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Cold Hearted

Discussion in 'Rape and Abuse' started by higgins, Jun 8, 2012.

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  1. higgins

    higgins New Member

    I was forced to leave an abusive home at 15. My father sexually abused my sister and I from such a young age, it feels like it never started but just always was. I was homeless - my life was hard, yet I finished high-school and went on to University to make a life for myself (with the much appreciated help of a friends family who let me stay with them on and off).

    Life has been life; opportunities, love, travel....family just a distant bad memory but not too bothersome....stuffed away where it couldn't hurt me.

    Found out a month ago that my Dad is sick - the going to die soon kind of sick....wants to see his children with whom he had lost touch with (bad choice of words...yuck).

    I don't care to see him. That's me trying to be polite. I want that sick f%$k to die and he doesn't get to ask anything from me. I'm relieved that I won't have to walk around and have a panic attack every time I think that I've spotted him in a supermarket or on the street somewhere. Then I am disgusted with myself....I am vile and full of such hate it makes me feel sick....but not sick enough to care :(

    My Mum called me a cold hearted piece of work.

    She was never there for me and I shouldn't care what she thinks.

    But she is right and I do care.

    I don't know who to hate the most right now, but I am pretty sure I'll hate myself the most whatever happens right now.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I totally understand how you are feeling having gone through this myself...my father was dying of Ca and wanted to have a relationship with me after neglecting and abusing me horrifically since the age of three...I did assist in his care to 'help' my mother (a thankless b**ch), but could have easily gone another way...do what is best for you and understand that your goodness is not determined by how you treat someone who acted in a way that may not deserve forgivenss (although we forgive for ourselves)...anyone who would call you 'cold hearted' has no clue what the effects of what done could have on you and is a passive party to the abuse...care less about what she feels and do what you know to be best for yourself...we should function out of self-compassion (not guilt, although I think that was the crazy in me that helped re my father's care)...and yes, when he died, I was quite happy and sad that I never had the parenting I wanted and deserved...also, one would be surprised how we can 'love' such monsters; no one is all good nor bad...whatever you decide, make sure it is what will serve you well
  3. lelantgirl

    lelantgirl Well-Known Member

    You are in a very difficult position with this. I was abused as a child by several men and then when an adult by my fiance, and the pain/memories never fade, no matter how long ago it was.
    I was lucky that the abuse wasn't with my father, so I do not have 1st hand experience with that like you do, BUT I do have experience of sexual abuse, so please dont think I am just pretending to know how you maybe feeling.

    For years I blocked some out, then all came back to me, I had alsorts of emotions and feelings etc etc. My main abuser lived next door, he was my substitute grandfather as mine had passed before I was born, I loved him and he did alsorts of nice things with me. Then aged 6/7 he began abusing me, subtly at first then it got worse.
    He died when I was 14. Now when I think of him after many years of analysing and healing (trying to but dont get very far with it) I dont hate him for what he did to me, I dont particularly like him for what he did, but he gave me so much more than abuse.
    I am wondering if you had a good father/daughter relationship in other ways, or was he cold and just abusive to you?

    With your father being very sick right now, you are faced with a huge dilemma. Do you just ignore his wishes, cos hell he never respected yours, do you go and see him for his benefit, not yours, go to please your mother, or do you go for both his and your benefit.
    There are many options here and you must do what feels right and acceptable for you. You said your mum thinks bad of you for not caring, well it sounds as though she didn't care much for you growing up, but I think you do care deep down.
    I have heard many people say they have lost someone (died) that they never reconciled with and they have found the grieving process almost impossible as so much unresolved has been left and will never be resolved now.
    If he is sick and weak then he will be in no position to harm you further. You could use this time to visit him, you certainly dont have to forgive or forget as you will no doubt be able to do either, but you will at least know you have done nothing wrong. If you decide not to visit then thats fine too, you will have done nothing wrong.
    I think had my main abuser asked to see me before he died I would have gone and seen what he had to say, but thats just me. I dont know if it would be out of genuine remorse or just to rub more salt into the wounds, I'd hope it'd be to say sorry. But you just dont know from individual to individual.
    You say he abused your sister too, what is her feelings about it all, is she willing to visit him or is she sick to the stomach too?

    I am here if you wish to talk things over more, either on here or through private messages. Its going to be a very tough decision to make isn't it, some say any decison is better than no decison, and others say you have to make the right decison, but in things like this who knows what is right or wrong, whatever you decide please dont hate yourself, I know that you probably will as I do too with things, but at the end of the day you were his daughter, he the father and should've been nurturing and caring for you, he failed at his part, you didn't.
    It maybe he is genuinely remorseful and I do hope he is, something like this can often change people, even right at the end.
    Take care and know I am here to listen.
  4. Jeserai

    Jeserai Well-Known Member

    wow good respons lelantgirl!

    Take care higgins!
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