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Coming very soon: the end of my life... thank god.

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by DatAlgorithm, May 19, 2012.

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  1. DatAlgorithm

    DatAlgorithm Well-Known Member

    That's right, I WILL be ending my life very soon. It's about time to end this mistake of a "life" that frankly should've never happened. My parents weren't thinking AT ALL when they had me, but I don't blame them; they just did what 99% of the population does unlike the 1% who rule over us who use cold, hard LOGIC and common sense to rule over the rest of us. My parents were thinking short-term using their EMOTIONS to do what feels right at the time and then make self-righteous justifications for what they were going to do anyways, no matter HOW much it fucks up... and this fucking retarded societal pressure (in both the western AND most of eastern world except China) that tells you "OMG you're a LOSER of a parent if you have one kid or less!" This planet is over-populated anyways for this reason, and I am one of the many people who frankly should be wiped off of the face of the planet in order to free up some resources. I'm not good at anything, and I NEVER had anything going for me in the first place; I subconsciously knew this ever since I was a toddler. I can't do the simplest of things that ANY dull-normal pre-teen can do. That's fucking embarrassing, and a prime example as to why I should be eliminated. I'm so fucking sick of the western world's bi-polar obsession with acting like life is "fair" and "just" and "manageable" and "reasonable." Guess what!? I CALL FUCKING BULLSHIT ON THAT! Life is NOT those things... it's all about chaos, silent (non-racial) eugenics, dog-eat-dog competitions, unfairness, and good and bad luck. Fight or flight. Kill or be killed. That's how it is... don't get mad at me, NATURE made it this way, not me!

    I realize that all the bullies and jerks that picked on me back when I was a youngster had some truth to their poisonous insults that fucked me up for the rest of my life:

    I am ugly
    I am stupid
    I am annoying over 90% of the time
    I am unfunny and my sense of humor is weird and it sucks
    I smell bad most of the time
    I am too short and skinny
    I have bad taste in clothes, shoes, TV shows, music, and reading material
    I am unhireable at pretty much every job in the world
    I have the worst fucking singing voice in the world and it's both too high and too low and I sound gay when I talk
    Everything I do is a waste of time and everything I work at is all for nothing
    Women think of me as less than untreated sewage in every single aspect
    I am a 24 year old virgin and people think it's hilarious, disgusting, embarrassing, pathetic, and humiliating on my behalf

    I tell myself "FUCK YOU DAVID, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!" every single morning when I look in the mirror. These bullies (even friends of mine who happen to talk a lot of shit about me) taught me a very important lesson that my parents unfortunately never did... a friend of mine who is WAY smarter than me pointed this out on his blog, that hatred is the only true eternal emotion there is, because you can hate someone/something once and never love it. You can love them once, hate them later, and then hate them forever after that. Hate is all-encompassing, and the irony of that is that I hate it more than anything else in the world.

    Oh well, it'll be great to finally be freed from this prison called "life." I do have a couple of things I want to do before I die... such as make my own album (primarily as an epitaph) and go to Japan. Maybe lose my virginity, but if I don't, oh well. If it's time for me to die, it's time for me to die. Soon I will be ending my life at my own hands, and I will finally be free. That'll be the happiest day of my life; to finally correct a huge mistake my stupid fucking parents were too full of pride to ever apologize for or even ADMIT for fucks sake!
    Last edited by a moderator: May 19, 2012
  2. Ajean

    Ajean Well-Known Member

    This may piss you off nine ways 'til Tuesday, but being able to comprehend the mass lies and eugenics of the human population actually takes a bit of intelligence, which rules out your point of being stupid.

    Secondly, I know exactly how you feel.
    My entire life, I've felt that some people should just have been miscarried. It seems like a very dark thought but in all honesty, it makes perfect sense.
  3. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    Wow, that sounds like a lot of pain and a Lot of anger.

    Have a :hug: and I hope it helps.

    A couple of things jumped out at me from your post:

    Firstly, you talk about your parents only thinking about the short-term and "using their emotions to do what feels right at the time" but your words and your post appear to be Full of emotion and short-term thinking. The choice to end your own life is one that, once made, cannot be undone. And yet - and I do this too - it is all too easy to quickly spiral down into thinking it is the only viable option. This, I think, is exactly what you were talking about; using your emotions at the time to make a decision that has far-reaching (and possibly overlooked) repercussions.

