Coming to term with reality

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by andytheone, Oct 7, 2006.

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  1. andytheone

    andytheone Member

    Is there any point to this I have always thought there was something that we where put hear to do that we are all hear for a reason but this year 2006 was the year that changed everything for me I now see the true world and it is not how it should be

    I was suicidal and tried to kill myself on june 16th but failed but I did have fear about what would happen when I died as most people and I have now come to the conclusion there is nothing so what is the point in going on every day in pain which I am so good at hiding nobody ever knew

    I did meet someone this year out of the blue who gave me hope of the future but that was only hope in my own mind of something that would never happen, after being abandoned by my mother at age 11 and then going to live with my father who substituted love for food and destroyed me so one parent destroyed me mentally making me not trust anyone and the other destroyed my body and soul

    I now feel nothing but numbness, I know I will go through life alone with nobody ever to love no one to share my life with which I now see as the only point in living without that there is no point

    So that’s me over and out all those wasted years of going to university going to college avoiding the bad crowd and nothing the good guys do indeed finish last

    So I am waiting now for that day when I snap its coming I feel it growing inside me and I will end this soon, i am going to prepare thoroughly this time there will be no error

    Going through this has made me think about god and I now think this world is more like the matrix than anything else
    Could we all be part of something made up because I have days when this does not feel real, I spent time the other day sitting and watching people driving on a busy road set in their own goal trying to get to where they where going as fast as they can like ants one after another

    I have also watched my own actions pre programmed in everything I do, without thinking about it I sometimes think after I have performed a action why did I do that, enough of my beliefs there is only one way to find out if there is something else

    There is defiantly something wrong with the world and I want no part in it any more

    This is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. but it is, perhaps, the end of the beginning
     
  2. MariaM

    MariaM Guest

    Once in my life i would like to hear that life is beautiful... all you have is here and now.

    I believe in the Universe. I believe in Energy or God or whatever you want to call it. Not in the religious way we are learnt to believe, although. But in my own way.
    I remember looking outside my bedroom window when i was a child, 6 or 8 years old, i had so many doubts. I would stare at the stars for hours... thinking about the Universe, trying to find answers about life, religion. I wanted to understand.
    But I never understood anything.
    What did i do? Stopped to ask questions and i accepted what people told me as a fact.
    I´m a passive person.

    One day i was told that i allow people to forget me. She was right. And i do feel invisible... but i know it´s my fault. I always knew that.

    I´m sorry if i can´t help you. You see ... i´m so powerless.
    Even so... don´t give up!

    take care,
    maria
     
  3. claycad

    claycad Well-Known Member

    I was taught the Bible myself, Adam and Eve and all that other bullshit. Now I guess I mostly believe in evolution. I often wonder about the meaning of life, and pretty much came to my own personal conclusion that there is no meaning. We live, then die, then nothing after that, we are just forgotten. I think the afterlife is just something humans created so that we can feel self-important and have a meaning to want to live. To me, humans are no different than ants, just more intelligent. I've always wondered what it would be like to believe in eternal life after death, or to believe that maybe our life on this earth is just a test of faith and the more we bear on this earth, the better our eternal lives will be, but it's all bullshit to me. I suppose I stick around in this world because I know there are people that would be hurt by my death, and I wouldn't want to hurt anyone, and in hope that maybe I will find something in life worth living, but I doubt it, I feel very close to the end myself. I feel like I am on the verge of something. I can't figure out what though. It's either on the verge of suicide, or the verge of find the meaning of life and wanting to live. Who knows?

    I hate grammar Nazis, so at the risk of sounding like one, I have to ask. What's the deal with no periods? You don't make one spelling mistake, but then put only two periods in the entire message you wrote, and not nearly enough commas. I'm not saying the punctuation has to be perfect by any means, but a period now and then would have been nice.
     
  4. same here, but it turns out that its perfectly fine to live life alone [its just an illusion to think that 1 single person will forever make you happy] the greatest thing you can do in life is develop compassion. think about this: all suffering comes from cherishing yourself, all happiness comes from cherishing others.
     
  5. andytheone

    andytheone Member

    I can tell you for a fact that this world has veered wildly from where it is supposed to be going, I put this to you if you wanted to control people and their actions with out actually having to enforce it what would you do, the easiest was to do this is through the concept of money.

    I give you your so called freedom to do what ever you want or so you belive but I make sure you pay for it, I give you a credit card you can go buy whatever you want but then I own you, We are forced to goto work to pay bills to buy things and then repeat the cycle, for what why is this the way who says this is how it is supposed to be.

    From fight club (Not my sort of film but good quote)

    "You are not your bank account. You are not the clothes you wear. You are not the contents of your wallet. You are not the car you drive. You are not your fucking khakis..

    The weird thing is I am no longer afraid I am not depressed in the slightest it is like I have woken up and I look around and see reality for what it is and I know it is wrong.

    Kcn all round and lets see what true reality is nothing or something.
     
  6. joce

    joce Active Member

    You sound as if you've made your mind up. I hope you don't go through with it. Am sure there's nothing after this life so why go to the grave now. Why not skid into the grave sideways and say "well that was a good ride". Try and do something you enjoy with your life, even if you get burnt out doing it, it's better to give it a crack, you've got nothing to lose. I heard the neighbours talking about me outside my window today, saying "oh it's such a shame, she never goes out etc etc". Other people make our life hell by always having to pass judgement. Anyway, try and give it a bit longer. Life is so shitty at times though.
     
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