Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by shadow44, Feb 14, 2009.

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  1. shadow44

    shadow44 Member

    its back. the feeling. i know i said last time that i was glad that i lived. i think i was crazy. i was wrong. i'm not glad i lived. i am sitting here next to the bottles again. i know people say they care. i know every life is valuable. i've heard it all before. but i cant do this. i cant live like this anymore. i dont have a reason. i dont have a reason to live. since this is a last shot i might as well put something out there.

    dont read this unless you think u can handle it i dont want to hurt anyone


    I was tortured and abused for a very long time. I have been hurt so bad and told i would be left to die. i know now that they were right. i deserve it. i have seen so many things and done so many things that are terrible. my life is in shambles. i am a wreck. i can't dig myself out again. these pills look like they are the only answer. And now i know how many to take. i promised myself i would reach out one more time before doing anything. I'm going to try to wait for a little, but i dont know if i can. i am just so confuzed and in so much anguish i really cant deal with life anymore.

    I have all these thoughts swirling around my head. Images of what happened, the pain. I can't live with myself anymore. i just can't do it.

    those pills look so tempting. but i have to make it through this last reach. this last grasp, as sick and blurry as i am right now.

    what scares me is how cold and calm i am right now. how decided. I can't go through each day like i have been anymore. i know this. it is a fact. this is the only answer. i know this too. it is also a fact. i can even say with certainty that i can take these pills an die.

    i feel wrong. a person isn't supposed to be like this. but i am. i dont understand.

    I feel so much shame and terror and fear and anger at myself. It is so overwhelming, so overpowering. I feel like I'm already dying.. already dead. Every nerve in my body is screaming at me and at the same time i am so calm and collected and determined.. and cold. I feel like this is something i have to do. I dont know why i got these few extra days. i dont know why i panicked and didnt follow through. this time i am sure. but i know i promised myself i would reach out one last time. so i am reaching out. for better or for worse. maybe no one will read past the warning.. it might even be better that way. who knows.

    i guess thats all.. funny how i can some it all up and its just a post. sad that thats where i have to turn.. no where else.. not sad though really because i wouldnt want to waste any better support on me. maybe thats why i dont have it.. just like everything thats happened in my life i know its because i deserve it. and what kind of person deserves what i have been through. a terrible one. and i am. a pathetic terrible person.

    if you read all that.. i guess...thank you...

    but please dont say those things like.. you arent terrible, if anyone was even thinking of saying tha which is doubtful... as well meaning as they are you just couldnt know, ya kno.

    i just can't panic. not this time.

    i'm so sorry so terribly sorry.

  2. alexander01

    alexander01 Active Member

    Just live your life. you only have 1. once its gone everything is.
  3. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Shadow, I'm sorry you feel so wrung out by life right now. :hug:

    In your post, you say how bad you are, and how undeserving of support, comfort or good things you are. I suspect this is a somewhat skewed view of things - it's how the abuser(s) wanted you to feel. (From what I've read/heard, it seems that a lot of abuse victims have these sorts feelings about themselves. It stands to reason that being abused could eat away at a person's self esteem and perspective on life.)

    The abuser more or less controls the situation with put-downs, insults, threats and/or actual physical harm. All that stuff causes emotional damage that makes the abused person feel bad about himself or herself. So, those ideas about yourself, originated from whoever hurt you and they're not about what you are really like. You are not an "essentially/intrinsically bad" person.

    I really hope you don't take the pills. You can push on through, "in spite of" the abuse you endured. Are you or have you been in therapy to help you get through the aftermath of the abuse? A good counselor can help you untangle all the lies and manipulations from the abuser so that you can see and believe in the good things about yourself that are undoubtedly there.

    At least give yourself a real chance to get through all the bad things from the past so you can make a good future for yourself.

    Please put the pills away in the cupboard, or better, flush them down the toilet, hun.

    And please stay safe. :hug:
  4. mdmefontaine

    mdmefontaine Antiquities Friend one point in your post, you wrote that you HAD to reach out one last time...

    that impulse that caused you to reach out - is the '''you''' who wants to live.

    and it is NOT just a post. there are real, live, breathing people, who care about you. . . who are reading it. it is like you are talking to us in the room (but it would be crowded...:unsure:) and sometimes here at s.f. it is MORE real, than '''real life'' because here we all truly understand. you can't understand 'us' if you have not been where we've been, or still are.

    stop. reconsider. wait one more day. talk to someone. keep trying until you connect. pm anyone, - we'll wait it out with you. xxx
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hello Shadow,
    It sounds to me that even though you have removed yourself from that environment you are still letting it control you...You need to learn to let go of the past..You can't change what has happened and you are letting it eat you alive. It has been recommened that you find a therapist, I have to agree, you need someone to talk to you and to listen to you..You can learn how to cope and to let it go..The members here are very supportive and will listen to you and help in any way they can..
    Take back your life and set small acheivable goals to help rebuild your self esteem. You don't have to suffer alone anymore. There is help out there you just need to reach out and grasp ahold of it. I wish you all the best..Take care!!!
  6. swimmergirl

    swimmergirl Well-Known Member

    just like everything thats happened in my life i know its because i deserve it. and what kind of person deserves what i have been througha terrible one. and i ama pathetic terrible person.
    Who told you this? Do you know they were WRONG? I know you don't believe that right now, but it's true. You did not deserve any of the abuse and torture you survived, NONE of it.

    The people that hurt you are the pathetic, terrible people who deserve to be punished for what they did to you. You deserve to heal, to feel love, to live your life without guilt and shame. You deserve to live, please believe that. You are not what happened to you, you are more than that.

    Don't give up yet, hang in there, listen to that part of you that wants to live, that wants the pain to lessen and nurture that part of you, and keep reaching out. You are not alone.
  7. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hi shadow,

    I don't know you, so I can't say that your a good person and mean it at the same time. I can say though, that you didn't deserve what happened to you. No one deserves these things. Even if you did something wrong beforehand, which I'm sure isn't the case, you don't deserve it. We believe that we should be punished for our mistakes. That if we did something wrong, something bad has to happen to us to make it right. But we make mistakes by nature, why should we be punished for something that is part of us? So you've made mistakes, so what. Everyone has. Your past doesn't have to determine your future. I know you've probably heard all this before, and I know how hard it is to deal with depression. I don't know you, and I can't say I know how you're feeling, but I know at least how terribly difficult it is to get yourself out of the hole you find yourself in. I agree with Acy that the abuse has probably left a scar, and over time you have come to believe that you were responsible or deserved that scar. But you simply don't. And I base that statement on the fact that no one deserves that, so how can you?

    Please stay safe! Hope that made sense. Pm me if you need someone to talk to. I can use the company :smile:
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