Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happen.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by AsphyxiateOnMisery, Mar 25, 2012.

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  1. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    I have attempted to open credit cards, one of which I got a letter of approval from, and applying for all sorts of jobs in order to have some sort of income to use on buying the materials I need to be able to kill myself. My fiancé and I are both using drugs at this point, him because he is a heroin addict and me because I am utterly devastated at him being an addict and unable to stop. But the drug use has gone beyond even heroin, also crack/cocaine and marijuana, and a bunch of legal substances as well. I feel like I'll take anything at this point just to feel better from the regular every day misery that I currently feel due to his heroin binges. I know that a big part of that is also my fault, because the last time we both did heroin I was the one who suggested it (like the hypocrite that I am) and therefore I now feel that everything he does from then on is my own fault, not his, because I asked him to do it with me that time. I 100% blame myself and it just makes me want to kill myself even more. All I am looking for now is for something to push me over the edge because the only way out that I see out of this situation is to die. I can't leave because I've tried that so manya other times and I end up going back every single time due to my BPD and inability to be alone. So I am stuck and my only option is suicide. I just hope I am able to go through with it sometime soon. I do, after all, have the means to do it already. And plenty of reasons.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Re: Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happ

    NO reason is there to take your life You do have options really you can go and get treatment get help to get off all those drugs and the best way to get your finance help is for you to get clean and to give him that choice as well. Get clean or get out HE is an adult makes his own choices he could have said hell no but did not. You need to start thinking about getting help for you now and stop waisting valuable time hun heal now okay get help now.
     
  3. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Re: Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happ

    :S :( Is there no way to create an environment for yourself where you're only dealing with your own drug use? Blindly without knowing you, you sound very pro-active, even though you're focusing on things atm that are hurting you... I just mean, you had it going for a moment. I know he's going through his own thing and, the only reason I can see for you staying with him is because you love him, and he loves you. ... idk... Drugs fuck you up, big time. You can still love, but your head.. even your feelings can get so messed up that you can lose connection with that love and care for eachother. You both need help, or to bond together on overcoming this drug use. I think you're honest... very actually. He's abit of a random aspect because youre having to deal with the possibility of distrust, and the reality too. Can you talk to him? cause he seems to be very needing of heroine, and tbh, if he can't keep that under control or atleast appricate the affects it's having on you, then he should consider how these drugs are affecting the person who he is. He loves(im assuming again sorry) but continues to use heavy drugs. He's not going to find answers there, especially if he can't even explain in some fashion why he's doing it or what he's after, or trying to escape from.
    Idk.. if he's wanting to be a part of your life, and really be happy withyou or try to make something out of it.. he needs to appricate how dangerous these drugs are to your relationship, let alone to his body, mind and life. He's worth more than any drug or sensation, same with you. This shit is digging... im sorta worried. The fact that you gave in and suggested heroine at one stage has give you a gateway to taking all the pressure and responsibility for both your actions. In this particular case, that's never true. You're not an enabler, youre you and his partner. I don't believe for one moment you want to cause him pain or discomfort, so I don't believe that momentary lapse of suggesting you both do heroine should make you feel like that permenantly. .. yes it was a mistake. Im sorry, i know you don't need that slapped in your face, I just.. idk. These drugs arent helping. I dont know how much you do, or how much you both do, but they're causing havok between you two, and to yourselves. Idk ive never touched heroine, ive just done light drugs, and I am very aware of their addictive natures, mentally, emotionally... whatever you dont want my life story on it. I just know from a lesser drugs point of view, it's difficult to connect with life when theres a strong pull to a drug or sensation(s) while on those drugs, or calm moments I guess. I really dont want to fill you with optimistic bullshit, but I will be honest, life is better without drugs. Drugs can help in ways, but the best parts of life are off of drugs. It's so much more difficult to deal with the problems in life when youre on drugs or have them as a factor. .. but either way, with them, or without them, you matter. Im not telling you do, you just do. No drug is worth, no person is worth you feeling like this. If he loves you, he needs to work with you. Or .. you need to do what you've done and can do, and take charge again of the situation. Don't let anyone bring you down, unless you're trying to help him and this is the only way you can of doing that. But at the sametime.. you deserve alot more than this. And tbh I think you'd go and get it if you had the right stability in your life. And perhaps maybe he would too. Idk his situation, but it can't be good if he feels he has to do drugs, but feels bad for doing it so he lies about it to not upset you. Idk.. im sorry. All I really want to say is I think youre a very strong person from what I've read. Do something that makes you shine, or atleast starts that momentum again. Cause this route... no. You deserve more than this. So does he.... sorry I dont want to offend you. I really dont know how hard it is, but you're not alone per say.
     
