coming out and loosing everything.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by setyourselfonfire, Jan 10, 2010.

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  1. setyourselfonfire

    setyourselfonfire New Member

    I OD'ed last week and should be feeling happy to be alive, I'm not, I have a situation that is pretty hopeless. PLEASE help. I don't have anyone in real life I talk to about this.

    I am 25, from a very strong religious background in family school, college, friends, etc. I have known I was gay since about age 12-13. I have not been involved in a serious relationship since I was 16, during that time I was involved with another girl, and in 07 had a sort of relationship with another girl as well. I don't want to be a lesbian, at all, and at age 19 tried to make myself straight through an online program, got a degree in Theology and later an MA, and have since been working for a church. But despite all the efforts I've made, I'm still gay.

    I've been using drugs (oxy and percocet mostly) to blunt the feelings, and recently got off them. One of the best parts of opiate use is no sex drive. No sexuality, even, at all. Suddenly now I have to deal with them again, and I can't.

    I work for a church, but I barely believe in God at this point, which is absolutely terrifying to write. I teach 100 kids every Sunday and it's extremely difficult at this point. I try to force myself to go out and meet men, but I just can't. I end up sitting around at home a lot, drinking, looking at porn and then hating myself, and wishing I had drugs again.

    I feel sad all the time. I am tired of fighting with myself and I am tired of the way my life isn't who I am. As I see it my life is like this:

    Option 1: Continue to live as Christian. Get a Christian counselor to talk to, get gay-rehabbed again, attempt to live as a straight person.
    Option 2: Accept I'm gay, live a life as a celibate.
    Option 3: Loose my job, my community standing and respectability; never use my MA again, loose my friends and family who will assume I am eternally damned, leave church, aka, live as a lesbian.

    I hate every single one of them. Option 4: do drugs so you don't care, is my favorite but I can't live that way forever. Option 5 is suicide.

    I thought seriously of suicide for a long time. It's been on my mind a lot, lately, but this was a more rational look. I want my life to work out and I want to be happy. But life just feels like such a huge, long, cumbersome burden and I don't know how to fix it. I am overcome with guilt and shame and terror of loosing God and my whole world I've built up.

    I cannot see how I can possibly survive with any of these options. I cannot see how to live like this. I just want it all to end.
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    hey before i reply and i wouldlike to give you a good thoughtful reply can I ask why option 4, coming out and living as you feel inside means you lose everything? Where I live gays are not discriminated against and may move here to live life without judgment...why does coming out automatically mean you lose everything? I know your life will change i get that but total ruin I just fail to see that.

    I care and you will not be judged here, you are welcomed.
  3. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    If you try to force yourself into being what you are not you will never be happy.

    Being gay is not a choice. It is also not a big deal, just who you are attracted to. It seems ridiculous to me for the people around you to be so heavily judging for such a small part of someone.

    If you believe in god though I don't believe all Christian groups are filled with hate. Maybe you can find a gay-friendly church?
  4. jxdama

    jxdama Staff Member Safety & Support

    i suggest you accept being lesbian. god loves you no matter what.
  5. silent_beast

    silent_beast Active Member

    Coming out is hard, no doubt. Yes, you will lose some things in coming out, but think what you'll gain--your true self. That is necessary in order to be truly happy. Besides, how much are the things and people that you have in worth if they do not make you feel that you can be yourself, or love yourself. If this continues, you will end up with more self-hatred and a disconnect from the world.

    It's hazardous to engage in such self-hatred. I am not telling what to do, but I am suggesting that you look at your life and ask yourself, "Is this what I really want? Am I living for me or for everyone

    It's your life. Live it as you please. :)
  6. isd

    isd Well-Known Member

    as a straight person ive always wondered how tough it could be for gay people to come out. and as a person whose had suicidal thoughts i can identify with your pain. sometimes i feel i've never "come out" to my friends about being a depressed person (for fear of being seen as weak)

    i think it will, well already is eating you up inside. if you come out, just prepare yourself for a rough ride (well its rough already isnt it) - fucking rough, but maybe make a long term plan. i dont know 2,3, 5 years - which may involve changing jobs, location, social life (all for the better of course) to a better place. if you need to quit your job, you are obviously bright enough to get a degree, so you can find work. there are plenty of places in this world where being gay wont even bat an eyelid and you can be yourself amongst friends

    change is painfull, but the rewards are great
  7. setyourselfonfire

    setyourselfonfire New Member

    Thank you guys. I feel a lot better just being able to talk about it.

