Coming close to the end

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Leocorde, Jul 26, 2016.

  1. Leocorde

    Leocorde Member

    I've been weighing this for a long time and I've come to my decision. I'm giving myself a timeline and then I'll be done.

    If anyone out there has any words of encouragement, I'm open to hearing them. I'll probably have an argument or conflicting opinion with each point, but I'm willing to hear what you have to say.
  2. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Know we are always here for you.


    Please don't give up.

    Anything happened that has you thinking this way?
  3. Leocorde

    Leocorde Member

    I've been coming to this for a long time. Yes, there was a particular event today that has pushed me over the edge. Not sure I have the strength left to fight it any more.
  4. Kid B

    Kid B Well-Known Member

    You will find the extra strength here.
    brknsilence likes this.
  5. brknsilence

    brknsilence Well-Known Member

    Keep fighting.

    Here if you want to talk about it.

  6. Rockclimbinggirl

    Rockclimbinggirl SF climber Staff Member Safety & Support

    I am sorry that you are feeling so down. Keep going. Reach out for help. Call a helpline if you need to. Keep talking.

    brknsilence likes this.
  7. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    This is a PRO-LIFE site, so obviously we want you to be safe and above all, ALIVE! You are not over the edge, you are on the edge. You can change this, you have a choice, its not too late. If you were over the edge, it would already be too late, but its not. So talk to us about whatever it is that has gone wrong. How can we help if you dont tell us what is going on? And trust me, we want to help and support you, every single one of us.

    You have options, talk to us lot in here, call a helpline, go to hospital, but this does not have to be the end of the road.
  8. Leocorde

    Leocorde Member

    Ok ,sorry for the sudden topic change, but who am I to be making my problem everybody else's? What right do I have to make myself the center of attention, like other peoples' problems don't matter?
  9. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    hello doofus, your the reason we are here. we are here to help You right now in this time and space. We are not here to help tom , dick, harry, we are focused on you; we will help them later. ( Not harry he's a bit of an arse.) but we can not help you if don't share whats bothering you. when you share stuff then we can all pitch in and help. it may not be the prettiest thing in town but it will be help.
  10. Leocorde

    Leocorde Member

    What kinds of things would you want me to share, and would it make a difference? Regardless of what they are, they are crushing me every hour of every day and I don't want to live through them anymore. Things won't change, I've tried. I've tried affecting the things that are affecting me, and I've tried changing myself when that fails. I'm not getting any victories here, so why not give up. Even if there were a magical day where everything feels better, I have no confidence that that day will actually ever come, and no strength to make it all the days up until that.
    letuswalk likes this.
  11. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Things is not a very descriptive word really. You might well feel/believe you are seeing no victories, but someone else will see another perspective and could well see some small victories that you dismiss as insignificant. I know, I have done it and been in that position. I beat myself up every single day for being depressed. But through therapy and reading and being here, slowly, I am finding a way forward. Because, others see progress where I see none.

    Its all about small goals that are realistic and achieveable. We often expect way too much of ourselves and feel defeated because of that. Right now, I see a very bleak future for myself, but I know that if I quit beating myself up when things dont go well and stop expecting myself to be superman and set some goals that I can actually reach, then who knows what might happen?
  12. Leocorde

    Leocorde Member

    One of the hotline workers called me back today, and said he would again tomorrow, too. It didn't really help. My great uncle also said the whole family thinks I'm in danger, but I don't know how they know because I haven't talked to anybody. Nothing has helped.

    The problem is, I know have a plan. I know the day and the time and the method, and I'm using the time up to that point to see what else there is out there.
  13. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    In the hope that something out there will change your mind, or prevent you going ahead with your plan? That is not the problem here. The problem is, you are not thinking rationally. You believe you are, but look at all the other replies to this thread, no one agrees with you. Depression does that to a person, it distorts how you think and see things and often we catastrophise about situations because of that. Its the illness/condition. There are other options and other choices.
  14. lightning05

    lightning05 Well-Known Member

    4 years ago I had a plan. I knew what I was going to do, where, and how. But a friend talked me out of it and convinced me to stay alive, even if just for another day. Obviously 4 years later I am still here. Not going to say that I am not still very depressed but even though I want to end my life I don't. You have to find 1 small reason to keep going because it can get better. Please don't give up. Tell us what's wrong.
    moxman and SinisterKid like this.
  15. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Share with us what is going on in your life that you feel this way. You will feel a whole lot better letting it all out vs keeping it all inside; like a poison. And if you sound less than cool or something else don't worry about it. What do we know we are just some numbskulls on the internet we have no idea of who you are in real life. All you need to know about us is that we want to help you , we have no agenda, we are not taking sides, we are not blaming you for whatever has transpired. Give us a chance. the ball is in your court my friend, what will you do with it?
    lightning05 likes this.
  16. Leocorde

    Leocorde Member

    Well, a lot has gone wrong lately. I've lost my kids (never get to see them), I never get recognition at my job even though I'm paid to be the smartest guy there, I have a baby on the way with a woman I'm in love with who used to be my best friend but now she hates me. I don't even know if she's going to let me be in my new baby's life. Crushing financial debt is getting bigger and bigger. I don't have any friends or anybody I know who I could lean on or get support. Nothing I have right now is anything I care about, the things I care about are the things I don't have and can't get.

    I feel like a total failure at life. Everything I care about I've screwed up. I've got nothing left going for me. I find no value in anything I've got right now, because it brings no meaning to my life and it doesn't fulfil me.

    I think I'm hurting some people by being such a problem for them. I just want to go away. I can escape from all the things that plague me every day, and I can remove myself from being a problem for everyone who is stressed out by my existance.
  17. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    You now have friends you can lean on anytime here at SF and we will support you any way we can.

    You fight for access rights to your kids, and you keep fighting until you get that. Are you the smartest guy there? If you are and you are paid for it, then that is all the recognition you need and you keep telling yourself that.

    Why does the woman you love now hate you even though she is carrying your baby?

    I dont know where in the world you are, so dont know if going bankrupt is an option for you if the debt is getting too much to manage. But there will be a way out of that hole, we just have to find it.

    3 months ago, you can go read it, I was saying the same things as you are saying. I still feel that way a lot of the time, but not 100% of the time. Its a very small improvement, but its there, as it has been pointed out to me by more than one person. I am still depressed, I am still often suicidal and I think most people I know would be better off without me dragging them down as I go down. But I am still here after 2 failed attempts at not being here and there has to be a reason for that.

    I know you are hurting so bad right now, I was. I still am, but I am learning to manage the pain. You can do that to if you want, but it takes, time, patience and effort and a determination not to give in, no matter how hard it gets. I promised my partner I would do everything I could to get through the pain and I am fighting, every second of every day to honour that promise. If I can do that, so can you, so can anyone. That baby needs a father and you are it.
  18. Leocorde

    Leocorde Member

    I'm just tired of fighting it. Suppose that some day I get better and feel good about myself and my place in the world. Well, even if that were possible (which I don't believe), I'm not strong enough to make it that long.

    I think about my plan and I'm actually excited about it. Every other time I tried, I was nervous and scared, but this time I can't wait for it....
  19. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    So why does it need to be a specific time, date and place, any reason for that?
  20. Leocorde

    Leocorde Member

    Poetry, I suppose. The method is new I'm trying, the timing is how long it will take to build the method, and the place has special meaning to me and my whole family. Plus it's a place where I can be alone; nobody will be there.