Comments/opinions, please

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Acy, May 31, 2010.

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  1. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    My elderly father is now in a seniors’ home. He is selling his apartment suite. It is up to my sister and me to get it on the market with an agent and get the place ready to be shown to prospective buyers - the packing up, cleaning out, making it look presentable.

    My father’s suite is in the building where I work at the Concierge/Security Desk. I know the rules of the building really well because I have to ensure that residents follow them when I’m on duty. It’s better if people who work there follow the rules themselves, right? At least that’s what I would have thought.

    My sis, her husband and I were there on Saturday. We were moving things out and taking tons of stuff to the huge back of building rubbish dumpsters. My brother-in-law was breaking half the rules for moving items from dad's suite to the bins. I asked him to please follow the rules. He said, “I don’t give a goddamn about the rules, and I won’t it argue with you.” I told him he was being insensitive because I still had to work there. No comment from him. No apology. Nothing. And the next day he acted as if he didn’t say or do anything wrong and that we were just happy old pals.

    The general attitude toward me seems to be that my family can say and do whatever they please to me, and then once it’s done, it’s “in the past,” so “Don’t dwell on the past, it’s over and done.” To me, that’s a license for abusive behavior. It means that they can say or do anything, and the minute it’s over, it’s no good looking back and asking for an apology or an explanation.

    Or am I wrong? Is it just me? And why do so many people do this sort of thing to me? I feel so confused. It's crazy-making. I think they’re messing with my mind! But maybe they’re not. Maybe I’m just wrong and expect too much or I'm just being unreasonable. :unsure:

    I’d really appreciate comments about this, please.
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Do you have the opposite when they think you've stepped out of line?
    Have noticed in my family, I'm supposed to suck it up and shut up when I complain about anything, but the minute I do something they don't like I never hear the end of it :laugh:
    Maybe thats how everyone perceives the family unit or maybe, like me, you are far too easy going for your own good so everyone takes advantage.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    He was rude and he needs to apologize for treating you this way. You shouldn't have to take any verbal abuse from him or anyone
  4. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Thanks for the replies. I feel less crazy.

    @ Terry..."easygoing"? Me? I dunno. He called me a bitch two weeks ago. (Although I was angry and didn't make any bones about it. I probably was at least witchy if not bitchy.) Generally, I just do what's needed and carry on, seething or hurting underneath it all because I'm not supposed to complain. And yes, the moment, I do anything they don't like, I hear about it. In this case, I wouldn't have asked him to follow the rules to a tee except that I DO work there and they DO make a fuss if employees don't follow the rules and enforce them. He was putting me in an awkward position. (Grrr.)

    @ Violet...Apologize to me? That'll be the day, hun! lol They didn't support my request for my 8-year-old niece to apologize when she called me "Aunt Chubby" because I'd gained weight. IMO, 8 years old is old enough to have known better to some degree. I'm just dirt or worse, I think. Getting an apology from my brother-in-law is even more impossible.
  5. WildCherry

    WildCherry ADMIN

    I don't think you're being unreasonable. He was rude!!
  6. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I think you are expecting what everyone else expects... to be treated like a human being that has feelings that can be hurt and pains that need closure. So nope you havent boarded the looney tune express hun. You're human. And a damn lovable human at that.

    Unfortunately some others see your sensitivity as a weakness instead of what it truly is. That's too bad because they are the ones losing out here. They are too busy being righteous and full of themselves to let their own sensitive sides show. I really think people like that are actually afraid of showing raw feelings or apologizing for errors that they may of made. Because then it puts them on the same level as everyone else. And they cant fathom that they are just a human being like everyone else.

    When they come back the next day with the "nothing happened" attitude or air about them, it's really their shame speaking out. They know they did wrong but cant bring themselves to say sorry or to talk about what happened. It's much easier to pretend it never happened then to try and show some feeling or respect about the matter.

    I know it hurts when others mistreat you. But remember you are the better person. They are just too afraid to try and better themselves!!! :arms:
  7. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hi Acy,

    I do not know if this will help put things in perspective for you or not but my therapist said this to me many years ago when I had a similar situation with my brother and it really helped me.

    The saying is ;
    "A Prophet Hath No Honour in His Own Country"

    In a nutshell it is a quote from the Bible (I am not religious but do find the Bible is full of good wisdom).

    The context in which it was said was how Jesus was not recognized as being a prophet among his own people, friends and family, as they only knew him as the carpenter's son and could not get past their own limited thinking to see that he had changed.

    My therapist further explained that those close to us have an idea of how we are and what we are based upon the past and their own inner vision. Well this is not always factually based and so they continue to treat us in ways that are based upon the old us and upon what works for them, which may or not be appropriate.

