its back. the feeling. i know i said last time that i was glad that i lived. i think i was crazy. i was wrong. i'm not glad i lived. i am sitting here next to the bottles again. i know people say they care. i know every life is valuable. i've heard it all before. but i cant do this. i cant live like this anymore. i dont have a reason. i dont have a reason to live. since this is a last shot i might as well put something out there. dont read this unless you think u can handle it i dont want to hurt anyone . . . . . . I was tortured and abused for a very long time. I have been hurt so bad and told i would be left to die. i know now that they were right. i deserve it. i have seen so many things and done so many things that are terrible. my life is in shambles. i am a wreck. i can't dig myself out again. these pills look like they are the only answer. And now i know how many to take. i promised myself i would reach out one more time before doing anything. I'm going to try to wait for a little, but i dont know if i can. i am just so confuzed and in so much anguish i really cant deal with life anymore. I have all these thoughts swirling around my head. Images of what happened, the pain. I can't live with myself anymore. i just can't do it. those pills look so tempting. but i have to make it through this last reach. this last grasp, as sick and blurry as i am right now. what scares me is how cold and calm i am right now. how decided. I can't go through each day like i have been anymore. i know this. it is a fact. this is the only answer. i know this too. it is also a fact. i can even say with certainty that i can take these pills an die. i feel wrong. a person isn't supposed to be like this. but i am. i dont understand. I feel so much shame and terror and fear and anger at myself. It is so overwhelming, so overpowering. I feel like I'm already dying.. already dead. Every nerve in my body is screaming at me and at the same time i am so calm and collected and determined.. and cold. I feel like this is something i have to do. I dont know why i got these few extra days. i dont know why i panicked and didnt follow through. this time i am sure. but i know i promised myself i would reach out one last time. so i am reaching out. for better or for worse. maybe no one will read past the warning.. it might even be better that way. who knows. i guess thats all.. funny how i can some it all up and its just a post. sad that thats where i have to turn.. no where else.. not sad though really because i wouldnt want to waste any better support on me. maybe thats why i dont have it.. just like everything thats happened in my life i know its because i deserve it. and what kind of person deserves what i have been through. a terrible one. and i am. a pathetic terrible person. if you read all that.. i guess...thank you... but please dont say those things like.. you arent terrible, if anyone was even thinking of saying tha which is doubtful... as well meaning as they are you just couldnt know, ya kno. i just can't panic. not this time. i'm so sorry so terribly sorry. --shadow.