  4. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Re: Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happ

    I feel like I'm getting worse. And perhaps so is he. The whole problem this whole time has been heroin and now it seems it's crack as well. He says he's not addicted to it and doesn't like it as much, though. And I just eh...think it's decent, the withdrawal is definitely not as horrible as heroin. But I know that they're both bad. And this isn't even me...at least, it's not who I used to be. But now I'm a drug user. I don't feel like my future has anything worthwhile waiting for me in it. I am about to finish my associates degree in less than 6 months, but I don't exactly feel as though that has any particular or significant impact on my future or success in life. And I don't know, I've just become this person that I don't even recognize anymore. I'm having trouble doing all my school work and handing things in on time due to my regular shitty moods combined with regular drug use on a weekly basis. I come down from something and feel like shit and then postpone my responsibilities. I truly and sincerely want to die. It doesn't seem as though any doctor or therapist will be able to help me fix my situation. They've been trying and so far, nothing. I want to die. I am better off dead. Those are two facts that I know for sure. What I don't know for sure is how I'm going to do it yet, or whether my family putting me through hell is reason enough for me to put them through hell in return. I just, I don't know. In the past 2 days I've done crack and heroin and I don't want to be this person. But I don't feel like there's a way out. I've tried to find it and I'm still at a loss. I don't necessarily need advice. I realize that there's probably nobody out there who can help me or say anything that I don't already know, so I guess the main point of this post is to let my feelings out. The only hope I have left is the hope that one day soon I will be dead.
     
  5. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Re: Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happ

    :S..
    There's a few things that perhaps you really need to address. Firstly, as much as you make rip into your associate degree and how you can use that for your future, the thing that is most important is that you're doing it. You want to, or have wanted to at some point. You really need to appricate that your views on life will be severly narrowed and emphasised when you're on such heavy heavy drugs. :S.. I'm not trying to knock your ability to be you with them in your life, but they will, and more than likely are causing you a serious drain on your emotional and mental energies, let alone your ability to flow from one aspect/moment to the next. .. sorry im not good at explaining this. Im just meaning the stimulation of a high and the come downs from it might be doing one part of your life a "service", but the damage those drugs are causing you outside of that is not worth it. You need to stop taking heroine, and please try to stop taking crack now. Both need to stop. I know how pointless this is to tell you that, but it's an thought that I truly believe you need encouragment in, atleast.. right now. I know there's alot more than just the drugs and they may be a sort of blessing in their own way. But they're not worth it. Not if it means making you believe you're losing parts of your life. Drugs do that, and put that in conjunction with your fiance, your stress with school, and everything.. it makes a chaotic shit storm that digs and rips away at who you are in a perceptual sense. The thing to remember is you're always u, despite how good or bad you look at yourself, you're you. You can take charge of these drugs, you can ..liberate, your feelings and thoughts from a heavy impossible view, and let yourself touch with the happier moments again. That takes time, and alot of patience with yourself and ability to flow through the crazyness that is everyday. It gets better imo, but with these drugs? No, you need to stop. fuck the rest of what I say, u need to stop these drugs. I know you don't care, but perhaps .. try to appricate the possibility that these drugs are adding and distorting your views of yourself and your future. Maybe try to remember that you can have a life and make things happen if these drugs weren't such a big distraction and lure. They're keeping you away from things that are important to you, and more than likely bleeding your feelings into a drug induced moment. I stop talking about that, but I just... I know you've done it before by taking charge. I honestly believe the comedown and withdraws are worth the agony and utter crap, for a future you can strive for and make how you want it. There are people here that will always respond to you and whom have gone through similar situations. And if you so need, there are groups that will help you aswell. But .. yeah. Please stop the drugs.. I'm not really trying to advise you(minus the stopping of the drugs) but more trying to get you to remember a time when you knew you could and were doing things that made you feel better and that there is hope. All this shit gets in the way of the best parts of who we are. ... sorry I really do ramble. Please look after you
     
  6. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Re: Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happ

    I'm not on drugs 24/7. There are times that I'm sober. Like today. I'm not coming down off anything because I was sober yesterday too. And yes, I still want to die. The only issue at this point is whether I'll die from drugs, or how I'll get the money to pay for the stuff I need to kill myself. Right now, I only impulsively want to commit suicide every now and then...so what I need is to buy the stuff and have it sit in my closet or something for the next time that I feel like I need it. Then maybe I'll finally end it and avoid myself the fate of a shitty life and dying from drugs.
     
