Coming out...

Discussion in 'Family, Friends and Relationships' started by cult logic, Jul 8, 2009.

  1. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    So I know who I am and I'm learning to accept it.

    The next step is coming out to my mom...

    I already tried the straight up tell her approach but all I ended up doing was asking her if she would still love me if I was gay.

    Does anybody have any advice on how to make doing this as easy as possible?

    My first attempt was incredibly uncomfortable.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I wish I had some advice, but I jus twanted to say good luck!!
  3. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    What did she say, when you asked her that question?
  4. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    I am having similiar issues actually. I'm trying to figure out if I even want to tell my family. I guess what I would do is just come right out and say it.
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    What was her response?
  6. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Well naturally she said she wouldn't care.

    I think she might be a little upset, though. Not angry about it but that's just sorta a bombshell for a parent especially since I don't fit at all what she sees a gay man to be.
  7. Godsdrummer

    Godsdrummer Guest

    You have a great Mom there.

    She will love you no matter what.

    You are as you were made.

    I would just be honest with your Mom about this. Can't go wrong with honesty. She will always love you.
  8. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Yeah, but the problem is I don't know how to do that.

    Just telling her was extremely difficult and I didn't manage to do it the first time.

    There's got to be an easier way than just straight up saying, "hey mom, I'm gay!"
  9. Account Closed

    well, look at the good side, your mom said she wont mind...
    in my case, if ill say something like that, i will be kicked out of the house
    and then stubbed by former freinds
  10. Poirot

    Poirot Guest

    if your mum has a good sense of humour

    mum i got some good news and some bad news. the bad news is "im gay" then good news is "this mean ill never love a woman more than you".
  11. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni


  12. Aurora Gory Alice

    Aurora Gory Alice Well-Known Member

    Sometimes the thing that scares me most is the look on a persons face. I can't handle that along with their reaction. Have you thought about maybe writing her a letter? Sometimes the way we express ourselves on paper is always seemingly more heartfelt and it doesn't give anybody a chance to stop and interrupt or anything because they just have to sit and read until the end, they have a chance to react in their own way (while you have a chance to say everything you want to) and then they can come to you, maybe in their own time, once they've had a chance to deal.

    I think your Mum is going to be fine with it, sounds as though she loves you very much.
    I know you've been struggling with this for a while so I just wanted to say good luck, take a deep breath and trust me it'll probably all turn out easier than you could've ever imagined.
    Remember to explain to her how difficult this has been for you, once she puts herself in your shoes she will see how strong you have been.
  13. 1izombie

    1izombie Well-Known Member

    idk if this will help but i think ur mom already knows or at the very least has a very good idea cause u asked that question....also what helped me when i came out to my parents was that i wrote it all down I wrote out exactly what i wanted to say and then I rehearsed it a 100 times and could say it by heart...when i went to say it to them i still had to grab my letter and read from it..I was soo glad i wrote it down cause I dont think i wold have been able to say it other wise..give it a try and write it down and see if it works...maybe reading something to ur mom would be easier,,,good luck and i hope this helped....

    Oh I jusr realized that desperateanddepressed said basically the same thing so...umm I agree with what desperateanddepressed said :biggrin:
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 9, 2009
  14. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    Hiya Brandon!

    First, I am glad you are feeling much more comfortable with it yourself! That' the most important, being able to accept yourself, more than anyone else!! We want our parents and family and friends to accept us... but they can't until we accept ourselves!! So I am glad you are getting more comfortable!!

    As for Mom... many good suggestions so far. Writing down your thoughts is a good idea, and also maybe even writing her a letter. If you really want to do it in person... the most important thing so that you know she will listen and pay attention is to have a REAL talk. Make sure that she stops whatever she is doing. If she is watching TV, cooking, reading, whatever... ask her to stop so the two of you can have a talk.
    Since you already asked her the question you did, say something like 'Mom, remember when I asked you if you would still love me if I turned out to be gay? There was a reason I asked. I have been struggling with this myself, and how to say something to you... I tried to deny this to myself, and I would prefer it not to be true, but the fact is, I AM gay." Something along those lines... you're not just blurting it out, but you are being straightforward! She WILL still love you!! She MIGHT feel a bit sad, but the reasons for that would be she doesn't want you to be HURT... she won't want the bigotry and hatred to harm you... she will want you to be HAPPY no matter what! She won't care THAT you're gay... just that you might not be accepted by others and doesn't want you to be hurt. That was the big thing my mom went through... she was so afraid that I would be unhappy or treated badly... but she still loved me unconditionally and wanted me to be happy!
    The most important thing when telling her is to sit down and TALK... don't be doing other things, either of you. I know it's hard to talk about, you're afraid of rejection, so you're body and mind is scared to SAY the words... but take a deep breath, try to stay calm, and you WILL be okay! And she will be okay!!
    As always, I am here for you if you need to talk!! If anything comes up and you have more questions, I'm always happy to help if I can!! Talk to you soon! :hug:
    And that applies to others as well, especially those struggling with coming out... I don't have all the answers, but I did come out many times to different people, and am happy to talk to anyone who needs to talk!!
  15. The Scream

    The Scream Well-Known Member

    i don't think there's a need to tell her you're gay...
    we never tell our parents we're straight... so why tell them when you're gay?

    i think it's much easier when you have a same sex partner and come out rather than just come out...
    than you can introduce him to your mom and it will be much clear how she thinks about it that way... and if she gets angry, well, than at least you have someone to cheer you up...

    idk, that's the way im dealing with it as for now though and it works for me =)

    good luck...
  16. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    I agree with that to a point... however, some parents would feel embarrassed or upset because you are telling this to them in FRONT of someone THEY don't know, to them a stranger... even though YOU might be with the person, to the parents, it's a stranger... most parents I know would want to hear about this from you in private. But maybe not... just my opinion... certainly not claiming I have all the right answers!
    Good luck Brandon, no matter what you decide to do!! Always there for you on MSN to talk anytime!! :hug:
  17. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    Screw it. I'm not going to say anything.


    I'm just gonna stick with girls. Easier.
  18. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    Actually, it is NOT easier, not if you are in fact attracted to men... many men LIE to themselves, and make themselves stay with women, and they are miserable!! So don't do it to be 'easier'... because you would be fooling yourself! It might be the 'less trouble' way as far as being treated bad by homophobes... but trust me, it's NOT easy to LIE and pretend! Not at all!
    But like I have said before, you don't have to make up your mind instantly... you are SO YOUNG... take some time, meet people, and like who you WANT to like, whether they are male or female! Just let it happen naturally!
  19. cult logic

    cult logic Staff Alumni

    It really doesn't matter.

    I'm living on borrowed time anyway.
  20. BriGuy

    BriGuy Antiquities Friend

    I wish I knew how to make you change that thinking... to make you realize just how awesome you really are!!! :rockon:

    I'm thinking of you, as I know MANY others are as well, and hope you find a way to fight through this again!! You have SO much love inside of you to give still, and SO many good years ahead of you... I hope you can somehow find that within yourself! I am here for you my friend!! Even tho I am not on SF much, you know how to reach me! :hug: