I'm in a bad position with college, my financial aid keeps getting smaller and smaller as i go through the quarters, fact i barely got anything this quarter, not enough to live off of, can't even pay my bills. Car has been broken down for 3 months so getting a job is extremely difficult seeing that i can't transport myself anywhere. I carpool with my boyfriend to the college and usually end up staying there for hours with nothing to do as i wait for him to finish his classes. I have nothing to complain about him he's the man of my dreams, i'm very thankful to have found him and have him in my life, he's so busy with his school schedule and getting a job that asking him to drive me to a job is a bit much. I already have an associates from a previous college but i changed my mind on my career after working for aerospace companies for 6 months, decided my life calling was to be a research biologist and went back for another associates before going to the 4-year cause my current associates gave me nothing towards a degree in biology. Well financially its been one heck of a struggle, i've often considered to stop eating just for the sake of getting my textbooks is how underfunded i've been with financial aid. I spoke with a teacher today and she explained about having too many credits and financial aid wanting me to get a go on with the bachelors by now but i still have the organic chemistry and calculus series to complete before i transfer. I have to make it up to a doctorate to get the type of job i want so badly, its my dream, if anything i could ever have in the universe beside my wonderful boyfriend is to be a research biologist. I just don't know if i can deal with the financial stress. I don't know if bipolar can make one more succeptable to becoming overwhelmed with stress, i've had a doctor and three psychiatrists all diagnose me with it, i never get the mania feel so idk if its true. Anyway, the fear of going on with my dream and financial burden stresses me out so much to breaking point, i hardy know how i keep myself contained in public, i'm a mess on the inside. Not only that but my brain has a funny way of only remembering embarrassing moments i keep having from not keeping my mouth shut, i often want to dissapear i'm so awkward in social situations. I usually sit in the front rows of my classes but lately i've been hiding in the back rows. I was never this self conscious of a person at my first college, fact i was popular in a way everyone was always amazed with me like i was the smartest thing they've ever laid eyes on, i know its a bit full of myself but at my old college i was treated with so much respect it was wonderful. At my new college i'm like a ghost. At least my english teacher brags that i'm a "really good writer" (well, at keast at scholarly papers), and my first biology teacher would brag about how i passed the class with the highest score. Chemistry was a destructive moment for me cause i've never done so poorly in a subject before, which has made me careless in all my other classes. I would cry myself to sleep from fear of not passing to keep my financial aid, not that it's doing me any good. I use to think the grades were what was making me so depressed but it's honestly the financial stress. I often get thoughts of killing myself as a way of saying "ha! Now you can't take my money." I shouldn't care so much about money but it's come down to you either have money to survive or you die. It's like my soul keeps pressing on with this life to hold onto the money to survive but it would be so much easier to die. The more i continued at this college the more i've lost the will to live. I've attempted in highschool but obviously it did nothing good cause i'm still here. I'm scared i desire death more than reaching my goal, the dream i crave to live is so far away, i don't even know how i'm going to even pay my way to a doctorate with how poor i am. I'm in constand battle on the inside. I've told my boyfriend and my mother and my primary care doctor and my therapist about feeling suicidal but they tell me there is nothing they can do for me. I have no way of knowing how i'd even go about succeeding since every method i thought of would surely fail and i could not live with myself if i ended up retarded from brain danage. In fact i question if whether i'm even intelligent or smart enough to continue this journey. I've got such a lack of self esteem, i don't want to go back to those damn hospitals cause i've done it and they don't help, and every therapist i've been to, 6 in the counting now, have been big dissapointments. I'm too scared to go to the school councellor cause i think they'll throw me out of school like other student have claimed have happened to them at other universities, and my immediate family has been no help at all. I even called the help line once and the lady i spoke with was very rude. I just need someone to relate to me and tell me they got through it, someone out there please tell me how you got through it, all the financial stress in getting that degree, i need help so bad T-T anyone please. Surely there has to be some hope out there that everything will be ok. I'm not going to kill myself, i love my boyfriend too much to hurt him like that but the thoughts pass my mind several times a day. I just don't know what to do anymore.