Complete psychopath here... Can suicide be my solution?

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Philix, Mar 25, 2012.

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  1. Philix

    Philix New Member

    So, I'm having this "nothingness" in my life so bad that I can't take it anymore.

    I'm a 25 year-old male, extremely successful professionally (done undergrad and grad at world top 5 schools with 4.0 GPA, currently have a great job with excellent salary and all). I'm physically super fit and look fine and looking from the outside I seem have the PERFECT overall life that many people can only wish for at this age.

    But the problem is, I don't feel anything. I'm a psychopath and a sociopath (I'm not just saying...). To give you some perspective, when my grandparents died I never felt anything bad or sad actually I found the concept of death and grief of others quite interesting (I was 13 and 15 when they died). I've never had any feelings for anyone and my interest in others is only based on what they can offer me. This has been with me since childhood and I've had serious problems with other kids. I've always hated being in social events and anywhere that I need to connect to others, I've always been a loner in my room (I actually hated that I had to share a house with others in college since I couldn't - and can't - stand the sight of other people in the same house). I have only cried of physical pains. I think you get the perspective.

    At this stage of my life I just think there's no point going forward. I don't like what I do everyday and can't see how it can change. That's why I'm considering suicide.

    I've tried not to be like this, I tried hard... These are some of the stuff that I've done:

    • Get professional help. Done that since childhood every now and again and never worked for me. I eventually ended up learning to pretend and blend in so I don't get into trouble or end up in those institutions.
    • Start a relationship, done that a few times and they always ended the same. I can't be a good partner since I have to pretend all the time and that's pretty damn difficult. All have broken down eventually at some point.
    • I moved abroad to see if a new place will change anything. You know the answer.
    • Set different goals to keep my mind clear of everything. Things like education, career, money or even marathon. I keep achieving them but nothing changes in my life.
    • I haven't tried anything nasty (drugs...) because that's just pathetic. I sure as hell don't enjoy my life but obviously don't wanna end up being a junkie. I only see logic.

    But nothing helps, I'm still the same guy with nothing inside. I think I've had enough of this life and let someone else, someone who can really enjoy this, step up and take my place (and of course I don't give a damn about that someone, I just want this to be over and if there's anything after this life, which I doubt there is, hopefully I'll have more luck with the next adventure).

    So why I haven't I done it yet?

    • First, I feared of the consequences if it was unsuccessful. I sure as hell don't enjoy my life but its absolutely better than say being a cripple up the neck or being admitted to an institution where someone keeps telling me the same crap over and over again.
    • Second is food. I enjoy great food and that's been something to live for.
    • Third is sex. Sex has been the only reason that I've socialized in my life but I'm sort of tired of picking up strangers every night and getting rid of them in the morning.
    • Forth is music.
    • And of course promise of future, I'm just 25 and have around 50 more years to live for. There may be some cure in the future for me.

    And that's about it. and No there's nobody in this world to miss me. My parents hooked up for one night and I was the result. They always tossed here and there because they both had their new lives and they didn't want me. My half-siblings won't even recognize me if they see me and I haven't heard from my parents in like three years or so. I have friends but no good friendship (if I do I have to pretend all the time which I don't like). Money, power or position don't fancy me to keep going forward and food, sex and music are not enough to keep living for.

    So can you come up with ANY reason why I shouldn't just end my life? Anything to live for? I see the logic but as much as I want to, can't understand the emotions in doing such a thing. I really can't understand how bad committing suicide is or how beautiful life is or all those stuff that people keep saying. The way I see it, suicide is a process that if successful results in some achievements, one of which I look for, and if unsuccessful results in some others, none of which I look for and deciding to do or not do it is just a way of measuring pros and cons and making a decision based on the odds. I think I need some help on the feeling side of things.

    Thanks in advance people. :smile:
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi Philix nice to see your reaching out here Logic i use that alot emotions well the just bring so much pain In a way i wish i did not feel so much I think like you there will be more medications coming forward to help people with your illness New meds are being developed every day. So logic says stick around and see if things will change You are young you do have that going for you so i hope you chose to stay You can chat here meet other people who perhaps have found things that have help them take care of YOU okay
  3. Philix

    Philix New Member

    Thanks total eclipse,

    Yeah logic says wait and see if there's a cure, but the thing is I'm following all the publications and advancements in the area and there is nothing currently in the pipeline, so there is nothing going at least for the next 10-15 years and it is not even an area of active research. The same logic says the probability of that happening is really low.

