Come Sweet Death

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by SillyOldBear, May 4, 2016.

  1. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    I so wish I were dead! I have wished that for years. But to no avail. Can't really pray for death. Because that is something God would not approve of. But I am tired of emptiness and pain. And as I near 65 things just keep breaking and hurting more. My digestive system is shot. My asthma is barely controlled. Am in no mood to try and figure out Medicare, but I have to. Insurance broker at work does not answer my emails. May have to turn him over to the CEO's wife. Broker is a cousin of the CEO. I spend my days helping to sue people who were stupid enough to spend thousands of dollars on a vacuum. They got suckered by the salesmen. I spend my evenings and weekends doing pretty much nothing. Can only deal with the yard in small pieces. Asthma gets in the way. Can't throw myself into my favorite past time, stuffing my face. Causes too much pain in digestive tract. Highlight of my days are a shower and going to bed. I had hoped to be dead long ago. But life just doesn't work out like you want it to. I am chicken to off myself. Its been pounded into my head that is the wrong thing to do. Sometimes I wish life would get a little bit worse. Just bad enough to push me over the edge. And, with time it will. I just don't see anything getting better. Just more pain and poverty as everyday goes my. Thanks for reading this.
  2. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    *hugs* just wanted to let you know I am listening.
  3. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Oh Bear. huge hugs.
    As another old fart who seems to be falling apart at the seams, I can really relate to the bad digestion, arthritis, aches and pains that were never there before etc.
    I've found lowering my expectations of what I can and can't do and enjoying small pleasures helps.
    Maybe start a new hobby, or take up a old one.
    I embroider and draw and paint, and every day I try to take time to enjoy nature.
    Getting old is horrid, I had no idea how much pain you can end up in and what a struggle every day life can be; but there are compensations, I don't sweat the small stuff any more, and as long as I can avoid mirrors I can still feel 16.
  4. ThePhantomLady

    ThePhantomLady Safety and Support SF Supporter

    Sorry to hear all of this. *hugs*

    I think @Terry has come with some great suggestions!

    I know it's hard, but keep up the fight, try to find new things to enjoy, that might ease things somewhat... but yeah, it's easier said than done!
  5. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Thanks for all the hugs and suggestions. I do have adult coloring books, but am not inspired to use them right now. Nature is amazing. My rhodies are lovely this time of year. I am trying not to think about dead heading them later. I have some friends in their 90's who talk about how great it is to still be above ground, that is not dead. I wish I felt the same way.
  6. islandification

    islandification Well-Known Member

    A few years younger (not many) and likewise see little in the future. Just take it day to day but it all seems harder without some reason to keep going. Good to have some older friends, mine are in the early 70s, and mostly content if not really happy.
  7. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Here if you need to vent/rant/talk etc :) I care about you. Please never consider suicide as an option, we are all here fighting this with you. Your life matters just as much as the next person ((hugs))
  8. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Thank you Lynn. I just feel so lousy almost all the time now Am having a coughing fit as I write this. Am probably going to go to the doctor again soon. Am not sure they have this diagnosed right. This coming week is going to be hell. The young man who is supposed to do the scanning at work after 5 will be working different hours for over a week. He got involved with the Church of God and has to spend days purifying himself. I will have to cover. Very long days ahead.

    I will always consider suicide as an option. But, thank goodness, it is a very difficult thing to do. It just isn't natural, but it is comforting to know that it is always an option. Will probably actually be purchasing a cremation and final disposition plan in the next two weeks. Get it at todays prices, and take the burden off my family. Have discussed it with my brother and my niece and they agree that it is a good idea. But hopefully it will not be used any time soon.

    Thanks for your support.
  9. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Honey... please stop, think and observe. Your thoughts right now are not rational. Please do not plan your own funeral. Sorry to hear you are having coughing fits and physical sickness. I feel for you. Maybe when you see the doctor for that, that you can also discuss your depression. Something drastically needs to change and only you can do that honey. I believe in you and know you long enough to know that you are a fighter. There is no need to thank me, you being here is thanks enough. Thoughts and prayers are with you at this difficult time :)
  10. SillyOldBear

    SillyOldBear Teddy Bear Fanatic Staff Member Safety & Support

    Actually, planning your own funeral is a good idea when you are my age. Years ago my dad lost a brother. He had no will or burial arrangements. My dad had to do it all and pay for it all. It was agonizing for him. My niece lost her mother a few years ago. She had made no plans. My niece had no money, so my brother paid for it. Death of a loved one is very hard of the family. Having a prepaid plan saves them a lot of pain. And it allows your final wishes to be known. That is why I am doing this. I do not anticipate it being used in the near future. This kind of planning is very common in the US of A.
  11. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Oh, I am so relieved to hear that. It's weird to me only being 27 I guess, I didn't know that was that common in the US. I guess when you put it like that it's good to have arrangementsin place. I just hope that mentally you can get to the place you want to be and thinking of being 6 foot under is quite a depressing thought, keep doing what you're doing but be mindful and don't let it drag you down *hugs*