Completely Lost, Need Someone on the Outside to talk to.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Earthman, Aug 27, 2016.

  1. Earthman

    Earthman New Member

    Hi all!

    I apologize in advance for the sheer length that is going to be this post. I have not felt this bad, well ever. Im utterly lost, and I dont know where to go for help. Hell, I dont even know where to start.

    I dont know what the hell is wrong with me. Im sick, if thats what you would call it. I have these voices in my head, these images that keep showing up, and I just want it to stop. I keep seeing myself checking out, like to the point I can almost reach out and touch my body in just about every way of ending it all. Its destroying my marriage, to the one woman that managed to save me the last time I got this bad. Im lashing out, violently, I cant remember when my hand didnt hurt from punching something.

    Ive always had this issue, the voices telling me that its better off if im not around. Ive attributed, hell rationalized it, to being God telling me that I was, am, a huge mistake, and that I dont belong. Whenever anything happens to cause even the slightest bit of extra stress, I lash out. I shut down. I completely ruined our trip to the Fair yesterday because we couldnt get gas. Thats it. I had a little bit of stress on me and I melted down. My wife has been extremely mixed on this. There are times shes great support, and others that I cant stop yelling at her because she wont stop stressing me out.

    My wife is my soulmate. I know that without a shadow of a doubt. But today, today, to put it bluntly, I fucked up. Royaly. We got into a heated argument, while she was drunk and I was buzzed from the night before, because she continued to drink well past a reasonable time. We have a 1 and a half year old, and were planning on taking him to the fair today. She got mad and punched me right in the mouth, and I reacted. Without a second thought, I hit her back. The same woman that saved me from suicide the day we met, and I punched her. There was so much blood. All day, <mod edit - methods> Im trying so hard to fight it, but I have never wanted to die more than I do right now. Even trying to type this out, as shaky as I am, Im fighting the demons inside me, telling me to go do it. I am in washington, and ive always smoked a little grass to fight it off, to stave it back, to get some peace and quiet in my head, but I lost my job, and I dont have that option. We are so far behind as is, we could sell everything we own and still be in debt. Im falling apart, and I dont know what to do.

    Im the biggest Asshole on the planet. My wife had her nose broken by her Ex when they were seperating, again, in a drunken stupor. I promised her, Swore on my son and 2 step kids, that I would NEVER, EVER hit or swing or get violent with her. Its not me. Ive always hit a pillow or a post or something that cant get hurt if I got mad enough. Never a woman. Every time I think about it, I get physically sick, and the rush of feelings comes back. I havent eaten at all today, and barely had a glass of water throughout. Its 80+ outside, and Im not drinking any water. I feel like this is for the best, me leaving. I even made her promise me that she would go find a good daddy for my son, and a man that would actually treat her like the queen she is. I was on my way out the door and she told me to stay. She grabbed my hand and stopped me, as out of it as she was. My Ex, who is ironically best friends with my wife as of last month, was over here too. She had to calm me down and get me to not throw myself into the Highway this morning. Im so fucked up, and I dont know what to do. Ive lost my fight completely. Ive lost the will to live...
    Last edited by a moderator: Aug 27, 2016
  2. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    Hello Earthman, I am Mox

    Hello and thank you for joining us at SF. Thank you for sharing your story with us. The more you share the more we can help you. I invite you to read my personal story below in green. Just know you are not alone in your pain and suffering. Everyone here is battling his/her own demons. You are among friends. No one will ever insult you or ridicule you for any reason; that BS is not tolerated here. We will give you emotional support and lots of hugs. If you are feeling like you are going to hurt yourself that you will take yourself to the nearest ER and get the help you need. The help you deserve. We want you to be SAFE. If you are having a bad day or if you are upset do not hesitate to reach out to someone here at SF and we will help you the best way we can.

    Do you have any kind of diagnoses with all of the stuff going on in your head? Are you on any kind of medication to help with what is going on in your head? Are you seeing a counselor or any sort? May help you not get so stressed out.

    Are you and your wife still together?

    Take Care
  3. Earthman

    Earthman New Member

    I have never seen a doctor for anything going on upstairs. I have battled what i perceived to be depression before, but nothing like this. That being said, ive always self medicated with the herb, but i lost my job, and cant afford it with Washington State taxing it 3 times. I just heard about the local Mental Health Center, and im probably going down there tomorrow.

    I dont know whats going on. She swears that I swung at her out of self defence, but I think that is her just trying to cope with what happened. I have never felt so pathetic, so worthless. I let my anger get the better of me, I let it take control. I feel like leaving, like checking out, is the only way to protect my family. I dont know what she wants to do. I wouldnt blame her for leaving. Nobody would.
  4. moxman

    moxman I am proud to call Rosie, my best friend =) Forum Pro

    You definitely need to tell a psychiatrist about what you are going through and maybe they could give you some medication to help you manage.

    Have you considered anger management classes? To avoid this type of thing from happening again.

    I think couples counseling would be a good thing for both of you after what just transpired.

    Are the police involved in this episode?

    Sounds like both of you need to lay off the drinking and weed and get somethings sorted out.

    Take Care