I realised today what is going to happen to me, if I stay alive- I am going to go back to my bulimia and end up getting even more chronically ill and getting cancer, being in even more pain and finally dying. The struggle to stay away from the foods i used to eat and the struggle to stay on the restricted diet I am on for my illness is too much. I have had five months of sheer hell doing this. I know if i go back to the bulimia, I will only have a few years left to live anyway. I think I know what i have to do, I dont even know why I posted here as I posted before saying what had happened to me, with the ic, what I didnt say is that I had been bulimic for so long and right up to geting the ic. Pain and fear of more pain is what is driving me to suicide. I am so sorry, I never ever ever thought I would be posting thoughts like this, I survived so much in my life already but this illness and the pain have broken me, I long and pray for a heart attack every night as I sleep. I know suicide is the best for me now.