Completely Lost with No Hope

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by USExpat, Dec 20, 2014.

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  1. USExpat

    USExpat Member

    I am an American Expat living in Luxembourg.

    I have struggled on and off with depression my whole life, but it was under control until the past few months. My partner of five years revealed in July that he had been having an affair. We initially agreed to work through it and I forgave him, but then he started traveling for work and went radio silent. He eventually admitted he never stopped seeing the other guy, and then admitted that he had moved to Amsterdam with this person behind my back (while pretending he as just traveling for work).

    In October, It was announced that my company would be closing it's Luxembourg office, and we were all made redundant/laid off.

    My partner said he would come back for a week or so to get his things and talk so I could have some closure (most of his things are still here but he hasn't been home in five months), but then he goes radio silent for long periods and has broken so many promises I don't believe him.

    So I am sitting at home, alone, dumped, surrounded by all the memories of our relationship, and now I am broke and without a job.

    I also turn 40 in January.

    I do not want to exist anymore. I really don't. I think a lot about how I would do it, and am pretty sure I will <mod edit- methods>

    Loved ones are well intentioned with their "time heals all wounds and you will feel better" crap, but I'm tired of hearing it. I'm a 40 year old unemployed, broke divorced loser stranded in a country where even my friends and family can't visit.

    This really is my only solution. End it. The pain is unbearable and I'm not strong anymore.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 20, 2014
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi welcome to the forum. I am so sorry to hear that you are in a terrible state at this time of year. I can understand that each day is hard but you must remember life is important and so are YOU. You need to speak to your doctor about your feelings and do not feel embarrassed about it. Yes, you think life is worthless but you are IMPORTANT.

    The important thing is you keep yourself busy and occupied especially at Xmas and New Year Day. We can help you get through this tough period. I know you suffering and implore that YOU DO NOT DO ANYTHING. People suffer in many ways but we can get through it with support of others. It's nothing to be ashamed of as a lot of people go through a crisis in their lifetime. Remember no one is perfect. YOU ARE IMPORTANT TO US. I might be stranger but as humans we feel each other's pain.
  3. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    You're dealing with major losses in your life. It's understandable and tough. What about the areas job market can you search and apply for a job?

    Are you liking this area or is openminded to start fresh elsewhere?
  4. USExpat

    USExpat Member

    Thank you for the kind responses.

    No, there is hi chance to start fresh somewhere. I am stuck in a small country with no job opportunities and no money. Moving back to the US is not only something I don't want to do (I love living in Europe, getting to travel, learning foreign languages, experiencing other cultures, etc.), but it would be prohibitively expensive to do so. My family is poor. I came here because of the job and money my partner had, and only found work by networking through him. That is gone now. He is radio silent and won't help. After my severance is gone in March I won't be able to afford rent, and I have no real legal opportunities. US lawyers won't touch it because it is a foreign situation they don't want to deal with, and Luxembourg lawyers won't address it because it is a US marriage (Calfornia partnership). If I had legal options I would sue the crap out of him for alimony like any straight couple. Not out of pettiness but out of desperate need.

    I have no options, and want to disappear.

    I was seeing a counselor, but now can't afford that either. There is national healthcare here, but it does not cover therapy/counseling.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 7, 2015
  5. USExpat

    USExpat Member

    It is Sunday. I haven't left my sofa since my last work day in Thursday. I still shower daily and change clothes, but ai haven't left my house. I watch TV but don't pay attention. I am usually a voracious reader but haven't picked up a book in months. And this may be over sharing but my sex drive is completely gone, so no "self love" to pass the time either.

    Oh yes, and three and a half years after quitting smoking I have started back up again.

    I feel absolutely no joy. I am a burden to my friends and family who have their own lives and don't know what to do with me.

    It is time to go.
  6. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi USExpat, Thank you for having the courage to share your story. I think I know the company in Switzerland and if it's the one I'm quite sure it is, I would be very careful. I know of situations where people have experienced extremely slow deaths and after they have died, they have been thrown out and left in stairwells. I'm not trying to scare you but this is what I know about this place and I advise you to reconsider.

    As for your situation, I'm sorry for what's happened to you because it seems awful. It appears you've trusted someone and been loyal to them and they haven't reciprocated this. You mention you have family. Would it be possible to reach out to them? There are options but sometimes the choices can be hard. Is there a place you can reach out to in Luxemburg who could lend a helping hand? I think in Luxemburg there is a crisis line called SOS D├ętresse and their phone number is 45 45 45. They may be able to provide some options for you.

    I hope your situation improves. Your life is worth fighting for and ultimately, so are you. Husky
  7. USExpat

    USExpat Member

    I am now chain smoking again, and last night I even hired an escort because I was so desperately lonely. I wasn't even really horny, as my sex drive is mostly gone. I just needed to feel human contact. I needed to be held. And I had to literally pay for it.

    It only felt good for an hour, and now I'm ready to end the pain. This physically hurts. I feel it all over.
  8. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi UsExpat, Thank you for your message. I'm pleased you felt better even if it was for an hour. Please keep fighting because you never know when something great is going to happen. I hope that you have a Merry Christmas and if you ever feel alone, there's always some good company on this forum. Husky
  9. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    You can also join chat .. that should help u relax .. we are all here for u
  10. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Sorry you feel theres no networking opportunities in the area. Keep looking and applying to different places. Sometimes a low paying job ends up being a stepping stone for better opportunies.

    Your family loves you, yes they dont know what to do as theyre helpless being in America I assume they probably would help you if they could financially

    Just keep hoping for the best, suicide may seem the easiest solution but in reality its the hardest way out.

    You have passion for traveling, what about touring europe using free places to sleep just exploring and finding opportunity out there?
  11. USExpat

    USExpat Member

    Holidays are over. It's freezing. I have no one and no job.

    I'm making solid plans to end it now.

    Can't do it anymore.
  12. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    Hey. What about trying something out of the box?
  13. USExpat

    USExpat Member

    I know exactly how I'm going to do it and when. I'm writing my goodbye letters now.

    I feel a burden lifting.
  14. DrownedFishOnFire

    DrownedFishOnFire Quieta non movere

    It relieves stress tempoary but the problem comes back. What about calling a hotline
  15. ub3

    ub3 Banned Member

    I hope your still out their...?
  16. Husky

    Husky Well-Known Member

    Hi USExpat, I hope you're ok. There's so many people on here who care about you and just want you to be ok. As for the burden, it just transfers when someone ends their life and it's the people they love who it transfers to. Please take care of yourself and hold on. Life is worth it as are you. Husky
  17. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Please reconsider your plans, things can get better. Your life can improve.

    Is writing out your thoughts here helping you?
  18. Zaheer

    Zaheer Account Closed

    What do you need to get back on track ?.. Do u need ticket to go back to America ? .. if job u can start from here .. if you do not want to search yourself .. send your cv to me .. i will try searching.
    You need to do something, your partner is gone I understand but nothing stays for life either ways. 40 isnt too old if you can search for an escort you can get out of this too.
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