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Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Borrowed time*, Oct 23, 2010.

  1. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Not many people in my life know this and I suppose my family deal with it in there own way. I have, had? A sister who was born prematurely before my first birthday. She died a few days later so I never met her. The thing is I think I love her, I'm not sure because I never met her. How can you love some one you never met or won't even meet? I have her baby picture and cry everytime I look at it.

    I can't help but feel angry that she was taken away. I have 5 other sisters and don't get on with any of them, I feel that if we had had the chance she would of been the one to want to be around me. Crazy I know but we were born so close together I like to imagine we would of had similar tastes, likes, dislikes. I would of had some one I could confide in, talk to. May be then I wouldn't feel so lonely all the time. But then I feel guilty because I should just let her go, I should let her rest in peace. I don't mean to forget but to stop putting my expectations onto her memory.
    The reality of the situation is I will never know what she was like or whether she would even like me. I just like to imagine there was a possibility there would be some one I could feel comfortable with and actually wanted me around.
    The worst thing for me is I can't visit her resting place, she was buried in a paupers grave and I have been told others would of been placed on top. I don't even know if they empty these graves out eventually so they can reuse them. I would like to find her and give her a proper burial but it was so long ago I think it would be impossible now.
    I won't ever forget her, my family have said things lately that makes me fairly certain they have forgotten her but I refuse to.
    Is it wrong of me not being able to let her go? Is this normal?
    If this is in the wrong area please feel free to move it.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sounds like you were hoping things would have been different with her and she would have been someone you would have gotten along with...that is such a hard thought to give up...sorry you cannot visit her, but you can keep her in your heart and live so that you can memoralize her memory...J
  3. WildCherry

    WildCherry Staff Member ADMIN

    I agree with J, and what you're saying isn't crazy. It makes sense. You don't have to let her go, you can keep her in your heart and hold onto her, and nobody can take that from you.
  4. down-and-maybeout

    down-and-maybeout Well-Known Member

    This doesn't sound weird at all to me. For reasons which are more personal than I feel comfortable going into on here, I have very similar feelings about a 'daughter' which I believe I should have had. Not a day goes by when I don't wonder what she would have looked like, the things we'd have been doing together, etc.
  5. Borrowed time*

    Borrowed time* Well-Known Member

    Thank you for all the replies.
    I get angry sometimes that she died and i have to live. It should of been me who died not her. I want to be with her.
  6. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Sunny, I am so glad it was not you then we would not have met...please know that you are valuable and cared for here and that we want you to be a part of us...big hugs, J