Completely Alone Now

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by alyssaswoon, Nov 8, 2012.

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  1. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    I really have no hope anymore whatsoever.
    I ended up in the ICU last night because apparently I took a lot of pills (i don't remember much).
    So then I ask for a phone to call my fiance, and his mother answered and told me to never call there again.
    So when I got home I sent him a message on facebook to try to piece together my night but all he could say was, "this is it, we're over." I almost threw up hearing those words. the "love of my life" didn't come support me when I was in the hospital even though every time he ended up there.
    He's been online telling everyone I'm the scum of the earth and there's nothing I can do about it.
    I wish I had've died last night in the ER, I really do.
    So since apparently overdosing won't kill me I'll just have to find another way. I can't live another day feeling like this.
     
  2. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    You have this site and we will try to support you Alyssaswoon.
    Do you know why you took the pills?
    I am sorry that your fiance could not support you.
     
  3. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    I wish I knew why I took the pills but I can't remember for the life of me.
    And now the only person who promised he'd be there for me through thick and thin wants me dead. And I wish I was dead too.
     
  4. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I am so sorry.
    Keep talking to us, about how you have felt over the last few days. Have you felt down?
    PM if you want.
     
  5. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, I'm sorry that has happened. You must be feeling terrible :( but look, all you can do is look to the future, the past is in the past, you cannot change what has happened, as for what he's saying about you only speaks volumes for the person he is. You deserve better, get yourself well again and get the all the support you can :hug: good luck to you.
     
  6. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    I haven't been doing well lately, emotionally. but our relationship was fine. then before i know it i wake up in the hospital hooked up to every machine i could see. i couldn't want to call my fiance to tell him I was okay but he didn't/doesn't want anything to do with me. That hurts more than getting a million needles jabbed into me at the hospital. He's the love of my life and I feel like part of me is missing, but that part doesn't want anything to do with me anymore.
    I just don't know what to do, I'm useless to everyone around me.
    I worried my parents to death, I lose the love of my life, I have no job, no friends, no school, NOTHING. So why am I here, really? I guess when it comes down to it people's true colours shine through, and the only people that were there for me was me Mom and Dad.
    I don't want to face another day like this, I spent hours lying in bed, staring at the ceiling and crying. I have no motivation to do anything at all. My Dad is constantly knocking on my door to check on me (which I think is sweet) but I know I'm putting him through so much stress. If I was dead he'd be sad for a little while, but if I keep living he's going to be in pain forever.
     
  7. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    It will ruin his life, he will feel that he failed you.
    You can change your life, you can go to school, train, get a job. You parents will help, I bet. Use this as motivation to change your life.
     
  8. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    He (boyfriend) doesn't care about me anymore, he just keeps sending me messages about how horrible of a human being I am, and he's right.
    I don't want to be a weight on anyone who's around me anymore, there's so much pain that I can't fix. Doctors won't do anything for me, and I'm certainly not asking my friends for help because they'll think I'm crazy. Not to mention I have less than 10 friends, and they don't even know me that well.
    I really feel like this is the end.
    One of my good friends invited me out to dinner tomorrow night and another friend asked me to get drunk with him tonight. So I'm torn, do I want to hang out with my friend over dinner? Or do I get so drunk I get the balls to actually kill myself. I'm torn. I guess only tonight will tell.

    Thank you to everyone for your kind words, I'll be checking this page on and off all night, with possible updates. I just wish I was okay...
     
  9. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Well your boyfriend does not deserve you if he cannot talk to you properly about this.
    10 friends is a lot! And they care for you, trying to be there for you. I would advise dinner, your body needs to heal from what happened.
     
  10. alyssaswoon

    alyssaswoon Well-Known Member

    I finally have a positive post to make.
    After days of not speaking at all, and me going through a drug and alcohol binge, my boyfriend finally spoke to me. He apologized for everything he had said to me, and found out that some of the things he thought he knew were lies from his Mother (who doesn't like me one bit). I told him everything I was feeling, and so did he. He then told me how worried he's been about me constantly, and just didn't know if talking to me was a good idea or a bad one.
    We met up for a coffee tonight and he told me he forgave me for what happened, because it was something completely out of character for me to do and he said he felt like someone had taken over my mind that night, and that was who he was mad at, not me. We're taking our relationship slow now, but he still loves me and wants to be with me.
    I really feel like a weight has been lifted on my heart, because being on bad terms with someone I care about so much destroys me. It's up in the air now, we may or may not remain together, but we're trying. To go along with that I'm finally getting some help. My trip to the hospital pretty much bumped me to the top of any doctors list and tomorrow I call my ER doctor back to get the information for my new Psych. I'm trying to keep my mind positive, because the last few days have been Hell on earth. I finally admitted to my family I needed help, and they're insuring that I do as well. Having support and being able to be honest has done wonders for my mental health.
     
  11. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Good to hear that things have been good, thank you for the positive update.
     
  12. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    While you feel like you have no hope left in your life, I believe that for everyone, there is always at least something that exists to keep them going, be it something small, from finding out how your favourite television program ends or a goal that you have been working for all these years that you have always failed at, to keep you going until you have improved enough to be good at it (maybe not in a professional manner, but something that means a lot to you.)
    Everyone has some kind of hope in their life that keeps them going, even through the darkest periods of their lives and to me, I personally think that as long as long as you have goal that you want to see through to the end, you will never run out of excuses to quit and give up and succumb to the depression and suicidal thoughts that plague you all the time.
    You just have to think back at what has made you so happy in your past that was the best experience of your life and hold onto that memory, to remember the good times where you (as an example) were standing in a field of daffodils or up on a hillside or down at the beach or other such memory where you felt seer bliss that nothing could ever take it away from you and focus on that time of peace and tranquility, if only calm your nerves and let you forget about your current situation for a brief time - believe you me, it has helped me a lot when i was in need and have no doubt that it will do the same for you.

    I really do apologise about your fiancee and what his mother said, and while I cannot say that you should not be saddened by it, I understand that you have to have time to grieve for the loss of the perfect future that you had always dreamed about with him, but you must not let that grief overwhelm you or take over your life. All break ups are bad and yes, I admit, they hurt so much, even more as though someone rammed a dagger into into your heart, but even if you are tired of hearing it, the pain does fade after time and you should should try and think positively that, although he was not the right person for you, you really never know that one day in the ear future, you could be walking down to the shops and bumb into a complete stranger who holds more truth and love for you than anyone else who has ever been in your life.
    Never give up on being happy, no matter how difficult it seems, because just because one relationships does not work out, does not mean that somewhere down the line, you will meet the right person, meant only for you. Keep that thought forever in your mind and see how just how bright your future can be.

    g-gao^^
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Nov 13, 2012
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