Complete paranoia

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MorganaNever, Dec 7, 2011.

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  1. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    I think I am going insane, or being really mentally manipulated from different sides. I don't know whom to trust anymore, including my own perceptions of reality.

    Things are escalating in my life, depression and all that aside, I am in a real huge mess. I am almost forced to change and become even more withdrawn because of the conflicting facts all around me.

    Am I with an objectively insane person or am I with a person who is a victim of conspiracies and manipulations? I don't know how to act but I don't trust anyone anymore. I don't know if I am so deep in something I see everything completely twisted or what.

    If I talk to anyone it will hurt at least someone. I feel completely trapped. I am not trying to be mysterious here, but explaining the situation almost feels dangerous and it is too complicated and almost trivial cause it just portrays the bigger picture, and that is that I feel I wish everything would stop, that everyone forgets I exist and that I can forget this whole mess. I want to escape from everything until I fix my own mind, I really feel Im in a Twilight Zone.

    I don't know I just had to vent somewhere. I started feeling evil. I feel I am in a situation where only something terrible would have to happen for me to get out. I don't even know what I'm trying to say, I am just trying to figure out who is insane, who shouldn't be trusted, and I don't know where I stand myself. I am completely conflicted inside between the two parts of me that are so opposite I feel I cant move or decide what to be.

    I need magic to save myself.
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    That sounds awful, can you write things down to keep track and hopefully isolate the truth?
  3. darcy1

    darcy1 Well-Known Member

    this might sound crazy...but i feel the exactly the same way you do.
    i am not supposed to discuss it with anyone or tell anyone about it cause i am being watched and my thoughts are being monitored and anything i say or think will be used against me.
    it continues in my sleeping dreams.

    i myself am not sure this world is real.

    i lay in bed last night for 3 hours trying to get to sleep. with nothing...fell into a quick dream and next thing i knew i was in my bedroom and someone was holding a pillow over my face. i grabbed the pillow and threw it down beside me and could hear chatter beside my room. i tried to listen to what they were saying but it was some kind of secret code...i asked what they wanted and they wouldn't answer. was i dreaming in a false awakeing or is life itself a anything real? i didn't remember waking up from a dream or being in a dream state at the time of the incident.

    i am afraid to tell anyone cause i don't want to be locked up.
  4. Severijn

    Severijn Well-Known Member

    Hi MorganaNever.

    I've had a psychotic depression earlier in my life, and with that came paranoid thoughts and delusions.

    I must honestly tell you that I think you are a little paranoid. Generally speaking, almost no person is involved in a conspiracy theory. That's just the truth. Maybe if you are a undercover agent in the CIA you might have to deal with these issues. During the cold war, there was a lot of paranoia, most of it was of course unfounded.

    But I have no reason to belief that people are out to get you, conspiring against you. I really think that putting trust in people is a good idea. Shutting people out of your life because you cannot trust them just makes things worse. You CAN trust friends, family, doctors, therapists. Really, they are not part of some conspiracy. They may not be perfect, that's true. They might even do some mean things now and then (especially some family members or some friends) but they are not evil nefarious people out to hurt you.

    When you have these thoughts, you likely suffer of Selective Perception. That means you see and perceive things that confirm your suspicions and delusions, but at the same time you also exclude contrary evidence, evidence that shows that people are just normal and ok. I hope you keep that concept in mind: Selective Perception.

    Also, some anti-psychotic medications can help, to make you more relaxed and calm. They worked a little for me.

    Being paranoid is really a terrible thing. Reasoning with yourself sometimes doesn't work, no matter how logical it sounds. I think paranoia stems from deep-seated emotions in your mind. It goes beyond reason and logic.

    If you want, say some more about your thoughts about the world, other people, etc. Is there at the moment one Major Delusion that is the source of all your other thoughts? (For example, I believed I was possessed by a demon, and this delusion was the cause of all my other delusional thoughts). The problem was, I truly and deeply believed in demons. But now I realize it's complete nonsense.

    If you want to talk more, let me know. Give me a pm, or just type it here. Take care, and take a lot of rest. Don't stimulate yourself too much. Just stay in your house and try to relax.
  5. In Limbo

    In Limbo Forum Buddy

    I agree and echo everything in the above post. Paranoia is a terrible situation to be in but the perception is almost always deeply different from the reality...

    You know I'm just a PM away also

  6. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    I just deleted everything because I have to think for a bit and read your replies carefully. I wrote a big text but then dont feel comfortable posting it cause it had too much private info. Thank you all for replying, I will pm you maybe rather then go on about this more here.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 7, 2011
  7. Severijn

    Severijn Well-Known Member

    That must be really difficult, when your partner is a very suspicious person.

    When you get mired in conspiracy theories, there just seems no way out. Whenever you have disproven an idea or theory, a moment later a new 'supposed fact' comes up and sets your mind going again. It's really difficult to get out of this paranoid way of thinking.

    Reading some very rational, anti-conspiracy articles and perhaps even books can help. Here's just one example:

    If you have a solid, rational foundation in your mind, these theories will be less likely to take hold. When you do not have enough reason to disprove a theory, you become scared and emotional. And this in turn, makes you more paranoid and makes you belief more in a theory again. It's a vicious cycle.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 7, 2011
  8. Severijn

    Severijn Well-Known Member

    Ok sure, no problem, understand you completely.
  9. MorganaNever

    MorganaNever Well-Known Member

    Hi. I really calmed down since posting this.

    I suddenly felt stupid even posting because I realized I don't even know what I was hoping to achieve. TO get any advice or anything I would have to go deeper in the situation, and that almost felt like something I don't even want to get into.

    I guess I just felt very scared and needed to share it somewhere.

    I have really calmed down and its not that I believe some weird conspiracy theories, but its more that I feel so detached and got too familiar with the world view of a paranoid person that it started affecting my own. I would say I have the capacity for rationality but things are just spinning more and more out of control.

    I was thinking, maybe I am pushing myself to break completely just to force some change. I don't know, cause just a while after posting, everything started seeming normal to me again and I couldn't understand where that huge uncertainty about people around me came from (well i know where it came from, but why did it feel so real).

    I am thinking a lot about all this and I feel I want to lose the rationality in me and the breaks in me cause I don't feel it helps me at all in the situation I am in. I feel part of me feels I need that wave of total irrational madness to actually act.

    Lately I am able to get into that state more and more, but not by choice (conscious one) and it doesn't last long. I know I generally DON'T want to die yet (and if u asked me a while ago Id say never), and generally can understand what is real and what isn't. But my sanity became a burden in the life I lead. I know only negative things happen when I lose that grip but at that point it feels so much easier, it feels really good.

    Anyway, even if I am aware of this I don't control this. So its fair to say I cant count on myself fully.
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