These are all that are sustaining me these days. I literally cannot eat, it makes me feel sick. Like the smallest amount of food makes me feel over full. I'm losing weight and I'm very happy about that, because I am genuinely carrying a few extra pounds after having had a baby. But I can't help but feel the old anorexia feeling creeping back in. I know I am not losing the weight in a healthy way, but for months (I am 17 months postpartum and started right after birth) I tried eating healthy (1500cals a day, no junk, lots of water and veggies) and going to the gym 3 times a week with a personal trainer (plus working out at home, cardio and weights) and did not lose a single measly pound or a single inch. So this is my reward for beating anorexia in the first place; to gain 6 stone in pregnancy, have healthy methods do nothing for me, only to start losing once I slip back into old habits. Ironic, eh! I don't know how far to take this. I mean obviously I am not *choosing* to become ill again. But the simple fact of the matter is I am losing weight that needs to be lost since my BMI says I am obese. I know it's wrong to let myself slip, but I am thinking if I can just slip a little...if you know what I mean? As in stop when I am a healthy weight and not let it get too far again. I'm just finding it hard to cope with the fact that everyone around me told me I *had* to get over anorexia, but now that I'm giving up a little I'm getting rewarded with a much needed weight loss. I am scared to eat even healthy foods, because I am convinced that I am going to step on the scales and my weight will have shot right back up again. Everything in me is telling me to give up food altogether, but I know I shouldn't. I don't want to be a bag of bones or anything, I just want to be a healthy weight and look good. My ideal weight is around 9 stone, which is bang in the middle of the normal range for my height. My family are starting to get at me for not eating, but it's not like I'm doing myself any harm in getting to a normal weight. And I'm 20 years old, I'm not exactly a child! I am well aware of what I am oing to myself and how far I can take it until I lose control. I guess this is just a bit of a ramble that doesn't really prompt a reply, so I apologise for that! But it's something I just felt I had to get out there. If anyone has any tips for a 'recovered' anorexic who needs to lose weight without becoming ill, I'd be happy to hear them I mean is it really possible to go about weight loss without old thoughts and feelings return? Because I'm not convincedit is!