Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by Justsolost, Mar 10, 2010.

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  1. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    Hey everyone. Sorry I keep posting, but it's the only way I can 'talk' about my problems right now, and it seems to be helping. I basically had a mental breakdown on Monday and, for no reason I can think of, wanted to die sooooo badly. I couldn't get anything done the entire day.....

    Things are much better today, but what the hell do I do if this kind of an 'episode' happens again? My classes are going to continue to be damned stressful, and I can't afford to have something like this derail my progress......

    As I've said before, once I get health insurance I can at least go to a doctor for my depression, but until then, I'm on my own, which sucks. And, unfortunately, it turns out my university's policy regarding 'counseling' is to call an ambulance if a student exhibits any suicidal tendencies, so if I wanted counseling through them, I'd have to either lie through my teeth about everything that's been going on, which I'm just not going to do, or risk having my life ruined. I know this is a horrible thing to say, but I'd gladly choose to risk losing my life to suicide than risk my career by 'coming clean' about everything I've been feeling. I'm so ashamed right now, which makes me feel even worse..... I'm afraid my life will collapse, and everyone will find out how wrong they were about me; that I'm a worthless s.o.b. I can't believe I just said that either. I don't think it's really true, and yet it's still how I feel sometimes.

    Thanks for reading, take care. You have all been very supportive so far.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Have you looked into support groups? Those are generally free and may be beneficial.

    If that kind of thing happens again, try to ride it out, be safe with friends, keep busy, anything to just hang on until it eases, which you know it does ease, because it has proved it eases.

    Do you know what triggered that?
  3. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Hi how you feel is completely understandable, I have learnt in last few months that unis tend to be quite ignorant to any type of mental health issue. I was nearly kicked out for becoming unhappy which makes it hard to ask for help now. Like scum said is there any support groups or help near you that are not linked to the university? Maybe you could make a list of things that you know will help when you feel like this next time .. a favourite dvd/music to listen to to help distract your thoughts as much as possible, or someone you can call and talk to or even have the forums web address close to hand so you can reach for help on here. Just make sure that wherever you are is safe for you while you wait for those feelings to pass x
  4. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    @ Scum (but I hate calling you that): I don't have a clue what triggered it. I was doing fine, and then all of a sudden that episode hit for seemingly no reason. I'm moving soon, so if I have time, I'll consider looking for a support group. It might be a good idea??? I don't know how to go about finding one, so any advice would be greatly appreciated. Before I forget, thanks for the self-esteem improvement list you gave before; it is very helpful.

    @ Pebble: Thanks, I need to be prepared if this happens again. A distractions list could be helpful. I was NOT safe when this 'episode' happened, I was actually driving during part of it. I can't expand on that without risking a mod edit, but I'm sure you know that driving + active suicidal impulses = danger
  5. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Support groups can be really helpful. I'm glad the list of self esteem stuff has been helpful :) I hope that it can help you see that you are more than you think you are at the moment.

    For support groups, you can try google (I've managed to find support groups for people all over the world, just by using google), but there will be other ways too, like doctros sugeries and such should hold details, and maybe any charities related to mental health problems, or any drop in centres or anything like that.

    It sounds like you need a mental tool box, and also a plan of action (Crisis Plan?) for if this happens again.

    So, like

    1, Get to somewhere safe (i.e. stop driving and pull over, get some company).

    2, Try distractions (make a list of distractions you think might help, games, seeing people, calling people, coing chores, baking, work, getting out the house, shopping)

    3, Call someone to talk about how you feel (helpline, or friend, or family, or something)

    4, If you can't control it then seek further help (like going to the ER, something like that).

    I think you would need more steps, and tomorrow, maybe I'll get out one my therapist made for me last year and copy it out so you can see what a real one looks like (if you think that might help). You can then always carry it with you and use it when you get into crisis.
  6. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    Thanks, I think I could use a 'crisis plan' in case this happens again. I assure you I'm not voluntarily going to the ER under any circumstances, but otherwise it sounds like a useful idea.

    The main concern I have is that this episode cost me so much TIME, time that I MUST spend on my coursework. A list of really quick things, then, would be the most beneficial to me.

    I'll keep fighting my depression and extremely low self-esteem with every ounce of strength I can muster, but my god, I've had these problems for at least a decade now, and it's draining me.
  7. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Ha ha, I had go to A&E (our equivalent of ER) on mine and told her exactly the same thing. Its about having a plan there. You can follow it as much or as little as you want, its just basically laying your options down for you.

    It may cost time, but maybe you need that time. Another option may be using your coursework as a distraction.

    I'm sorry its so draining, but I really can relate to that. Hopefully it won't be this way forever for you and with time and the continued fight you can get to a place you are happier with and in.
  8. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    A crisis plan sounds like the best idea, at least that way you can feel abit more assured that you have support ready if you ever have that sort of episode again. Unfortunately even though we dont really have it with coursework deadlines and stuff, time is sometimes the only thing that will work. Like scum said using your coursework as a distraction may be one way of using that time productively but this is sometimes alot harder than you'd think, but just be gentle with yourself next time it happens and think about how you can make yourself safe no matter where you. I have always had a support number on my phone just incase I felt i ever needed it in real emergenices. And agree about the A&E, not somewhere I would ever go willingly but if it is something that would help, keep it in mind for those times x
  9. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    Thank you both so much for taking the time to help me. It's reassuring to know there are such nice people out there.

    Once I start at my next school, I'm going to have so little time, that I'll have to just throw myself into my coursework no matter how bad (or not bad) I may feel. That's the kind of commitment it takes to go into medicine, and I accept that responsibility. So, I'll try and make a crisis quick-fix list to help me through any major rough patches, and thanks to you guys, I know that I can always post on here for support if needed.

    Thanks again, take care.
  10. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Sounds like a good plan, try not to overload yourself so that you ignore when you are having difficulties. sometimes just being aware of your feelings is enough to help you support yourself better and to know when you need the extra support. Just give a shout if you need anything. Hope the move goes ok x
  11. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    Hi, I'm just giving an update, that I'm doing pretty well today, and thank you so much to everyone on here who's been helping me.

    If I ever have another 'crisis' I'll be much better prepared.
  12. betteroffunknown

    betteroffunknown Well-Known Member

    i'm glad to hear you're doing pretty well today. these kind of days are meant to be cherished. i hope things continue to go well for you. you sound like a great individual with so much to look forward to. i hope the very best for you. please take care and keep us posted should anything come up for ya. we'll be here.
  13. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    I'm glad your feeling better today :smile: hope your able to keep on top of things xx
  14. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    Thanks Pebble and rhinolady. It's still very hard to see myself as a worthwhile person, but at least my depression//anxiety is in check right now, so I can be productive again.
  15. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    You are definatly a worthwhile person, the help and support you have already given to me and other people shows that :smile: xx
  16. Justsolost

    Justsolost Well-Known Member

    Thanks Pebble, I'm very glad I met you. It's so hard for me to combat all the self-negativity I've built up over the years, but I'm not going to give up, no matter how hard it may be.
  17. Pebble

    Pebble Well-Known Member

    Thats a great way of being, just try to hold onto those thoughts even when times feel like they're at the hardest. I'm glad to have met you too, I appreciate all the help you've given me and am here anytime for you too, just PM me anytime if thats easier. I still haven't managed to sort out chat lol so can only talk via threads and PM's. Hope your feeling abit better xx
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