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coming out... or not

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by ASolitaryBlue, Mar 19, 2010.

  1. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member

    just wondering if anyone that is not heterosexual has had any problems "coming out."

    i know im currently living at home (although im in college) and my parents are VERY catholic and anti homosexuals. theyve straight up said that if i or my brothers arent straight they dont want to know about it. consequently, i have known i am a lesbian but have not been able to come out to anyone. my college is about 5 minutes away from home and my dad teaches part time there, my family has easy access to the campus so its not like i can even be myself on campus because my family would find out via the other students. its just frustrating.

    just curious if anyone else has faced similar problems
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    No but i am catholic and i would understand if my children were not straight as you put it because god would not judge them why should i Kind of hypercritical of them really You cannot change who you are You have to be true to you and if they cannot accept that then that is their problem not yours I hope you can get the support you need through the councillors at your college take care be proud of who you are inside and out okay
  3. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    i'm catholic but i feel that love is too precious to be condemned

    i'm not gay but my mother, my nephew, a lot of people i work with are

    hope you get some help with this issue

    the only tip i can think of is don't try to come out to your parents on a sunday - that would probably make it more difficult
  4. ASolitaryBlue

    ASolitaryBlue Well-Known Member


    to be more specific they "hate the action not the person." so apparently its ok to be gay you just cant act on your feelings. which isnt fair bc it keeps you alone. its ok to date and be with someone if youre a guy and a girl but a girl and a girl isnt?

    i know i can never really be me around them if i want to keep any sort of relationship going and esp not now since im living with them. im planning on going to grad school when i graduate, looking at like alaska and montana basically anything far away from home that has what i want so i can finally get away and be me
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I hope someday your parents can accept you your sexuality because no matter what you are their daughter
  6. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    i'll write more later when my head isn't so clogged up (literally, i have a cold) but yes, i had a very tough time coming out. southern baptist parents. i didn't come out to my mom until i was 37. came out to my sister 10 years before that. spent 4-5 years in "repairative therapy" trying to change who i was. i certainly don't recommend that....it has left me scarred for life. even though i'm totally out to everyone (except some extended relatives, at my mother's request) i still struggle with who i am.

    feel free to pm me anytime if you want to know more.
  7. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    Hmmm i just came out to my parents recently (last year at 34yo) and i would consider it the last step in my coming out process. Coming out is a very personal choice and can have good and bad out comes but I've been lucky as I have mostly positive reactions. I know for me there was a point in my life when I said to myself with conviction that I was never going to tell anyone that im gay, well that all changed as time went on. I know what its like to struggle with hiding your true self out of fear of rejection. I know how hard it is to carry that burden alone. I also know that every time I told someone I felt relief like a weight had been lifted off of me. I stopped being paranoid and worried about who knew I was gay and started to become comfortable with just being myself. So yeah I had problems coming out but looking back at it now I also had problems staying in the closet. I caused my self undo worry and stress, all for not, as every one important in my life accepted me for who I am, even tho that was my greatest fear that I would be rejected if they knew the truth about me. All I can stay is that living my life the way I am now is way better than staying in the closet.
  8. DrowningNotWaving

    DrowningNotWaving New Member

    A nice site to visit is Empty Closets. Since I found the site about a month ago, I've been there quite a few times. The forum has a lot of stories and advice from people who are closeted or who have come out.
  9. Darc

    Darc Well-Known Member

    Well, not sure I can give any helpful advice, but I sort of think if your parents are really certain they don't want to know about your sexual orientation, it's - as of now - not exactly necessary to come out to them....maybe you figured that yourself...I mean, I'm sure that, if it comes down to it, your parents could accept who you are, despite their current conviction...you're their daughter after all...but maybe only after they've seen 'proof'...just telling them would - from their view - put them in a conflict of interests now...but, and I know I can't say for sure 'cause I don't know your parents, I think that if you had a girl you were really happy with, they would be able to see that and acknowledge your choice...after all, in the end the most important thing is that their kid's happy, right? If that doesn't apply to them at all, the best thing would probably be to move elsewhere when you graduated, as you're planning.
  10. nimbus

    nimbus Well-Known Member

    there's a podcast that i listen to often by a guy named dan savage. he's a sex advice columnist and is usually pretty good with his advice. there are a couple of things that he says about coming out.

    first, he says if your parents are still in a position to make your life hell by coming out, don't. if they are going to kick you out, if they can withhold funding for school, or if they may cause you physical harm.

    second, he says if you do come out to them there are things a mother doesn't need to know. you don't have to tell them gory details about your life. you also have the right to set the terms of their access to your life. if they don't accept you, you have the right to cut them off.

    parents are very weird in their reactions sometimes. they might believe that they would rather not know than to face their own homophobia. but when faced with losing their daughter over it they might see things differently. if not, my best advice is wait until you are on your own and then live the kind of life you would be proud in leading.

    i spent far too many years being afraid of who i was. being afraid of what people might think. once i got over that fear i discovered that 99.9% of the people i know don't really care about who i sleep with. they just care about me as a person. yes, there have been a small number of people that have been judgmental, but they have been in the minority. most of my close friends when faced with me coming out responded with "it's about time".

    learn to love yourself for who you are. if you believe in god and struggle with being a lesbian i would suggest looking into a group called "dignity". http://www.dignityusa.org/content/what-dignity
    i don't have experience with them personally but i know that they are a pro-gay catholic organization.

    personally i turned away from religion. too much baggage and too much hurt for me to deal with. sometimes i miss it but more often than not it just makes me so angry to think about how i was treated and how my lgbt brothers and sisters have been treated in the name of god.

    i'm here to listen if you need anything.
  11. ballinluig

    ballinluig Well-Known Member

    my husband and I have 3 sons. They ar all teenagers, but as of yet no 'courting' has happened- they love their fishing too much or one of them is in The Black Watch Cadets. BUT my husband has always said if any of them ever brings a boyfriend home thats it ,there out, no more Dad or family!

    I just dont get it. No matter what your children do its unconditional love. As long as your children are healthy and happy they could go out with a bloody salmon if that makes them happy . I only want whats best for them.

    I am religious and am into different faiths, but that doesnt control me to say if our sons say there gay, I wouldnt want to know them any more. would think just another lad in the family. Im proud of them no matter who they want to live with. I know my husband would find it hard but sorry I just think its sad.

    So from a mothers point of veiw I would be proud of you and having the guts to say IM GAY. You dont have to go into bedroom details or sit in front of your parents kissing etc, but just for you to say to them your gay should be down to them to come to terms with. Life is hard enough with out you having to hide your real self inside of you. I feel so sorry and upset that you cant tell them. Life is too short to be lonely and unhappy, we all deserve some one to love. Take care donnaxx
  12. supermodel

    supermodel Well-Known Member

    FInding out that I liked girls is what caused me to want to kill myself at 10 years old. I was researching methods. I was brought up in a very religious home.

    WHen I got older, and the feelings didn't go away, I started to do more research on the Bible and how things came about.

    When I learned about how Christianity TRULY came about, I came out the closet that day.

    SOme of my family already knew but they really didn't have a choice but accept it. I was pretty lucky because they didn't ostracize me for it.
  13. everythought

    everythought Member

    I was fortunate to have my coming out accepted by mother and friends, I have straight friends who dont know and will never know, but I was happy to feel accepted for my orientation by my closest friends. The only person in my family who knows im gay is my mom, but my sister and dad have no clue they always ask if I have a girlfriend and I just lie about it and say I use too.