I OD'ed last week and should be feeling happy to be alive, I'm not, I have a situation that is pretty hopeless. PLEASE help. I don't have anyone in real life I talk to about this. I am 25, from a very strong religious background in family school, college, friends, etc. I have known I was gay since about age 12-13. I have not been involved in a serious relationship since I was 16, during that time I was involved with another girl, and in 07 had a sort of relationship with another girl as well. I don't want to be a lesbian, at all, and at age 19 tried to make myself straight through an online program, got a degree in Theology and later an MA, and have since been working for a church. But despite all the efforts I've made, I'm still gay. I've been using drugs (oxy and percocet mostly) to blunt the feelings, and recently got off them. One of the best parts of opiate use is no sex drive. No sexuality, even, at all. Suddenly now I have to deal with them again, and I can't. I work for a church, but I barely believe in God at this point, which is absolutely terrifying to write. I teach 100 kids every Sunday and it's extremely difficult at this point. I try to force myself to go out and meet men, but I just can't. I end up sitting around at home a lot, drinking, looking at porn and then hating myself, and wishing I had drugs again. I feel sad all the time. I am tired of fighting with myself and I am tired of the way my life isn't who I am. As I see it my life is like this: Option 1: Continue to live as Christian. Get a Christian counselor to talk to, get gay-rehabbed again, attempt to live as a straight person. Option 2: Accept I'm gay, live a life as a celibate. Option 3: Loose my job, my community standing and respectability; never use my MA again, loose my friends and family who will assume I am eternally damned, leave church, aka, live as a lesbian. I hate every single one of them. Option 4: do drugs so you don't care, is my favorite but I can't live that way forever. Option 5 is suicide. I thought seriously of suicide for a long time. It's been on my mind a lot, lately, but this was a more rational look. I want my life to work out and I want to be happy. But life just feels like such a huge, long, cumbersome burden and I don't know how to fix it. I am overcome with guilt and shame and terror of loosing God and my whole world I've built up. I cannot see how I can possibly survive with any of these options. I cannot see how to live like this. I just want it all to end.