  7. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Re: Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happ

    That's kinda what I mean, being able to find your own strength again and find your way through this bad time is going to be extremely more difficult with these drugs. Let alone the confusion with your fiance. But yeah..
    Do you have anyone you can talk to about the things that are making you feel like this? It might help. Like, if you can remember or work towards just getting that idea of what you want, and looking at what is in your life that is holding you down. Perhaps you can change the way things are in your lifestyle that get in the way with you dealing with the things that are causing the situations that make you feel like this. God my grammer is horrible. There's a point in there though. Those two points you're anchoring too arent the solution, though I do from my own experience understand what you mean. To a degree i mean.. I just mean, there is a way through this. It at somepoint requires you being honest with who you are, and allowing certain things into your life, and resisting other things from entering your life. Life can be so fucking shit, but it's not the definition of all life for you.
    Sorry If i came off like I was saying you were using drugs 24/7, or implying that you are feeling low because of the drugs. I just mean, they're going to make things a hell of alot worse, and inevitably start draining who you are. Fuck the drugs.. there's alot more things to touch with. Maybe you need to try and explore some more positive things just for you, so you can remind yourself that you do matter, and that if anything keeps you down, it's not worth it in your life.
    The main problem right now isn't the drugs, but it's coming a main problem on it's own. If that makes sense. Seriously, it's not worth it, not even to dabble in. Atleast not now, though I would say never in the end. Please, if he suggests you do drugs again, especially heroine or crack, say no. Don't let him emotionally draw you into it either.. and if you want to do them, please try to remember what a shit crap thing it really is, and that there are more important and lovely things in life for you.
     
  8. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Re: Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happ

    No, I wasn't thinking you were trying to imply I was on drugs 24/7, I just said that because there are a lot more things wrong with my life than drugs. Drugs aren't the root of everything. Other things are. I don't feel like I have a choice though. It's either I take drugs and feel okay for a little while after I do them. Or I don't take them and I never feel okay and always feel like shit. At least if I take them, I sort of know what happiness is...for a little while. That's better than nothing. And no...I don't have anyone to talk to in real life. That's why I'm making myself look like a pathetic loser on an internet forum. My only chance to get better is if he stops using. Otherwise, it'll keep happening and I'll end up dying one way or another.
     
  9. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Re: Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happ

    Well.. I think that there is always a way through things, and way to re-connect and find things that may seem lost. I know the sheer weight and amount of things can truly make you "know" that its impossible to feel happy. But nothings impossible, but it'll always be next to impossible if everythings lumped together, and ontop of that hyper stimulated and distorted by drugs. For me, I know what it's like to go day in and day out with nothing changing. Where problems stay the same, or infact deterriorate and evolve. But whatever they are, theres always a way through them, unwravelling them and in alot of times, just simply overcoming the issues that cause hesitiation or perticular feelings and situations....blah blah.. I know it's not like that for you per say, I just mean, that what your challenges are, they aren't set in stone. Unless ofcourse you've lost a leg or something like that. But even in that case, you can still compensate and adapt to enjoy life.
    I've never experienced any heavy drug effects, but I can tell you that if they are making you feel better, it's creating an illusion of what feeling ok feels like. And it's just going to make those real moments when you can feel better much more difficult to release into. I do understand what you mean by having something rather then nothing. Perhaps though, maybe you can try to talk a bit more about the things that bother who you are. Not drugs exactly, or other people, but the things that are stopping you. Unless it's other people, in that case there are some pretty clear solutions to dealing with those situations.
    Regardless of how it goes, you're you. Posting here, or anywhere else doesn't define you. If anything, it shows youre prepared to challenge your problems instead of sitting idle and letting yourself be consumed by them. No matter how that comes out, simply by giving yourself that moment to just be you, youre effectively healing and growing who you are. Atleast in my opinon.

    I do agree with you. You will get better if he stops using. .. the dude needs a reality check though. Is he suicidal or depressed? I assume he's depressed in some fashion, but can he talk about anything?
    I hope you both are doing ok, and resisting those drugs, or at the very least, lessening the usage.
     
  10. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Re: Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happ

    Yes, drugs do generate an "illusion" of feeling okay, but then so do anti-depressants because they're drugs too. Only difference is, anything that actually WORKS for depression is illegal, and the shit that doesn't work they give out freely without care. But even though it's only an illusion, like I said, it's better than nothing. Although, you're right that doing heroin kills your endorphins and makes it impossible (or less possible) to actually enjoy something for real. But it's not like I ever expect to enjoy anything for real, so I'm not too worried.

    Also, yes, he is depressed, and he hasn't been able to deal with it in any other way. But with drug use, there is always some sort of other underlying problem. People don't just use drugs for no reason, they use them because their current life situations, whatever they may be, do not allow them to feel happiness as much as they would like.
     
