coming to the conclusion that i'm really going to be alone...forever :(

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by daisylea, Sep 3, 2012.

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  1. daisylea

    daisylea Member

    i honestly and truthfully hate myself. every terrible situation i'm in as of now, is my fault. sorry this is going to be so long, drawn out, and boring but i have no one to talk to. i refuse to let my friends in on this, the few that i do have because the judgement would be ridiculous.
    i met a guy when i was 15, we clicked instantly he was my first REAL boyfriend. he wasnt necessairily the first guy i fell in love with, i was in love before that with someone who was 5 years older than me and in the end just quit talking to me completely out of nowhere. but he was honestly i believe the first person to ever love me back. i was in a relationship with him for about 3 years, and the end of the relationship was horrible. he treated me like a princess, catered to my every need, my family and friends loved him and supported our relationship to the fullest. so many people told us we had the perfect relationship. i guess he was my high school sweetheart, although he graduated a year before me. he didnt deserve a damn thing i did to him. after he graduated high school, that summer i cheated on him, with the worst guy possible. the guy i cheated on my boyfriend with had a girlfriend as well, in which he treated like crap. he was also a partier, living above the law and such and i liked it. he was a bad boy, my boyfriend was a saint, i guess i was subconsciously looking for something different. me and this bad boy continued our little affair, and while i was fooling around with him i cheated on my boyfriend again with another person, at a party that we originally went to together but he left because we ended up fighting because i was too drunk. he knew something happened that night, but he was in complete denial. he tried to overlook it and better our relationship but i kept asking for space, treating him like garbage, and running back to fool around with the "bad boy" i had met that summer. in addition to the bad boy, i was also seeing the guy i hooked up with at the party behind his back. not sex though, he took me out to eat and what not a couple times. still completely horrible. eventually he broke up with me completely (which i deserved) and i was actually happy. i was happy my loving, wonderful amazing boyfriend of 3 years broke up with me so that i can be a disgusting slut. what the actual fuck was i thinking. i ended up falling in love with mr. bad boy, who to this day continues to toy with my heart. he wants me sometimes, then he doesnt want me, then he doesnt approve of me doing this then he doesnt care about me etc. i almost love him as much if not more then i loved my boyfriend.
    mr. bad boy is now in a relationship, or trying to pursue one at least with someone else. and this completely breaks my heart. i know i deserve it, i'm completely aware. and i know all of this is my fault. i'm attempting to move on, but its so hard when i can't find anyone that seems like my ex. i've dated a few different guys this summer, not slept with but dated. 2 of which had girlfriends, and the others just didnt work out, we were incompatible or i didnt want to give it a chance because i was afraid of being hurt. i don't know what's wrong with me. i deserve to be alone for what i did to my ex, i know i do. and hes happy and in a new relationship so there's no rekindling that. he still chats me up from time to time, to see how i am. and it just hurts my soul that i treated him like that. i'm happy that he's moved on, i know he's deserved better. i refuse to interfere in his new relationship because even though i'd love a second chance, him and the girl are really happy.
    i want to find someone for me. is this possible at all because of the things ive done? although i deserve to be treated horribly and cheated on is it possible to find someone who will still love me for me? although i've changed? i just feel like i'm going to be so alone. i know it's not normal to meet "the one" at 15, which was how old i was when i met my ex, but he was the only person that ever treated me like that. but of course stupid me fucked that up. all my friends are happy, in taken or on their way to be taken relationships and i just keep meeting the same people all over again. liars and guys with negative intentions. my heart is broken, i feel as if i'm truly meant to be alone for all of the things i've done :(
  2. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    no one can punish us as much as we can - we are our own harshest judges

    life will never be mistake-free no matter how much we wish it otherwise - the hardest and sometime most painful part is learning why we make those mistakes and finding a way to not repeat them

    first off, try not to get drunk - good decisions never come around when you're in that condition - can back that up with a whole lot of personal family experience

    try and decide who you want to be and live up to it - do you really want to be someone who gets into relationships where someone already has a girlfriend? that will only lead to grief all around

    sounds like your bad-boy boyfriend just find you to be convenient and only wants you on his timetable, his terms - you need to find someone who accepts you as someone who they want to be a part of their life - won't happen right away, can't happen as long as you're still involved with your current boyfriend

    you deserve better - everyone does - but it can be really hard to stop punishing ourselves - hell I still do but for different reasons

