I am suicidal. Because I'm extremely depressed. I've been depressed for most of my life. I've been on anti-depressants for four years. I've gone to therapy many many times. I've given up on life, and I want to die. But that's not going to happen. I realized that I'm not going to die unless of old age or if I get really sick. I just left college, a really good college because of my depression. and YES I was smoking weed 24/7 and I was dependent on weed, but I am not addicted. I was just self-medicating. So once I left college in January I stopped smoking and drinking. And everyone tells me that my depression got worst because of marijuana. But you know what, if I'm gonna be stuck on this earth, I am going to do what ever I can to make me happy, and I am happy when I smoke so I'm going to start smoking again. I haven't smoked since January and my depression is worst and nothing is working, my medication isn't working, and therapy is bullshit. My family isn't supportive and I have no real friends. I've got friends that don't understand depression and I've got friends that understand what I'm going through but are too busy with their lives or simply don't care. So I'm going to start smoking again and yes I'm nervous that it will make my depression worst, but I just can't sit here anymore. I can't keep waiting for things to get better. I am going insane and on the verge of going to the hospital for suicide watch. I just want to be happy.