I am a recovering addict. I was strung out for 15 years. I finally got clean. I had almost two years, and then I relapsed. My relapse was brief, but not brief enough to keep from losing everything I had worked for. So here I am again. Starting from ground zero (3 months clean and homeless) . I am staying on someone's couch, while someone else is watching my dog for me. I am unable to have her where I am staying. I have a job, but the pay is terrible. I've been a drug addict for most of my life, so I have no education or life skills to speak of. Working at Starbucks or being a server for the rest of my life would be sheer torture. I am a burden on everyone around me. As I am unable to support myself at this time. I am saving every penny I make to be able to rent out a room for my pup and I. But is this a life? I remember even when I had 22 months clean, I wasn't happy with myself or my life. Which is a big reason I went back out. Now back at only 3 month's clean, I can only wonder....is this as good as it gets? Living paycheck to paycheck, no dreams or goals other than staying clean? Yes I have a sponsor. Yes I work the steps, and am involved in service work. Heaven forbid I relapse again. That would only put myself and my loved ones through the misery we have been all too familiar with for 15 years. I don't want to put myself or my dad through that ever again. I truly feel like if I just ended my life, that my dad would suffer the initial shock and loss, but the ongoing torment would be over. I would never have to hurt or disappoint him again. Not to mention I would be out of my misery. This is a battle I am tired of fighting. I'm tired of the dead end jobs, the self hatred, the anxiety, the loneliness. I know suicide is selfish. The only thing stopping me at this very moment is the fact that I don't want to hurt anyone else. But on the flip side, it would be selfish for anyone to play the guilt trip on me to try to talk me out of it. If I am in misery, why try to keep me around to suffer anymore? I just want out.