Its impossible for me to get there, to reach anything which will keep me happy. Day after day life has been getting better, slowly building on the good stuff that happens, actually beginning to feel confident about myself, not who i am, but who i could be, that i could do something which i aimed for. But how are you supposed to build a life on sinking ground. I'm back to square one again, all the good just wiped away, collapsed. I can't keep falling, i can't deal with this pain :'( i can't deal with it any more. I keep asking, how far do i have to cut away, how much of my existance do i have to get rid of, before i can try to build something which will stay with me... and the answer is everything. The pain goes too deep, it all has to go, i have to go. It makes sense, its human nature mostly to get away from pain, you don't keep touching an iron when its hot, but my life is pain, and i've kept trying to make myself live it, and that is just wrong. One last fall and its gone.