    Btw I took my time to go through some of the other topics here and their problems, and I couldn't believe that the excess of emotions can be the reason some people are considering suicide. Another downside of not being able to feel anything... I guess I'll never understand why.
  4. justMe7

    justMe7 Well-Known Member

    Id' give yourself sometime. Your priorities in life and drive may be counteracting your ability to connect with things from simplistic moments to more complex moments. Are you ok at giving? or do you feel you need to be in control. Plans can get in the way as the objective, or rational thought can dominate any expression or connection in feeling. Sometimes it takes a moment to let yourself admit that you just you, nothing more, nothing less. But that's.. somewhat damaging to someone in persay your situation, ,considering you've made a considerable use of your professional life. But it's worth it in my opinon. The parts of you that you use to make your life successful,(which btw is relative, but important :)) may be the evasion tactic you've used, directly or indirectly.
    Idk I don't know you, and I wont even from what you write. But alot of feeling comes from allowing it to flow freely. Try not to tell yourself who you are and what you are, especially with psychopathic and sociopathic affiliations. You're you, regardless of how you define and constrict yourself. Sometimes it's just very difficult to let yourself feel when you've cummulated a lifetimes worth of reasons and justifications for being how you are, instead of who you are.

    If i was to give you any advice, Id say take a moment .. sometime. Don't aim for it, just.. take a moment and stop for a minute and try to appricate the life around you. I really don't know how you see life, but alot of feeling comes from an understanding and respect for life,(to varying degrees). It's like looking at a dog for example. The definitions and ways you see that dog will inevitable restrict how you connect with it, or allow yourself to feel around it. If you see definition in everything, perhaps you need to take a little time to just relax how you see things, and just breath them in.
    Im gonna stop there because I could very well be off the mark and I don't particularly want you thinking you talking is a waste of time. All I can truly say is, any disasociative ways towards feelings and life aren't permenant by any means. Being ontop of everything won't work in life, because you're not, obviously. I just mean, that maybe a part of you that strives to make your life as good as you can make it, is also working against you in another fashion. If that is the case, it doesn't have to be like that.
    Im sorry things are like this for you.. I struggle to feel considerably, I fall back into methodical calculated ways and .. as comfortable as that may be, it feels like a numbing agent to feeling at times. I guess it's a control thing for me spread out in many avenues. Maybe talking about your past a bit more, and the things currently and into the future that you want, might give you some more insight into yourself. Thing I would suggest is, if you look into your own life, becareful to not accept everything you see and feel as permenant. It's how it maybe in some fashion, but it's just a moment in time you can liberate to make your life better. Just my opinon though, hope it's not too far off the mark.
  5. Raphael1

    Raphael1 Well-Known Member

    I don't think you are logical or lacking feeling. For one thing if you couldn't feel anything you definitely wouldn't be unhappy enough to want suicide would you. Takes a lot of feeling to get to that stage. If you didn't feel you wouldn't enjoy music or anything. You're not a robot.

    If you feel like life is empty for you, just try and find meaning in something. Get a friend. Get a girlfriend. Find something meaningful. It's not very fulfilling to only think of yourself. Others matter just as much as you do. Sooner you realize that less depressed you will be and less unfulfilled you will feel. If you are lonely you need to connect with others and find meaningful relations. Without this nothing matters. Nothing matters in life in you are not relating properly to things.

    total eclipse is going to recommend pills, even if there is no such pill invented, you are to wait for the correct pill. Because pills are the main thing that solves everything.
    Last edited by a moderator: Mar 28, 2012
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I also stated to hang around here and find ways other people have coped There are new medication for severely hard to treat depression but that again is the persons choice Therapy i have found the best to treat depression as it allows you to talk about underlying problems Medication can be use but i think in conjuction with therapy You choose what is best for you ok Everyone is different and each will take from this place something that will help them hold on Hugs to you
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