Come to a decision

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by gwalchmei, Mar 21, 2014.

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  1. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    After careful consideration, I have decided to take my own life.
    I love my family with all my heart. I love my wife and my 4 children. I do this for them. It breaks my heart that I can't provide for them even the basics of financial security right now.
    It is clear that I will never be able to provide the life I dreamed of providing for my family.
    It seems that life has worked against me from the start. It seems that every time I earn a shot at something, or even outright reach my goals, something or someone gets in the way. Even if it's people who profess to want to be my parents, or the first woman who was supposed to love me most and who was the first to promise me forever in marriage.
    Or it's an employer who simply abuses me by taking advantage of my talents and skills and who holds back for themselves what I really and fairly earned and who simply casts me aside like an old shoe when they want to save money or they have otherwise used me up.
    I hope that by dying, I can take the economic pressure off my wife and kids.
    Every time I have a dream about what I want to do with my life, the enemy puts someone in the way. Even if it's the people I love most.
    My heart is broken at just what a lie the American dream really is and I just want to die.
    For over half my life all I've wanted to do was be a teacher, and to study mathematics for its own sake - not for "profits" used to maintain the lavish lifestyles of those who don't even give math, me, or my family a second thought. I've earned my shot a million times over.
    But this world won't let me.
    And frankly, maybe that's all a lie too, and maybe in the end I'm just the irredeemable loser everyone used to tell me I am.
  2. someguy24

    someguy24 Well-Known Member

    Hmm Since you are good at math have you ever considered trading eminis? I mean just save 20k, study elliot wave, get a kickass computer, three monitors, buy these things:

    To be honest, specially the last one

    Get a ninjatrader or even better a tt trader broker. Develop some simple strategies involving different time frames and lots of volume divergences. Study some economics and watch out for the developments. Use lots of fibonacci and elliot wave, there is great order in the overall US markets, you would be very surprised. Dont think about getting rich just becoming your own boss.

    If I had the money and had mental stability and some more health I would do it.

    BTW, the American Dream

    The reason I am posting, and I know it seems out of the topic, is because you seem like a smart person and this might be a mechanism to achieve some freedom so that you can get all the help you deserve to live a positive lifestyle. But offcourse I think that more immediate actions should be done to assess and treat your depression, simple things that can be done with therapy, treatments, and a different routine. Also, a different mindset and perspective.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 21, 2014
  3. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Is this the same wife from your original posts 7 years ago? I am not sure how killing yourself improves their financial security as even life insurance policies are far less than annual earning over many years most often, to say nothing about the emotional abuse and trauma it puts them through. I also do not see how deciding to kill yourself to support them is any less greedy than the corporations that make decisions based on money.

    After reading through a lot of your posts the only thing I am not finding is what you have done to get help in changing the situation and how having a bad marriage for many years because you do not want her to divorce you has made anything better for you or your family. Please consider looking into ways to actually do something to improve the situation for your family and yourself and to get help dso whether married or not you and your children can have happiness instead of just more trauma and pain....
  4. PinkiePieInTheSky

    PinkiePieInTheSky Well-Known Member

    Please try calling 1-800-SUICIDE, dialing 911, and going to the ER.

    You say you don't deserve your family... Do you think your wife will deserve you leaving her? She clearly still values you greatly- maybe you are worth more to her and your children than living the American Dream is.
  5. Believe me...I understand financial pressure...I had to have my daughter go live with her father because I can't afford to even feed her...barely can feed myself...but when I read your story I lucky you really are to have a wife who loves fiance died in a car accident after we had an argument and now I have no one at all...please please reconsider...nothing is worse than the pain over loss of a loved one...I hope this message finds you well..please just try to hold on
  6. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    My former employers are making tens of millions of dollars off of my work.
    All I have ever asked is to be able to support my family.
    I can't hold on. I get these flutters of hope, just to have hope dashed again.
  7. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Nothing could be worse for your children than the pain of losing a parent to suicide. That's a pain that would never, ever stop hurting.
  8. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    But why does it have to be so damned hard?!?!?!?!?
    Now my wife is angry at me. I prayed all night last night till I fell asleep for God to take me.
    I prayed all this morning for the same thing.
    This isn't fair. I sacrificed so much for the people I worked for. How much lost time was there with my kids, while I was working for them?
    It was bad enough I was making things that were being used to kill people. So, I made the mistake of telling these "fine upstanding citizens" that it hurt to do that?
    That it was bothering me that what I was doing could be used to hurt and destroy people that I've never met and never had a problem with? I left the military for that very reason. After I saw my firstborn son on the ultrasound for the first time, every time I thought of killing people "on behalf of my country" I kept having these images in my head comparing killing someone else to killing my son.
    I deserve destitution for that? For pursuing my dream of teaching, instead?
    I can't move anywhere. I don't have the money and frankly I have too many family here and I don't want to leave them like that. If I did I would be too depressed and would off myself, anyway.
    Just wish I could die. Seems like that's the only viable option on the table.
  9. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    I spent TEN YEARS trying to make a career in the defense industry work. All because I tried to win back my first wife, and then I got trapped by the income.
    It's not right and I want to die.
  10. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    As much as I wish I could answer your questions, I can't. But I'm here and will listen if you want or need to talk. I hope you find a way to hold on, because your kids will always need you. No amount of money, or anything else, can take your place in their lives.

