Clutter of my mind

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Forgotten_Man, Dec 19, 2011.

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  1. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I am not sure this is the best forum for my rambling. However, I feel it should go here

    There has been a lot on my mind.* Lets start off with my kitty.* I put her back on meds for her Thyroid, and well now she is not eating nearly as much as she used too.. I mean at times it looks like she is not even eating.* I think it might be the meds... however, I do not know for sure.* When I took her off her meds she was eating more... but not that much more.* So I am worried there is something more wrong with her.. and I do not know what... she is now down to 4.5 lbs :( It is stressful.. I hope she is ok.* When I think about it she is really all I have left in this world.* Without her, killing myself would not be a challenge.

    Next is my job hunt.* I started this too early.* I mean... holy crap every recruiter I talk too says that they need me now and I cannot make that kind of commitment.* I say I want to move, but deep down I know I cannot afford it... I hope I get this Virginia job, but if I don't I think I might be more open to being in state for another year or two.** This time I will actually save up so I can move... that would be nice.* I have a phone screen today... I hope that I pass it.* I also hope to hear back from the Comcast lady... it was probably a bad move to tell her I would prefer to move out of state...well whatever... I don't care right now.* I have another interview and the offers keep coming in.* Maybe I will just hold off until February... I don't know... maybe I won't... god I want out of my current job.

    Finally has been my recent depression spell.* I kind of noticed it start when I skipped my social exercises.* You know for whatever stupid excuse I could find.* Whether it be beta testing or exhaustion or just wanting to get trashed.* I could always find an excuse.* Then I noticed, gradually, I was becoming depressed.* Which really sucked, it was first slow and small.* Then I dropped off the face of the planet.* I was sent back into my pessimistic mood and started brooding all over again.** I am back to my defeatist ways and I am hard pressed to say that I want to leave. *

    I am still trying to decide whether or not I want to do the social exercises or not.* Part of me wants to because I need the skills.* However, I know that if I do them.* It will be like buying something just to have it, like my video game collection.* My games sit on my self, and collect dust.* My social skills would do the same.* In particular my skills for getting females.* Which was the whole point of that idea.* Go out and talk to women.* However, I now realize that I would only get sex out of women, nothing more.* I really need nothing more than that from women.* So I guess why bother even trying if all I want is sex.* That won't get me a prolonged sexual relationship.* Plus there is all the rejection and stuff involved in getting to that point.* It is all too much work for too little reward.* You know seeing as how I doubt I could last more than 2 minutes. *

    So I am saying I should just give up on relationships and start preparing myself for suicide.* That is what I am saying right now.* Swear off women and relationships.* It is easy to justify to myself.* If I was meant to have a mate.* I would have had at least 3 possible mates or I would be considering marrying the one I was with.* Simple, if I have not figured it out by now then it is pointless.* I am a worthless genetic appendage born out of drunken sex.* It is not hard, I do not have to change my lifestyle at all.* Hell I do nothing different and I could easily keep my chastity.* Then all I have to do is wait for my kitty to die... then I could join her in death.* After all, there is nothing left.* There is nothing this world can offer me.* There is nothing that will make me happy.* Nothing at all, so why even bother putting forth the work.

    Enough of the rambling... I have not posted much on here... I figured might as well start making people not like me.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    This is depression talking and God knows I could relate to every word.
    Get the cat to a vet.
    Go for that new job, who knows, it might open up a whole new world.
    Get that depression treated, drugs would help in the short term.
    As to a relationship, I don't think you are ready for one and sex without a relationship is a very empty quick fix.
    So how about just making some female friends?
    We're really not an alien race you know and one can never have too many friends.
  3. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Forgotten Man, I know how you feel, sometimes it is best to give up on relationships. But not on life. We must both try to find something else to live for. Find friends and hope that something develops from that.
  4. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I have taken the kitty to the vet. The vet is not sure what is wrong either :( everything else shows she is doing just fine for an old kitty. Maybe I will change up her food.

    I am going for the job. :( I don't think I will pass the phone screen though. I sounded like a rambling idiot like on here. Hopefully the Comcast job or one of the million other offers I have will pan out soon.

    I don't want to do drugs designed to mess with my brain. Then again I am interested in the sex drive killing side-effects.

    :lol!: Someone who finally is honest about relationships and me. Yet another reason to give up. At my age I should be mature enough. As for friends. I don't know how to make those either. Really I meant human interaction. When I said relationships
    I have to ask why I should hope that something comes from friendship. I see that as the person settling myself. I would rather be alone than someone's silver medal.

    I cannot think of anything to live for once my kitty is gone.
  5. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Hey FM....
    I don't have any advice really but wanted you to know I'm thinking of you..
    not around here a lot lately myself but have missed seeing you..

    I agree you need to get some treatment for the depression though asap
    and then the other things will usually fall into place :hug:
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @IV2010: Tis ok, I can be hard to advise. I have been really busy recently. >_< so many forums so little time. :hug:
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