Complete rock bottom.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Carleyc4, Aug 12, 2013.

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  1. Carleyc4

    Carleyc4 New Member

    I'm the person that you always see smiling, laughing and acting like everything is okay. I bet not one person, even my best friend and roommate would ever guess I was suicidal or even depressed. I keep a front up so I don't inconvenience anyone.. I don't want to bother any one with my problems or feelings. But every day, I just think of ways I could just disappear from the world and leave everything behind.. Without hurting anyone else. Is it wrong to think of ways to die without making it look like I did it on purpose?
    I want to leave, escape from all my miseries without causing misery to anyone else. I have a caring family, and some supporting friends. But no one will ever understand the constant hurt that I feel. I just wish I could just disappear and no one would notice.
  2. empty sunday

    empty sunday New Member

    Maybe you should stop smiling and pretending you are the happiest person if you dont really feel like that. If you behave like that then you will just attract people that are also like that, when inside you actually feel another way. It is not that bad to be serious and shy if you actually feel like that, and maybe being more honest with yourself and acting more like you actually feel inside will help you feeling better and getting friends with whom you have more things in common like music or the way of seing life. When I was 18 i used to act nothing like i really felt inside and in consequence my friends had nothing to do with what i actually was looking for. After some years i realized who i was and what i really wanted, then i started acting more like i really felt and in consequence my surrounding and friends changed. Maybe that can help you with your Depression. Dont feel scared of being sad and melancholic. a lot of People love that Kind of Temperament. all my friends including me are not exactly the most extrovert and happy People, but being together somehow helps us overcome all the shit we see and feel. greetings.
  3. dannyboy86

    dannyboy86 Active Member

    I wish i could find a way to pretend to be happy. I have no idea to. I would have more friends if i could. My feelings are always written on my face, impossible to hide.
  4. listless

    listless Banned Member

    danny, you remind me of a time when I was also in a very low state in my life. Just for survival, for keeping my friends, for getting a decent job I had to pretend I was fine and happy, when I was just super-depressed and dying on the inside. That was a long time ago, my life got much better since that low point...but if it's something that you need to do, then just do it. Have some close friends or family members you can confide your true feelings to, but with the rest at least for getting on with life, we just have to put on this act.

    Unfortunately we live in a world now where people are too selfish and self-absorbed to care about what happens to others. Plus they have their own shit to deal with. Once when I was younger, I went to a club and met a pretty girl who was depressed-I was depressed also at the same time and I thought what's the point of being together if we're both depressed. So I didn't call her-but looking back I think I could've at least tried to help her out.
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 13, 2013
  5. listless

    listless Banned Member

    Carley, I could say I'm in a similar boat-but it'd be hard to do in my situation because of the problems I'd leave behind for others if I did. I know eventually I will end my life but maybe 5-10 years from now. Unless things suddenly got really, really bad.

    It'd be a good idea to at least tell us what is bothering you, perhaps we'd have some positive advice, if it's nothing something you want to share with someone who's close to you. At least you'd know there are others who can sympathize with your situation.

    Frankly I don't even know why I keep going on sometimes. The things I want are pretty difficult to obtain. These same things used to be very accessible to me when I was younger and I took it all for granted, including great jobs and for dating also. Now I'm just stuck in a bad rut. Too embarrassing to even talk about but it gives you an idea of where I am. When I was younger I had big goals/ambitions, now I really don't care about anything and life is not very good right now-it's not terrible but it's not great either. I'm just hoping and waiting for things to get better.
  6. meaningless-vessel

    meaningless-vessel Well-Known Member

    Hi Carleyc4 - welcome to SF by the way.

    I would like to start by saying that putting a front up to hide from who you are, pretending to be someone you're not - doesn't sound too wise. A quote I once stumbled across

    "always be a first rate version of yourself not a second rate version of someone else."

    It can, as others have mentioned, attract the kind of people who you may not connect with in the way you would like.

    Is it wrong to have suicidal ideations? No. Many people across this forum have had/still have those thoughts on a fairly regular basis - and they do offer a varied balance of support. Unfortunately, the chances are, should you act on anything, your family/friends/roommate would feel the misery. Have a read of the Loved and Lost section of the forum for how people react to the grief of losing someone. You would be a lot more likely to hurt them even though you don't wish to.

    If you feel up to it, you can share what it is that you believe makes you feel the constant hurt that you do.

    Have you ever considered seeking therapy? A doctor at least? The idea behind therapists are that they are qualified to assist with the feeling of not wanting to burden/inconvenience anyone - by being a confidential point of contact in relatively regular sessions, and they can also pick up extra signals from the likes of body language which you may not realise you give off.

    Hope this helps in some way.
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