i think the title says it all....i'm just not sure who i am anymore and i seem totally and completely out of control of my life and i have no clue how to get it back. i've been having thoughts of suicide for the past year and it's the first time in my 37 years that this is where my thoughts have been going. i've written my letters to loved ones, i've mapped out my finances and things that need to be taken care of after i'm gone, i've purged all belongings down to the barest necessities, i've been recently thinking about pre-paying my 'final' expenses with funeral home...but that needs a little more thought and planning there was one attempt last year, i had stockpiled a shitload of pills/drugs and had done the necessary planning about lethal doses of certain medications that i had. the night that i had planned to do it, my older brother ended up at my door step...something that is totally out of the ordinary and something that jolted me to a different space. my mother called that 'divine intervention'. the next day, while in my therapy session i told my therapist about the night before and all hell broke loose, panic buttons were pushed, she did not let me leave her office until a family member picked me up, she ensured that someone went into my house to get all medications, all family was notified and i was essentially placed on suicide watch and was forced to move back into my parents place for a few weeks. not good! so, here we are, almost precisely a year later...and one thing that i learned over the last year is that i had to 'keep it together' and bullshit my way through counselling and doctors appts and family functions and any social gatherings that i happened to attend. i had to put on this facade that i was 'alright' i was 'hopeful' i was 'getting better' i was 'happy' blah blah blah.... in reality i have never been in so much pain. the thoughts running through my head the majority of the time are about death and dying and how painful it is to just keep living this pathetic life. i have never been so certain of something...that i'm definitely better off in a 'better' place. one thing that has kept me going the last little while is travel....i love to travel...there's just something that happens to me when i am boarding a plane to visit some far off exotic place. i've heard so many times these past few years how lucky i am to be able to see the world and to go to all these amazing places...to just go to places that most people only ever dream of. sadly though...i've found that even that now is doing very little for my soul. i have an upcoming trip planned with a friend to visit a place we've been talking about going to for about 10 years....a few weeks ago, we actually booked our flights and that's the ONLY thing that has kept me from going through with my next 'plan'...but there is definitely a new plan, one that can wait until i step foot on one last continent. sad huh? sad...and so selfish! i've lost all hope and motivation to keep struggling through life...and i am ready to make one very final and selfish decision. pathetic...isn't it???