By posting this I kind of hate myself a little more because I feel like I just want attention or something selfish like that. I've always been a "depressed person" but managed to fight it off by keeping busy or making goals that I could look forward to. Lately I feel I'm failing on both counts. If anyone followed some of my issues from a month or so back, (don't blame anyone if they don't remember or care) I made it my goal to spend as much time as I could with a girl that I really care about. It was a bad idea from the start, as she made it somewhat clear that we were only friends "lite"; I just couldn't take a hint I guess. She told me again that she wasn't interested, and it was just kind of an uncomfortable situation for both of us. We barely communicate now, (more of her choice than mine) but I still care about her deeply. At this point, I've generally accepted that she doesn't want to see me anymore, so that kind of destroyed whatever hope I had. It still eats at me that I wasn't good or interesting enough, I guess. That left me with no goal at the start of this year. I've begun to lose interest in things that previously made me happy, like my friends and family, and I don't really look forward to traveling, movies, concerts and other hobbies that used to be important to me. I've done my best to tell myself that this is just a wrong state of mind, and that I can beat it like I have before, but it continues to get more intense as I live. Things that I would have never neglected, like my job, are becoming difficult for me to put effort into. Now I'm afraid that if I keep it up, I won't have a job in a few months. But I can't seem to make myself care anymore. I was able to keep myself somewhat busy to counteract my lack of goals and hope for the future, but now I can't seem to find anything that will sustain it for more than a day. I want and don't want medical help for it. It's like there are two different persons fighting for control. I wake up the sad, guilty one that just wants to end it all, and fight to let the positive, helpful one gain control. The sad one wins out by the end of the day most of the time, and it's just a cycle. Most days are seeing a complete absense of the positive me now. Today for the first time I didn't care about what my death would do to others. That's the only thing that kept me from ending it. If I was in a position to do it, I'm sure I would have gone through with it. I hate being dramatic and selfish, which I know is exactly what I am being now. It's like a downward spiral... I hate myself for being this way, so I become more extreme each time I get to this point. I know that others need a lot more help than me, so it makes me feel guilty.