    i hope that you consider leaving the dating scene for a while to get your feelings and your life sorted out - if you can do that and give yourself a solid base to work from, i think things can change
  3. synchrohobbit

    synchrohobbit Active Member

    I know this is super cliche, but you are still very young. I felt like I would never find someone when I was your age, but now with hindsight I realize I probably didn't know what I was doing or looking for. I know you are heartbroken from your boyfriend, and you will never find someone like him (because all people are unique), and you will have to get past that before you can really date. It sounds like you fall in love quickly, which can be good but also leaves you a little more hurt.
  4. daisylea

    daisylea Member

    thank you guys for replying!
    i would just like to point out for a second, that the guy i referred to as the bad boy is not my boyfriend and never was. i am heartbroken over the situation with him though, being that i really did fall in love with him and developed deep feelings for him despite our situation and in return he treats me as his rebound, his last resort. i really try to keep telling myself to move on and i should do better but i just want closure. i'll never be able to fully move on with unanswered questions. but at the same time whenever i try to genuinely seek closure from him he just reminds me why i want him so bad. god, i dont know :( i just want to fast forawrd 10 years and be over this. im accepting that this is my karma but when will it end?

    and synchrohobbit i hope you're right and when i'm older i realize this is a phase. i don't think i fall in love quickly but i definitely trust way too quickly. i'm quick to think i'm the only one and we'll have some kind of future and etc. i want to move on so bad i really do, how do i move on without closure? how do i move on with unanswered questions? i just want to know why he hurt me the way he did. did he ever love me? what was real, what was not real. that's all i want. but he will never give me that satisfaction, the second he can feel me not wanting anything to do with him he's just so sweet and suckers me back in. and even if he didnt, he would still not answer my questions because he knows that's the real hurdle keeping me from moving on..
  5. synchrohobbit

    synchrohobbit Active Member

    Wow, this guy is even more of a manipulative ass than I thought. You have very good insight to realize he is using your anxiety about finding answers to keep you on the hook. Is it possible for you to assume that he really was never in this relationship 100%, and probably not borne out of love? I think this has nothing to do with you; this guy is too immature to love anyone but himself. And I don't mean to say this is a phase you are going through, I just mean that both you AND the guys you would date will be more mature in a few years.
  6. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    sorry if i misinterpreted what you wrote

    i agree with synch's opinions about this guy and your insight

    i think you can't expect this guy to give you closure - doesn't look like it's in his best interests as long as it keeps you coming back -

    if you really want closure, you will need to take it
  7. daisylea

    daisylea Member

    you guys are 100% right. ive told him time and t ime again he's selfish, and heartless. but he just tunes it out. he really by far the most selfish person i've ever met. how i could fall for someone like him is truly beyond me but hell, the damage is done. synchrohobbit i'm not understanding what you mean by he wasnt in it 100% and it probably wasnt bourne out of love, can you explain please? im guessing you mean that he was never giving 100% into keeping us a "thing". which is true, but then again we never were a "thing" being that we were never exclusive. i'm just confused on that whole sentance haha so if you could elaborate a little. all i knew is he confessed one night about how he was growing feelings and about 2 weeks later i felt the same. isnt that odd? HE was the first one to catch any feelings. i didn't really look at him as a potential love interest until he told me how he "really felt" one night. just so confusing!

    anyhow as for me taking closure, how do i go about this? i've cut off all contact with him, deleted/blocked him on facebook and twitter. threw out all of his things that i had, like his hoodies and such. deleted all of the pictures of us on my phone, deleted all of his texts. everything. i'm serious about moving on this time. and in all honesty without all of the constant reminders, such as seeing him on my news feed or twitter timeline, or seeing his sweatpants or whatever when i clean my room is refreshing. ive thought about him less and less. im still thinking about him though, dont get me wrong, but he doesnt occupy my mind 24/7 100%. its more like 75% lol. however i still wonder. when im up at night before i go to sleep, and the random thoughts wander thru my head, THOSE are always the random thoughts. and they make me sad. they make me really really sad. i feel like the last thing i need to do is get my unanswered questions, answered. or will i have to find a way to move on without this?
  8. Wastingecho

    Wastingecho Well-Known Member

    sounds like you've already made great strides - the rest of it will come with time

    wish it was possible to just flip a switch to move on but that's just not realistic - but eventually he should retreat to that part of your mind that still remembers songs you learned when you were 2 but can't remember
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