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Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by ToHelp, Mar 11, 2008.

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  1. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member


    I've been meaning for weeks to write this but damn, I hate long posts. Bet you do, too.

    This turned into one, as I literally share with you my innermost thinking.

    Well the crux is: I am torn and undecided about certain things. You've been warned. Heh.

    So I'm 44 years of age. I don't smoke. I don't drink. Probably am pre-diabetic though. I've always had an enlarged heart from congenital ASD which was repaired through open-heart surgery 32 years ago. (Damn. That long?)

    I am a survivor of severe alcoholism during my twenties.

    I live the ultimate loner's life though, see, and hear these PSA's pushing, pushing to have regular exams for early detection of all kinds of shit. In just six more years, they'll want do the $5,000 colonoscopy procedure for a nice thorough, clean sweep of polyps.

    Well see I keep pondering: Is it worth it for me? I've thought about it, and how much I have to live for. "If won't do it for yourself, do it for your loved ones." Well Oh. My. God. that is such a joke. Not only do I have no health insurance; I have no family in my life to live for.

    So I've thought it over and considered worst-case scenarios like having prostate surgery or even subjecting myself to the roto-rooter thing up my butt to begin with.

    Life is temporary whether it be a 40 year-span or an eighty-year span. We're all "just little red ants on a hill" to quote Ben Wade from the remake of 3:10 to Yuma. I figure that if I have some slow-growing cancer down there, heart-disease will get me first. --That's where I would place my bets.

    I'm not suicidal but resist invasive procedures because I have to ask, for what? My wife? Don't have a wife. My loved ones? No. That kind of circle does not exist for me.

    Yet within five years, things could all turn for me as I open myself more to possibilities. So long as I'm not actively sui-sui (which I never have been), it just seems you never know. I have seen MAJOR changes come flying at me before. And you know? Sometimes, those changes for the better.

    Also, I have so much freedom in life. So much is determined by one person--me. I've been saying life is like one giant game of The Sims. Or what of the parallels between MMORPGs ("massively multiplayer online role-playing games") like World Of WarCraft and real life?

    They are to no small degree allegories for life itself. The decisions you make have realtime consequences.

    Ecck. My internal debate rages.


    Note: Fail to see an ultimate point? Great! Point me to the point. Please? :eek:h: Seems I was too busy contemplating the thread title--you could say my head has been firmly up my ass on this one.:rofl:
  2. Dreamer uk

    Dreamer uk Well-Known Member

    I think it is your personal decision, although I know I would be exactly the same if I had to have some sort of invasive procedure done on me. There is nobody in my life either and I don't see the point in putting myself through any unneccessary stress.

    Maybe something will change in your life which will change your outlook on the procedure...

    Take care
  3. I won't convince you, but all I can say is that cancer is one helluva way to die. Not to mention of course, the earlier it's detected, the better (that is, if something is found). My mom has a permanent ostomy (though certainly, not all are), and the way her plumbing has been rearranged since her aged mid-70's has affected her life in countless (not fun) ways. I have no idea what the %'s are for males getting this type of cancer at your [coming] age (prostate I think is more likely, you're welcome for the good news. But as well, caught early, chances are good).

    I also think it's a crying shame that the cost is so incredible! Especially since YOU'RE the one doing all the work - fasting, then drinking lots of liquids, and taking all sorts of ungodly concoctions to "empty" your system beforehand.

    Something to think about I guess. I am too. I was given the same suggestion (I'm also in my mid-40's), but have passed for now. (And I don't lead nearly as 'healthy' a lifestyle as you do)...
    Last edited: Mar 11, 2008
  4. Hurted

    Hurted Well-Known Member

    Hope you will choose better decidion...
  5. ToHelp

    ToHelp Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your responses.

    I'll never die of cancer--will just end things quick and easy and sure if that moment comes. I have the knowledge, and that is all I can or should, say of course. I can't believe I left that out. OPTION--it's pivotal to understanding why I even posted. lol

    FoundAndLost, I picked you especially because I've seen it. Been there - watched my mom die of lung and stomach cancer. Took her over a year, wasting away in our bed at home. 1981.

    It's an incredible experience that I survived through during my 15th year of life. I remember minute details of the day when she died--it was POURING rain and took the coroner hours to get to our house.

    ....My Mom dead in the other room, no one around for support, save an adult female neighbor sitting with me on the couch, rubbing my back, my father sitting in the corner.

    Another neighbor bringing us a big plate of delicious ham the next day.

    My dad got it in the lung. Spring of '94: Suspicious random x-ray. Was sent to oncology and inside two weeks he was diagnosed with an aggressive non-small cell stage IV carcinoma metastisized well into both lungs. He was fucked. Suddenly he went from healthy to receiving the highest (they called them 'curative') doses of radiation allowed. Fast spiral downhill, dead in six months.

    I WILL FUCKING never die of cancer or it's "treatment." Get it?

    I was alone then, I'm now. ....The point of this post was to ponder 'publicly'; to think aloud about this:

    I don't think I would fight it. You've got to have a reason. But in my life there is no one else but me to fight it for.

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