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Cocktail molotov for breakfast.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RySp123, Nov 3, 2007.

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  1. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    Strange way to do breakfast, tablets, syrup and I'll pass on the rest. This is a daily routine. To get out of bed to reach meds is an achiement on its own then wait that it kicks in to even start moving around, but to do what? To make it through the day. As soon as ability allows, put on a mask of indifference not to disturb else's mood for the day so not to affect them. Once out of the door you'd think I'd let down that mask? The mask is glued to my skin so we do 1.

    Weekends are worse. None is working so no way to even dream of letting my hair down. Another mask then an ohter one then one more as they become so much part of my being that they seem to fade away in time.

    Hallowing has passed and shops are empty. Sold out! I guess this weekend will be one of those hard ones as I'll have to hide and seek peace and refuge in sleep not to 'disturb' others as I am expected to be in control.

    Last expectations I'll try to meet and fulfill my 'duties' towards those that say they 'love' and 'care'. If that is the meaning of living and caring for someone but to expect them to forget themselves, their needs, emotions, feelings, basic necessities and so forth, I am to wonder what is its worth at the end.

    Is love and caring for others worth sacrifying one self to the end? Sucking out to the last drop what keeps them going?

    My transfusion (meds) will keep me going a little longer but wont last for long I know it. Then what will happend?

    Sorry, only self pity bs. this early wont help me I know so better turn off the pc as meds are kicking in finally and put on some makeup to hide the cracks in my mask and face this day.

    Hoping you will have a better day than mine.
  2. sudut

    sudut Well-Known Member

    hope you will be o.k. never forget all the good deeds you do for others are automatically stored somewhere in a database out there. its like a bank account that you could withdraw in the future, without even realizing it. every action=opposite and equal reaction.
  3. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I know what you mean by taking the meds and waiting. Then needing to put on the mask for all outward appearances appearing to those on the outside that everything is all right and you are strong. Everything isn't all right, yet somehow it has to be. We make it that way even though on the inside only we know the truth. I am sorry this is the position you find yourself in. I hope the day will come for you that the mask is no longer necessary. That things really are all right. Until then, please take care. :hug:
  4. RySp123

    RySp123 Guest

    I've held that position way too long my dear gentlelady. The day that mask will no longer be necessary is near. Till then I do hope to stay in a single piece on the outside at least.

    Take care too my dear. :hug:
  5. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    I have faith in you that you will be able to stay in one piece until the mask can be removed. I will still hope that it can be done under circumstances that you can live with. I hold that hope for myself as well, although, like you, I am unsure of its possibility. It is not an easy position to hold, nor one to let go of. We must continue to search for the answer. If you ever need to talk where you do not need to wear the mask, feel free to PM me. I will listen without passing judgment. I will listen with compassion and understanding. :hug:
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