothing more than that from women.* So I guess why bother even trying if all I want is sex.* That won't get me a prolonged sexual relationship.* Plus there is all the rejection and stuff involved in getting to that point.* It is all too much work for too little reward.* You know seeing as how I doubt I could last more than 2 minutes. *
So I am saying I should just give up on relationships and start preparing myself for suicide.* That is what I am saying right now.* Swear off women and relationships.* It is easy to justify to myself.* If I was meant to have a mate.* I would have had at least 3 possible mates or I would be considering marrying the one I was with.* Simple, if I have not figured it out by now then it is pointless.* I am a worthless genetic appendage born out of drunken sex.* It is not hard, I do not have to change my lifestyle at all.* Hell I do nothing different and I could easily keep my chastity.* Then all I have to do is wait for my kitty to die... then I could join her in death.* After all, there is nothing left.* There is nothing this world can offer me.* There is nothing that will make me happy.* Nothing at all, so why even bother putting forth the work.
Enough of the rambling... I have not posted much on here... I figured might as well start making people not like me.
