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Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by deathdreamer, Nov 16, 2013.

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  1. deathdreamer

    deathdreamer New Member

    Hi there...

    I was in a total crisis... (Sorry for my English, I speak German in general...) few mins ago... I cut myself a year ago, started then... Pain, too much... Couldnt bear it... Then a lot has changed... I made a propsal to my dreamwoman... She said yes and I was and I am totally in love with her... She's a bit like a purged soul, an angel god has sent to me... I got many problems in my childhood, always felt alone... Was more in hospital then at home because of a disease... Nobody wanted to do something and when they wanted to I couldnt because they wanted to do sports... All those years, alone... For 9 months now I am together with my little angel... My sight of the world has completly changed as she gave me everything I wanted... Now... She's in a clinic for about 6 weeks, 2-6 weeks she has to stay... Wanted to kill herself because she couldnt bear the pain neither... All of her friends said to her "choose him or me" and she always sticked to me... Same with family... She was alone... Now shes there... Everything gets better... Theres now a normal relationship again in the family... And I.... I feel like I'm in my childhood... I have NOTHING in my life, I dont even see a sense... But somewhere, theres is a spark of hope, that doesnt drop me into darkness... I feel like shes betraying me... Letting me down... She was everything I had... Now I dont even have her... I really trust her when she says she loves me which she does every day when we tel with each other... But I feel like she betrays me when shes happy with others... I know I have a MASSIVE problem... I wouldnt say I think I'm able to live a normal life... I cant hold relationships between friends because I dont feel like they are my friends... I have more or less only feelings for my little angel... She's 16 by the way and has to stay 3 year there until she finished school, then she wants to move to me (I live 1000km in distance from her)...

    I feel betrayed and unable to live a normal life... Like all those years... Past... I cant anymore... But if I really cant, why I am writing?? I have hope... I want the future with her... We made plans... Studying at university, both, earning a bit for 2-3 years... Then we wanted to make a family... But I am so fckng jealous...

    My past wasnt very lovely... I didnt speak that much, just with myself in my head... Because nobody cared about what I was saying, so why should I speak?? And in my thoughts I created an idealistic world how I want my life to be... Just me and a dreamwoman (which I didnt knew at this time)... Nobody else... Going through life... Together... Only we two... Nobody else... Dependent on each other...

    But now............ Sorry I never used to drink alc in my life but now I'm totally dense in my head... I cant anymore... I have like a year in which I cant do anything because I have to wait to study until 2014 sept...

    fuck my life... Oh wait, you did already, the whole time... Thanks....
     
  2. cots

    cots Well-Known Member

    I had to reply to your post because I really can relate with the way you feel.

    I lost my boyfriend because of my ideals and the expectations that came along with them. I never knew I had this jealous streak in me before I met him. I felt neglected all the time because he always puts his friends before me. I am very aloof, while my ex boyfriend was social and happy even though he always said he had no friends. He had several girlfriends before me, but I only had him. I was never his priority. I started becoming insecure and gradually pushed him away without myself knowing. The relationship ended.

    I was wondering if you shared your thoughts with your girlfriend. It helps to talk about it because that way she can know about your feelings and you both can discuss a middle ground. I made the mistake of keeping everything to myself, right till the end, to the point my boyfriend decided I was an odd fish and he could be happier off with another girl. Talk about a self fulfilling prophecy.

    You are not a bad person for wanting to have her all by yourself. I would think it's just a natural feeling. Don't beat yourself up over it.

    You can keep posting here if you do feel down too. This place is filled with caring people who can relate and listen. Stay strong.
     
  3. deathdreamer

    deathdreamer New Member

    Thank you for your reply... Its very kind of you...

    Yes I shared my thoughts with her...

    This place (the world) is filled with shit and more shit... 1. Octobre last year a friend of me had to go to clinic too. She was suicidal, wanted to kill herself... I called the police.... Then she went there.... After 3 days she told me she dont want to be my friend anymore because she thinks our nice time is gone and she has to make a cut between her life before and now.... Cutting our contact that she can live a new life...

    1 year forward.... 1 Octobre this year.... My fiancée wanted to kill herself... Then I called her, everything seemed okay.... She wants to try it with me on her side....

    NOW the day has come... Today.... The same words like 1 year ago.... My fiancée doesnt know if she can handle her thoughts if she will have contact with me........ but she wants to try it.... but solely that she has this thought, she wont make it with me.... So I last in a déjà vu again a wonderful person.... I got ONLY THOSE 2 WOMEN in my life.... all the others meant shit to me.... I lost everything now.... fuck you life....
     
  4. deathdreamer

    deathdreamer New Member

    So many people that care about me..... Thanks...
     
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