    I know this is true of my family and close friends and perhaps this is what you are dealing with as well. They just have this idea of how we are and they won't let go of it.

    Your brother was disrespectful of you and what you do there is no doubt about that. I think it is like the saying above he just has some image of you and feels that is it alright to behave towards you based upon this image. Problem is this image is incorrect and you end up hurt-for this I am sorry.

    I know we are not supposed to take things personally but when it involves close family and friends it is hard not to. And when it happens time and time again it is easy to begin to believe we should be treated this way. Acy please don't let his own inner dealings change the way you feel about yourself and please know that just because he feels it is okay to disrespect you it is not.

    I hope my little saying helped you see the matter in a different light and helped you to see this is his issue not yours. You are a very sweet person and life is hardest on the gentle ones so lift your chin up and know you are the better person in this situation.

    Hugs and love B
  8. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    Thank you all. It's nice to know that the "crazy-making" isn't in my head, initiated by me, but is real and being done by them.

    Onward, now. To the rest of the tasks that lie ahead in helping my father with this major life change he faces. And his needs and comfort as he adjusts to the seniors' home is the real priority anyway. In my opinion.

    :hug: to all for replies.
  9. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I wanted to reply to you yesterday but couldn't.

    I agree with all the fantastic posts above, and what's more, you sound like you're very much on top of things- (there's nothing wrong with being called a bitch btw, especially if it's by people like that :biggrin: and especially if you're being witchy- I loved reading that). I think it's worth, if you can- opening up the topic when everyone's calmed down as to what you endure and what you don't complain about- because being silenced/not telling them how angry you are, can go in their advantage a lot of the time.

    I really hope all goes well with helping your father, it sounds like a stressful period for anyone to go through. :hug:

    S. xx
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 1, 2010
  10. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Hey Acy, Next time your brotherin law calls you a bitch tell him "Why thank you ,you bring out the best in me".You don't have to play his game turn it around on him...Your such a sweetheart, I don't get where he gets off calling you names in the first place..
  11. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    @ Stranger1 LOL! Good response...I like that!

    @ggg4567 Thank you for the good wishes for my dad. He's been settling in slowly but surely. Such a hard thing to uproot an elderly person from their home - usually when they have lived there for years and years. I can only imagine all the feelings he's experiencing.

    @ itmahanh They may be ashamed, that's true, but even more, they don't care. They feel it's OK it's not to care because it's me, the one who is disrespectful of herself (SI, gaining weight, easily manipulated, etc.), and who doesn't fight unless REALLY provoked.

    @ Bambi True enough, I guess. What is the secret to getting them to treat me right? They tell me not to get hung up in the past. In fact, they use the idea that the past is the past to justify not apologizing to me or discussing what upsets me. That's kind of ironic. They use their past views of me, but I can't use past examples of their actions/words to seek explanations. That allows them to continue their mistreatment of me and makes me the one at fault if I ask for resolution, clarification or, heaven forbid, an apology. Maybe they need to see the strong me more often and consistently until they get used to that strong me.

    I've just gone to a site and read about verbal/emotional abuse. My family would score high on using many of the listed examples phrases for "invalidating" me.

    It's occurred to me before, and it's scary, but maybe I need to see less of my family. The main problem is that I don't have the financial, physical, emotional and social resources to build a positive network of support in "real life." I already feel alone in my local, real life - (a "support network" is basically non-existent in geographically close terms). Letting go of the meager, sometimes bordering on abusive", and frequently unreliable support of my family isolates me completely in real life.

    I'm just confused, tired and frustrated atm. So, I'm trying my best to pick up the pieces and make myself a new mosaic that I like.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 1, 2010
  12. plates

    plates Well-Known Member

    I'm in a similar situation Acy, when it comes to invalidation, and the little "emotional support" I get from the family I'm still talking to.

    You might find though, once you start to be more bitchy, creating strong boundaries and/or cutting certain people out of your life, your SI, eating, and general mental health improves.

    What I've experienced, and am struggling with like yourself, is some people don't want to hear you, and those people who keep on doing things, while not hearing you, are not worth even being around, especially if their emotionally invalidating/ abusing you. I know how completely destroying that can be, and how much that can twist your mind up.

    But hearing as you are so dependent on them, cutting them off completely sounds really far off, maybe it's about boundaries, fighting your ground and trying to open up some communication about your feelings and how your feelings are the top most importance to yourself, perhaps not them, but to you- then again, if you're met with the same invalidating reactions throwing stuff at you all the time, this can be more triggering than anything else.
  13. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Have you tried the "f" word with them? I know it stopped me dead in my tracks when I heard it uttered from your virginesque lips!!!! :eek:hmy:OH screw it, I know it's totally immature. But who said you have to be grown up all the time???? Love ya to pieces incase you didnt know :arms:
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