    Loosing everything I've worked for: my job (at a church that does not accept gays) my degree (which leaves me fit for little else than working at a church) my friends and family (who do not accept gays) where I live (with my parent, get the picture)

    So, yeah, that's basically everything I'd say.

    Yeah, this is a good idea, make a long term plan. Get the hell out of Texas, find new job and new place to live, find new friends....then come out. It seems very overwhelming, but a little more doable. I don't want to die. I want to live, I just want to feel like I have some kind of option.
  8. adamO

    adamO New Member

    One thing I will say is, you can't make yourself straight. You can't make someones sexuality I believe you're born with it, just my opinion.
  9. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    I think ur making a lot of assumptions about how the people close to u will react but I understand the fear that ur going thru..all we want as people is to be accepted for who we are by the ones we takes a lot of courage to live as who u r and I have just recently been able to come out to my parents after decades of hiding my true self...I also think it is a gross over statement to say that u will lose everything, ....will things change ....probably but i bet not as bad as u think...all i know is that the only time I was truely happy in my life is when I was free to be myself...idk if any of this is making sense but I hope u realize that ur not alone and that u dont have to live a lie, and it ok to be gay.
  10. Jseer

    Jseer Active Member

    Even as a somewhat failed Christian myself,I think you should get out of that church. With the amount of indepth imformation you dolled out,you have sincerely been through a dam lot! i see it, the Church has the high potentality just to add chaos to this current chapter in your life.
    IF you showed the highest, and perhaps the most respected member of your current church your original posting here, i wonder with serious seriousness just how he/she would look upon it????..and THEN i wonder how Jesus would look upon it???
    IF Jesus REALLY died for ALL that we are to EVER do and manifest here on planet dirt..hmmm..a judging church with all the pretty & bountiful pew dwellers filled to the max with their OWN secreted UNconfessed sins that daily judge you have me to believe probably makes God himself throw up daily with hos very own command:

    "Judge not,that you may be judge of the same".
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 11, 2010
  11. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Ok, this is how I see it. You cannot try to live your life making everyone else happy. Because then you arent living your live. You're living a fantasy to please everyone else. Like it's said, "you can please some of the people some of the time, but you cant please everyone all of the time." You'll drive yourself crazy trying. So you live for you. And what makes you happy.

    You say that you take meds to depress the sexual feelings. Why? They are a part of you. A part that makes you unique and who you are. If you want to get religious about it, arent you going against God's wishes? He created you to be you. And if that means being gay, then that's what you are. Please dont let the rules and feelings of some "organized" religion make you feel less of a person because you dont fit their mould. You are you!! And if they dont like it then find a religion that does. To be a true Christian is to be truly happy with who you are and who God created you to be. And to be able to use the skills you have to go out and help your fellow man/woman/child.

    You are 25. You are an adult. You are allowed to make decisions for yourself. You dont need the approval of anyone else. And if you can show people that you dont need that then they generally will understand that you will do what is right for you. They can accept if or leave it. That's their choice. And not yours to make for them. Just make up your mind and be able to live with it. And I think you are trying so hard to hide what makes you happy for the sakes of others, that you are denying yourself the right to live as you want to. A fundamental right for any person. In other words you are a grown up now and dont need Mom and Dad's approval. Yes they are you're parents. And we all feel some need to please them for all they have done for us in raising us and preparing for the day we go out on our own. But they do not own your life. Your "debt" to them is paid off once you can go out in the world and show them you can make it on your own. That all the years of their "training" are put to good use.

    So please, the first thing you need to decide is whether YOU are happy living your life straight or gay. Then you need to decide if staying where you are will help you to live that life or hinder it. Like I said, you are 25. There is no need for you to stay. If being able to live as you need to means you move on then do it.

    And you are 25. Still so young. There are soooo many paths still ahead of you. So if you want to go back to school and learn skills for another career then do it. You can still do so many things to turn your life around.

    Ok, life as I see it lecture over (lol). Just please the first priority here is you. Make the decisions you have to that will make you happy and help you fulfill being the person you want to live the rest of your life as and the person you can love.
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