    Secondly, you are right to identify those insults from the people who bullied you as poisonous; that is what they are, and as such you should try not to let them take root. Easier said than done, I know. But you are not helping yourself if you are really repeating such a negative mantra to yourself every morning in the mirror. I have used mantras before to tell myself Good things, and even though I've not believed them I have kept doing it and somehow, I felt better!! I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't done it for myself and off my own back. My point is, if you are already feeling badly about yourself, then this will not to anything to change how you feel; it will only increase it. If you want to change how you feel, you have to tell yourself something else.

    Thirdly, I do not believe that hate is the only true eternal emotion. I actually don't think any emotion is eternal, because my emotions change all the time. And you can hate something and never love it, but you can love something and never hate it too. And you can love something and then hate it, and then love it again; I have done this. Many people do this who marry, divorce, and then get back together again. And, I have continued to love people who have turned to hating me. Emotions are changeable, and fickle. And essential.

    Lastly, the things that you talk about wanting to do; they sound great! I hope you do them. We are the sum of our achievements. If you do die at your own hands, it is not your time to die; that is a decision you have to be very certain about making. And the reasons behind the decision are just as important to understand as that fact itself, because otherwise your just fooling yourself that it isn't nothing more than the build up of emotions that are too much to handle. Also, don't forget that in order to feel happiness, one needs to Be alive.

    Don't know whether I've helped...
    All the best.
  4. DatAlgorithm

    DatAlgorithm Well-Known Member

    I can sum up your reply with this song... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o4fWN6VvgKQ and regardless of your hippie-ranting, yes it IS logical for me to end my own life, and NOT short term or emotional. If it were, I wouldn'tve been able to justify what I said at all. If it is, thank my emotional fucking stupid parents for that one. They should've just had my older brother and stopped while they were ahead; all they did was get divorced anyways.
  5. Cariad_Bach

    Cariad_Bach Staff Alumni

    I think that's the first time I've Ever been called a hippy.
    No offence was meant: I intended no apersions on your logic, I thought you were struggling with some upsetting feelings and tried to help. Although I disagree with one thing: suicide is not short term. It lasts longer than a lifetime.
  6. DatAlgorithm

    DatAlgorithm Well-Known Member

    Sorry bout the snappy reply... to be specific, I wasn't calling YOU a hippie, I was calling your RANTING a bunch of hippie crap. But it's not a slight on you and I'm not intending to stick my nose in the air, I used to say a lot of the same things before I reached adulthood and started to learn firsthand that most people truly are evil and self-serving... really only under the DELUSION of "helping others and being selfless." btw, I never said that suicide is "short term." I KNOW it lasts for ever; ANY remedial bass-ackward mother fucker out there KNOWS it's a permanent solution. Fuck, at least it's a SOLUTION instead of simply struggling through life trying to jam myself into a box that I'll never fit into and hoping somewhere, somehow, MAYBE I'll find rest and happiness when I'm too old and fucked to do ANYTHING (aka retirement.) It's actually a REALLY GOOD solution, since I never had anything going for me anyways and nobody wants me around them, thus proving my existence a redundancy. They only "need" people like me in this respect... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yky4QtRX_DI
  7. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    anime :( I can respect your decisions.. I just wish you did not have to suffer this.. nor anyone suffer this.. the eugenics also is what pisses me off the most in this world.. the "game" we all play.. I wish the games would stop..

