"coming out"

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by bunny, Oct 5, 2005.

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  1. bunny

    bunny Staff Alumni

    i know telling ppl about u self harming can be very daunting, you never know what reaction ur going to get, i found these helpful guidelines at www.lifesigns.org.uk

    Some Guides for Coming Out

    1. Plan who you are going to tell, don’t make it a general coming out
    session until you are confident.

    2. Tell them when you both have time to sit down, talk and think. This is
    not a thing to rush.

    3. Allow them time to respond, or to think; you don’t have to keep talking
    the whole time.

    4. Allow them to ask any question, even if it sounds silly to you.

    5. Accept that this news may upset them today; don’t allow yourself to get
    disappointed this first time.

    6. Make sure that they understand that you’ve put a lot of faith in them by
    telling them; ask that they do not speak of this to anyone else.

    7. Let them know that you are getting help / considering getting help.

    8. Let them know that Self Injury is a recognised syndrome, and that you
    understand that it is linked to your Self Esteem / Mental Health.

    9. Explain that you are not asking for them to ‘stop you’, but that you trust
    that they will support you emotionally.

    10. Explain that this is not their fault or responsibility.

    11. Don’t show your scars at this stage, it won’t add value to the

    12. Try to keep the conversation ‘informative’ and not ‘manipulative’. You
    are informing them of something important, that is all.

    13. Don’t talk all night! Keep the first conversation short; you both need
    time to think.

    14. Don’t tell them details of how and where you ‘do it’. You’re discussing
    your feelings today, that is all.

    15. Don’t ever tell anyone when angry at them.

    16. Don’t tell them when you’re upset.

    17. Don’t tell a group, always speak to individuals.

    These are only general guidelines, every individual case and situation is different.

    i hope some of u can find this helpful, remember , u dont have to tell ppl about self harming, uve always got us for support when u need it, but it can be nice to have some "real world" support too :hug: s for all

    2 people like this.
  2. BlackPegasus

    BlackPegasus Well-Known Member

    Thank you Bunny. That is very useful. :)

  3. thanx! i wish id known all that when i told my friends...mayb they'd still be my friends... :)

    but yea i spotted a lot of mistakes i wont make again!

    thanx!!!! :)
  4. This is exactly how you should tell someone about it. I did'nt do this. I had a friend follow me so we could talk alone away from the crowd. I was nervous and afraid she might leave me. Think i'm crazy, or stupid. I could'nt get teh words out so i showed her the cuts from a previous night. At the time I think I was 5 months in. She looked at me weird then shook her head the hardest question to answer in my opinion "why". I tould her I would explain at another timeadn when I did she did'nt reject or blame me. I was lucky I'm sorry for those who lost friends to this. I don't know if I would still be living if she had rejected me. Anyone who wants to tell a friend use this method!!
  5. i guess i fail yet again

    my parents found out cause my ex but be in NHS (NOrristown State Hospital) and they told them

    my fiance found out cause i got blood on one of his towels and he "caught" me cutting in his bathroom

    chalk up another failure
  6. altek001

    altek001 Well-Known Member

    thank you very much for this post...

    ...i think i'm finally going to go public here with my cutting...to some people..

    and...this will help a lot.

    thank you again,
    - Henry
  7. romance5

    romance5 Member

    hey thanx bunny. i think that was very helpful :smile:
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    Should I ever decide to tell, it will be nice to have a few guidelines to follow. Thank you.
  9. Just_Me

    Just_Me Member

    in my world people get judged too much about being gay. If i were i would kill myself because my family and friends would desert me. i don't find anything wrong with it though
  10. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    Those are great ideas..If I ever decide to tell anyone else, I won't make the same mistakes I made previously.
  11. This guide line has help alot of my friends out. Or even having a friend with you while you explain or they help explain helps any akward situation. But just depends on the situation I guess.
  12. iracund

    iracund Antiquities Friend

    thanks for the advice. i can't imagine telling anyone, but if i ever do, i will keep these guidelines in mind. logical and sensible.

    still waaaay too scary for me to actually try to do!!!!
  13. *domino*

    *domino* Guest

    all i have is my bf, if i tell him ill have no1 as imsure hed want rid, so best for me i dont i dont like the codl streets much
  14. magz74

    magz74 Well-Known Member

    thanx bunny for these helpful hints. i am 33 and av been self harming for 19 years..no one nos..i think its time i talked but i am scared.i think no one will undastand me.things av got worse ova the last few years and i av been using otha methods aswell as cutting.i av three children and id be so ashamed if they found out wot i do..
  15. wow that was really helpful....I'll keep this one in mind for sure
  16. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    thanks for posting this
  17. Deep Thought

    Deep Thought Well-Known Member

    I've only told 1 person bout my self harm, and now i seem 2 avoid him. I think its coz i ashamed of wot i did (do) and i wen i do talk 2 him i always keep the convo's short (so not 2 bring it up).
    Anyway, i think the big problem, apart from da initial comin out, is with the person u tell. how do they deal with something like this, especially if its completely alien 2 them. do we ask 2 much wen we confide in a friend rather than a professional?
    but i know tht talkin 2 counsellors dont work 4 me, i've been 2 a couple sessions with uni counsellors but end up tlkin bout something unrelated.
  18. jlc20m

    jlc20m Well-Known Member


    The suggestions are wonderful. Thank you for posting them. I just want to say that I self injure when I get into crisis. I cut and burn. The thing is, I have so much shame around this that I don't tell anyone except my therapist and close family members (where I can't keep the secret). I have a hard time even going to the ER for stitches because of the shame. I can't handle seeing disgust and shock on peoples' faces. That makes it even worse:sad:!!

  19. alice_in_wonderland

    alice_in_wonderland New Member

    hey i think its really important people who care know about it, having been outted after one so called friend and neighbour id called for help from after drunkenly taking it to far .behind my back told just about everyone i know bar my parents (thankfully). after that i was the local joke even had people doing what they called the 'slashy dance' piss take done to me in the street and down the pub
    Even though im ashamed of the scars an stuff i found that a couple of my friends an family have been really good about it and even tho i cant say id stop to them theyve offered thier help if i need them and at least now i can say i know whos bad for me and doesnt care and i know who does care about me and i know who i can trust and relly on in time of need, and now one of my parents know ..my dad who suffers from mental illness.i was so scared telling him but he was really understanding and urged me to get a doctors help with all of it and that im not the only one and im not alone, and he is the reason im pushing for help and going to be assesed by the local mental health team and hopefully one step towards being able to be happy and able to wear strappy tops again :smile: ....
    so if youve got this problem sometimes its best let someone know....

    sometimes help comes from the most unexpected places xxx
  20. KirstyMissJimBob

    KirstyMissJimBob Well-Known Member

    Iv ben cutting for 7 yrs. Iv told a few friends, one said if i ever did it again she would perosnally hurt me. My other mate said please dont dont do it again.
    My bf knows and wants me to talk about it. My lifetime friend knows and checks my arms and shakes her head but she is there for me and loves me scars or no scars. My counsellor knows and asks me to promise her i will make it to out next session.

    My parents do not know
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