completely hopeless.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by l1ndz, Aug 15, 2015.

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  1. l1ndz

    l1ndz New Member

    I am a recovering addict. I was strung out for 15 years. I finally got clean. I had almost two years, and then I relapsed. My relapse was brief, but not brief enough to keep from losing everything I had worked for. So here I am again. Starting from ground zero (3 months clean and homeless) . I am staying on someone's couch, while someone else is watching my dog for me. I am unable to have her where I am staying. I have a job, but the pay is terrible. I've been a drug addict for most of my life, so I have no education or life skills to speak of. Working at Starbucks or being a server for the rest of my life would be sheer torture. I am a burden on everyone around me. As I am unable to support myself at this time. I am saving every penny I make to be able to rent out a room for my pup and I. But is this a life? I remember even when I had 22 months clean, I wasn't happy with myself or my life. Which is a big reason I went back out. Now back at only 3 month's clean, I can only wonder....is this as good as it gets? Living paycheck to paycheck, no dreams or goals other than staying clean? Yes I have a sponsor. Yes I work the steps, and am involved in service work. Heaven forbid I relapse again. That would only put myself and my loved ones through the misery we have been all too familiar with for 15 years. I don't want to put myself or my dad through that ever again. I truly feel like if I just ended my life, that my dad would suffer the initial shock and loss, but the ongoing torment would be over. I would never have to hurt or disappoint him again. Not to mention I would be out of my misery. This is a battle I am tired of fighting. I'm tired of the dead end jobs, the self hatred, the anxiety, the loneliness. I know suicide is selfish. The only thing stopping me at this very moment is the fact that I don't want to hurt anyone else. But on the flip side, it would be selfish for anyone to play the guilt trip on me to try to talk me out of it. If I am in misery, why try to keep me around to suffer anymore? I just want out.
     
  2. Inspire&Inquire

    Inspire&Inquire SF Supporter

    I think if there's a god he's got a sense of humor about everything. Depresssion is like this hell where you are miserable and you say and express things that make you even more miserable. No one wants to do work, but at the same time it makes you happier. Having something to do.
     
  3. ShatteredDreams

    ShatteredDreams New Member

    I totally understand where ur coming from. I too am an addict in recovery. I ended a 12 year relationship recently and my only child decided to live with her dad. Now I feel hopeless and unwanted and wonder why I'm bothering to fight anymore. I have a 2 bedroom apartment and I'm all by myself. I'm so tired of doing this everyday. I feel your pain. But there is still this small part of me that wants more for me. But the bigger part lately that would love to stop fighting and give up. I'm so tired but I know what your feeling.
     
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