  11. ChessChrist

    ChessChrist New Member

    Re: Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happ

    You know that you shouldn't kill yourself, and there's proof of that in your post. You don't need any materials to kill yourself; you can jump off something if you want to, but you don't because you want to live.

    There are so many free rehabilitation programs around. I ask you from a logical point of view, that given your clear desire to live, to seek such a program with your husband. Hell, if you can't find any on your own, you can tell the police about your situation. You just need to become clean, and you will be happy.
     
  12. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Re: Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happ

    That's where you're wrong. I can't jump off of anything because I'm too much of a pathetic coward. If anything, I would attempt to OD before that, if I was really all that desperate. But, why do you think wanting to die always has to be an impulsive action such as jumping off of something? I am plenty capable of making a calm and rational decision about dying a month from now (for instance), and still go through with it...which would be more ideal to me than being in pain from an OD or otherwise. I would think that making a long-term plan like that and going through with it when the time comes is more proof that one doesn't want to live than someone who jumps off a bridge when they would have probably regretted it the next day.

    As for rehab programs...why don't you try talking to my husband about one of those and see how far you get.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2012
  13. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Re: Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happ

    Wow, he is a complete douche sometimes. I don't know if he does it on purpose or what. If I could get high today, I would. I feel like shit and I really hate today. When it really comes down to it, it seems like I have absolutely no one at all to rely on.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 31, 2012
  14. ChessChrist

    ChessChrist New Member

    Re: Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happ

    Too cowardly?

    What are you afraid of?

    And why will that fear abate months from now?
     
  15. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Re: Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happ

    Pain...is what I'm afraid of. I've spent months doing research on how to do it in a painless way...and the best painless way that I've come up with requires certain materials. That's why it's my preferred method.

    What do you mean by why will it abate months from now? I don't have a fear of dying. I have a fear of pain. The fear of pain won't abate. The reason I'm choosing not to die yet, however, is not because I don't want to...but because I still have some hope in things changing, however small it may be. I know it's a permanent decision, and I want to make sure that I feel like it's the only thing left to do before I do it. I haven't reached that point yet, but I'm on my way there.
     
  16. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Re: Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happ

    Hmm.. Does he talk to anyone or do you know what his problems are? You'll never get anywhere by trying to talk to him about his problems when he feels he can just escape to drugs or walk away. Or perhaps give you an aswer you want to hear but not his true answer. He's a real kicker in this problem. If it was just you, I'd suggest taking targets daily, like small things that you can do, even if it's one every few days. Something that you can connect with and try to make it how you want. Be it from a drawing, a report, running, making a cup of tea. It doesn't really matter, what would matter is if you found or made something that you want, and actually made it happen. And as you did it, try to resist any thoughts and feelings that you don't want in your life.
    Idk it's an idea. The thing is you need more positive things in your life, and your focus going towards more positive things. I'm sorry if that sounds insensitive.. Ijust wonder if you started doing small things for yourself, you might be able to gain a better perspective on the things that you are doing that are making you feel down. And perhaps re-vitalise some of the ways you used to think and feel about life, as opposed to the ones youre fending off now.
    He's an incredible anchor.. it'd be nice if u two could do something fun together, and start wanting to do things together more often that don't include drugs. Even if it's talking about how you're feeling like shit. Maybe start working towards reminding eachother about why you two love one another. idk... Treat you kindly, the shit that comes your way isn't worth a piece of you ever. People fall from time to time, especially over the samethings when there is a lure to a comfortable zone. Perhaps there are people you can talk to whom have found ways of dealing with the shittyness of the day, that doesn't include doing drugs. Even the suddle reminder can be a problem, though the escape is the point I guess...
    Maybe you need to talk about what you want in life. Or atleast, try to talk about the things that you did want, and not let the "impossible" or "this is why it can't happen" thoughts jump in. Just let yourself try to experience something without you or anyone else ripping it apart. .. Kinda why something small is better. idk..
    Hope you both are doing ok
     
  17. AsphyxiateOnMisery

    AsphyxiateOnMisery Well-Known Member

    Re: Coming close to a suicide attempt, and working toward the means of making it happ

    He has a therapist, and yes I know what his problems are. His mother died from cancer about a year ago, and he hasn't dealt with it yet and is still having problems coping.

    I don't even enjoy a lot of "big" things anymore; I doubt I could appreciate "small" things, or that they would help in some way.

    I tell him that all the time. He doesn't care, nor feel the same way. He would stay in bed all day and sleep if he could.

    I don't have anyone at all to talk to. Let alone someone who knows how to deal with life's problems without drugs.
     
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