Completely isolated, physically and emotionally

[13fullmoon]

I live alone. Well, alone with my 6 month old. I don't have much interaction with the outside world now. Sometimes people take advantage of me. I am weak and useless. I am ready to end my life right now. I see the logic in that I should be there for my daughter, but I think someone else could raise her better than I can. I have nothing to look forward to. I have lost everyone and everything in my life outside these walls. If I were to commit suicide, it would take weeks for anyone to find me and it would probably just be my landlord wondering why I haven't paid her greedy pocket her money.

It is a strange feeling to know that it doesn't matter if I live or die and that no one would really care.

I have tried a couple medications and I think I have PPD on top of a book of mental disorders. I am also a psychology student, or I was, until I dropped out this semester after getting my worthless AA in liberal arts. 25K down the drain. Haha, eff you financial aid! I will never pay back my loans, why? Because I will probably never get a job.

Next stop, worthless, homeless bum without my kid living on the street trying to get high or something -- or maybe I'll grow a pair and end my life now before suffering any longer. Right, but that'll never happen.

But let me be real for a moment, what will REALLY likely happen is that I'll think I get better, and then I get worse and better and then worse and better... it'll just be a cycle. All the while, I am mediocre and totally alone forever.

 

[dazzle11215]

can you speak to your doctor about the post partum depression? no need to carry this alone. what other supports do you have? family or friends? you're right, it can be so isolating with a new child in your life.

 

[13fullmoon]

can you speak to your doctor about the post partum depression? no need to carry this alone. what other supports do you have? family or friends? you're right, it can be so isolating with a new child in your life.

I have a super shitty doctor and live on a small island and am on medicaid, so unfortunately I'm stuck with him. I told him what I'm going through, and he gave me a perscription to wellburtrin (by phone, never did get an appointment in office) and it had side effects on my daughter and I. That was the only medication I could take since SSRI's have the opposite effect on me and landed me in a psych ward 7 years ago since they just made me more depressed and suicidal.

My mom's got more frickin mental problems than I do. She is mean and insensitive and has not been helpful in any way. I haven't lived with her since I left home at 15.

Sorry for the little autobiography, but long story short,

No I have no one anymore. No friends, no family, no doctors, no therapists. I'm just in total isolation. I hardly leave the house anymore because all I see are strangers and I just hate being outside of my house. I even ran out of propane days ago, and I don't even want to leave to go refill it. I don't even really have money to. So now I'm hardly even eating since I can't cook. I feel like a total failure, and my daughter is being a monkey right now. I wish I could be happy for her. I take care of her, but it is so forced and I am so miserable.

 

[dazzle11215]

have you seen this list of online PPD resources?
http://momnation.ca/2011/04/06/906/

could you call 211 and see if there are any agencies that could help you out, by taking you to buy propane, for instance, or helping you get groceries. or even watch your baby for a little while so you can have some time to yourself. 211 is a united way project designed to put people in touch with local agencies.

i'm so sorry you are so alone right now. keep posting and sharing here. everyone is very nice and you will make friends here. i know it's not the same as in RL, but it's a good support network.