    Why is your wife angry at you?
  11. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    Basically because she now has to get a part-time job, instead of focusing solely on school.
    She walked out on us (with my two stepsons) last September.
    She had filed for divorce, but she called a halt to it and had the judge dismiss the case. I had fought very hard to win her back. We have been working really hard to restore our marriage.
    The other reason she is mad at me is because she wants me to leave my kids by birth (son and daughter) and move down there with here to her hometown. It will basically mean I will have to abandon my son and daughter (their moms are both up here).
    Went up into the mountains last night to try to hang myself (AGAIN). STILL don't have the courage to completely go through with it.
  12. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    I have been helping her out with her bills, because that is what a husband is supposed to do.
    However, I've started running out of money, since I lost my job last November and all I can get are adjunct teaching gigs and a graduate teaching assistantship.
    Guess my loserness is ruining the lives of everyone else around me... as usual....
  13. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    AND to top it all off, I'm getting brain-fry dealing with some issues that have been destroying my life for a very long time.
  14. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I am truly sorry things are so difficult for you. That you made a decision born of good conscience and have not been able to find another adequate source of revenue to support your family since.

    The job market is driving so many to feel like failures and to consider suicide. But as WildCherry has said, this is not really a solution. There are things money can never ever replace. And one of them is a dad. Still I do understand that there is a large segment of the population who has been seriously effected by the economy to the point of despair and feelings of self degradation.

    Lack of employment and therefore financial stability can lead to feelings of absolute worthlessness. Its a malaise that is effecting too many people. And sadly for some, it will effect them on a core level for the remainder of their lives. They are the ones who lost a parent or spouse because of it. They will live with the hole in their heart called "loss of my parent due to suicide". Its an endless sentence.

    Of course the pain and feelings need to be dealt with. Have you considered counseling? I hope you will. Because I do understaand that the pain you write about runs quite deep. I would not want to see anyone continue to navigate that all alone.
  15. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    I attempted a couple of times since I last posted.
    On the one hand, I ccan't seem to bring myself to do it. On the other hand, sticking around isn't helping any, either.
    Had some interviews for "better" jobs. One still involved me making stuff that kills people. They said they would call me back but haven't.
    I have some possible positions in finance (ironically) that may show more promise.
    But my account is negative again and I can't even pay lunch money for my kids at school.
    I'm ready to leave this life. But while all my life I have run to the aid of others, anyone who might help me with a decent job is dragging their feet getting back to me.
    I was even turned down for a job with the post office (????)
    I look forward to death - anything to not have to live with what a failure my life is.
    But yet I fear it.
    All I know is that, as usual, the help for me is going to come too late.
    Maybe I do need to kill myself. Just to get employers to recognize it's not all about them and that sometimes, they are someone else's hope and that the worst thing they could do is hate to hurry.
    I doubt they would even care, however. So what's the point of making it about that.
    Just kill myself and let them ignore it and continue on in ignorance.
    I'm working two jobs right now, and neither one cares whether or not I starve.
  16. Milhouse

    Milhouse Member

    Hang in there, I've been down that road many times, things improved as time went on, of course it wasn't all uphill from there but generally things that are troubling you now will subside, try and start like a project or something when negative thoughts run through your mind, you'll forget them.
  17. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    I can't... even get... a job... at WAL MART!!!!!!!
    I am probably about to be kicked out of my apartment because I can't afford rent. I have already lost my house.
    I was going to end it last night. I fell asleep before I could go do it (I won't mention methods, since those get censored).
    My family isn't going to help me anymore, and anyway they are pretty much disowning me.
    Why didn't I just go last night? It would have been easier on everyone.
    Wish I had. I hate this life and it is absolutely miserable. Everything is imploding around my ears, and nobody cares. No one is in a hurry except me.
    Please God, why won't you just end me?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
  18. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    Something you wrote earlier in this thread is standing out to me. You don't want to move, because that would be abandoning your son and daughter. But if you took your own life, that sort of abandonment is so, so much worse, so much more painful, than if you just moved.
  19. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    I think WildCherry is right, it would hurt them so much..! I know what I'm talking about, for me, it's "just" my grandmother that I could never get to know because she took her life before my dad was even at secondary school, but it still hurts ME.
  20. gwalchmei

    gwalchmei Well-Known Member

    WildCherry, it's not that simple. It's the agony of not being able to take care of them.
    I can't think straight anymore. No one but me is in a hurry.
    As usual, the help - or more to the point, the "chance to help myself" will come too late.
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