Coming unglued again

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by orangejulius, Jan 29, 2010.

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  1. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    By posting this I kind of hate myself a little more because I feel like I just want attention or something selfish like that.

    I've always been a "depressed person" but managed to fight it off by keeping busy or making goals that I could look forward to. Lately I feel I'm failing on both counts.

    If anyone followed some of my issues from a month or so back, (don't blame anyone if they don't remember or care) I made it my goal to spend as much time as I could with a girl that I really care about. It was a bad idea from the start, as she made it somewhat clear that we were only friends "lite"; I just couldn't take a hint I guess. She told me again that she wasn't interested, and it was just kind of an uncomfortable situation for both of us. We barely communicate now, (more of her choice than mine) but I still care about her deeply. At this point, I've generally accepted that she doesn't want to see me anymore, so that kind of destroyed whatever hope I had. It still eats at me that I wasn't good or interesting enough, I guess.

    That left me with no goal at the start of this year. I've begun to lose interest in things that previously made me happy, like my friends and family, and I don't really look forward to traveling, movies, concerts and other hobbies that used to be important to me.

    I've done my best to tell myself that this is just a wrong state of mind, and that I can beat it like I have before, but it continues to get more intense as I live. Things that I would have never neglected, like my job, are becoming difficult for me to put effort into. Now I'm afraid that if I keep it up, I won't have a job in a few months. But I can't seem to make myself care anymore.

    I was able to keep myself somewhat busy to counteract my lack of goals and hope for the future, but now I can't seem to find anything that will sustain it for more than a day.

    I want and don't want medical help for it. It's like there are two different persons fighting for control. I wake up the sad, guilty one that just wants to end it all, and fight to let the positive, helpful one gain control. The sad one wins out by the end of the day most of the time, and it's just a cycle. Most days are seeing a complete absense of the positive me now.

    Today for the first time I didn't care about what my death would do to others. That's the only thing that kept me from ending it. If I was in a position to do it, I'm sure I would have gone through with it.

    I hate being dramatic and selfish, which I know is exactly what I am being now. It's like a downward spiral... I hate myself for being this way, so I become more extreme each time I get to this point. I know that others need a lot more help than me, so it makes me feel guilty.
  2. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    PLEASE don't feel guilty for needing help. :hug: You're not being selfish or dramatic. You're just as important as everyone else here.

    It sucks when something pushes you down so low that you feel like you can't get back up again. I really think seeking medical help would be a good idea, because you need and deserve help in picking yourself up.

    If you ever feel like talking, you can PM me anytime.
  3. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    If you don't want to break the bank, look up the county mental health. I found huge help there - people who'd never met me were kind and helpful and non-judgemental. A counsellor or psychotherapist can give you your life back. Please do seek out their help.
  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Downward spirals hard to get control of if you don't stop them fast enough
    Your issues are just as important as anyone here I hope you can reach out to someone tohelp you get control of the situation. Phone your doctor let know what is happening okay maybe your medication can be changed a bit. Keep posting venting reaching out okay because you do deserve help as much as any of us take care
  5. Anni

    Anni Well-Known Member

    OJ be ok *hug*
    ur a great person
    uve helped me lots
    ur great to talk to
  6. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Just because one girl let you down does not mean you are not "good and interesting enough".....
    it just means she didn't think you were compatible.....
    I know it hurts when this happens but I hope you can move on and find someone who will care about you the way you want..
    don't give up......:hug:
  7. orangejulius

    orangejulius Well-Known Member

    Thank you for the support everyone... (Thanks Anni... you've helped me too, you're an awesome person)

    I wasn't really clear when I posted before. I've never seen a doctor for this. In fact, the last time I saw a doctor it was for a check up and I was about to go into High School; around 10 years ago. I'm not on any medication at all... I've just toughed it out as usual. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger; I think. I feel like if I face another bad event, like getting fired, I'll simply give up. I've had friends and relatives telling me that I need help. They've never said it outright to me before.

    I just feel like I don't deserve help because I put myself into this position. I put too much stock into pursuing this person even though it was an unrealistic goal. I guess I just wished it would all work out, that I could at least get to know her better, even if we might find that we aren't compatible. But I couldn't even accomplish that. I dream about her constantly and wake up every morning to a renewed sense of failure. If only I could control these rediculous dreams.

    I'll check the county mental health clinic. I think it might all be covered under my insurance.

    Thank you all again for the suggestions.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 1, 2010
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Heya, OJ,

    You do deserve help. Depression tries to convince us that we're so "bad," so "wrong," so "stupid," so "whatever...fill in the blank..." that we don't deserve anything that makes us feel better. What we don't deserve is to feel lousy all the time.

    I'm so glad you're looking into the local services. I hope you feel better soon. Please take care of yourself.

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