I have attempted to open credit cards, one of which I got a letter of approval from, and applying for all sorts of jobs in order to have some sort of income to use on buying the materials I need to be able to kill myself. My fiancé and I are both using drugs at this point, him because he is a heroin addict and me because I am utterly devastated at him being an addict and unable to stop. But the drug use has gone beyond even heroin, also crack/cocaine and marijuana, and a bunch of legal substances as well. I feel like I'll take anything at this point just to feel better from the regular every day misery that I currently feel due to his heroin binges. I know that a big part of that is also my fault, because the last time we both did heroin I was the one who suggested it (like the hypocrite that I am) and therefore I now feel that everything he does from then on is my own fault, not his, because I asked him to do it with me that time. I 100% blame myself and it just makes me want to kill myself even more. All I am looking for now is for something to push me over the edge because the only way out that I see out of this situation is to die. I can't leave because I've tried that so manya other times and I end up going back every single time due to my BPD and inability to be alone. So I am stuck and my only option is suicide. I just hope I am able to go through with it sometime soon. I do, after all, have the means to do it already. And plenty of reasons.