    I am sending my caring and hugs.. :hug:
  8. pickwithaustin

    pickwithaustin Staff Alumni

    It sounds as if your biggest critic, and the person who is the biggest bully to you... is yourself. It is important to first love and respect yourself, regardless of your choices, likes, dislikes, etc. When you say that you have "bad taste in clothes, shoes, TV shows, music, and reading material," it is not true. You don't have bad taste, you have YOUR OWN taste. You are unique and an individual. You should not like the things everybody else does. Don't be a lemming, be your own person. If you like a certain type of music, show, or book... then that is fantastic. If it exists, someone has to like it - and it can't exist simply because of you. There must surely then be others out there who like the same things that you do. You are not alone, you just have not found others who have the same likes as you. The Internet makes it easy these days to find others with similar interests. Back in my day, before we even had calculators, we were more alone (I remember black and white TV and the thrill we all had when they invented color!). Reach out and find others who have your same interests. Make friends. Realize that you are your own person and only you can make or break yourself. Making yourself is far more productive than breaking.
  9. DatAlgorithm

    DatAlgorithm Well-Known Member

    Thank you for trying to be nice to me, but you're wrong. This world does NOT reward individuality, except on super-rare one-in-a-million occasions that these braindead optimists like to use and make the norm acting like the world is some fucking global version of Woodstock 1969. The sheeple truly are evil once you get right down to it; I've witnessed and experienced it firsthand. Trying to find others with the same likes as me doesn't work either; in fact, they hate me and look down on me MORE because of it... for instance, don't fucking get me started of 99% of other Anime fans or other so-called "free-thinkers." Making friends is NOT easy either for losers like me; I don't know what kind of candyland fantasy world you live in or what kind of LSD you take... hook me up. I'll be committing suicide for sure... it's just a matter of when; I'm fucking tired of people delusionally and glad-handedly putting the weight of the world on my shoulders like the fucking planet would collapse if I weren't here. WRONG; the planet was JUST FINE before I got here and will be JUST FUCKING DANDY long after I'm gone. Fuck, I'm just one person who "lives life" and BADLY at that. I pushed fucking shopping carts around at my last job... badly as well. ANYBODY can do the shit that I do, and BETTER than me at that! Shit, people like Snoop Dogg have it right... he has no delusions behind what the fuck he does. Us... we like to act like we're so much better and so much more important than people like him who smoke huge ziplocks of weed everyday and "objectify" women who seem to want to be objectified in the first place. I used to look down upon him and rappers like him like I'm so fucking advanced and so much more moral. IF WE'RE SO GODDAMN FUCKING ADVANCED, WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE DOING ON A FUCKING SUICIDE/DEPRESSION FORUM!?

    Last edited by a moderator: May 24, 2012
  10. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    Just saying I truly understand your frustration.. I've seen what this world has to offer and in the state it is in, it has nothing for me either.. but part of the time I have a hope that it will change..

    I also understand how people seem to be so blind to these real problems anime.. I wish things were different.. I wish people would actually open their eyes.. Especially in America..
  11. TheLoneWolf

    TheLoneWolf Well-Known Member

    I second Ajean, you're definitely not stupid. I'm not going to sit here and give you tired clich├ęs and advice on how to cheer yourself up or anything like that, because it's obvious that you're not in the mood to hear any of that, and I can't blame you. I agree with most of your assessment of the world and the majority of the people in it, and it is frustrating. You do have a lot of anger, but it is justifiable anger. I too have a lot of pent up anger towards the world, though I've mostly worked through my rage and made it to a state of apathy. Yes, I've been bullied, pushed around, made fun of, ignored by women, basically made to feel generally unwanted and worthless by the vast majority of people I've ever encountered, and yes I have at many times considered that suicide might be my best, most logical option. Just so you know, there are a few other people out there who feel the same. I don't know if that's any comfort - probably not. Personally, the only reason I'm still hanging around this miserable blue sphere we call earth is in the hopes that I'll eventually find something in life that makes it all worth it. Maybe that's just foolish optimism, I don't know. Some days I think there is hope, other days I think I'm just feeding myself a load of crap and delaying the inevitable. Who knows? Either way, feel free to vent, and I'm not going to judge you. I mean hell, I don't have any room to judge anybody - after all, I'm here on a suicide forum because I nearly took my own life for the umpteenth time a few weeks back. Maybe some day I'll actually do it, I can't say for sure; every day seems to leave me feeling different, some days are worse than others. Just so you know, I can relate to how you feel and I don't blame you at all for feeling that way. Life is NOT fair, never has been and never will be. It is what it is. I do hope you can find something worthwhile in this world before you choose to depart it. Hopefully that's not too cheery or hippified for you.
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