Completely lost

[Kaza]

I realised today what is going to happen to me, if I stay alive- I am going to go back to my bulimia and end up getting even more chronically ill and getting cancer, being in even more pain and finally dying. The struggle to stay away from the foods i used to eat and the struggle to stay on the restricted diet I am on for my illness is too much. I have had five months of sheer hell doing this. I know if i go back to the bulimia, I will only have a few years left to live anyway. I think I know what i have to do, I dont even know why I posted here as I posted before saying what had happened to me, with the ic, what I didnt say is that I had been bulimic for so long and right up to geting the ic. Pain and fear of more pain is what is driving me to suicide.

I am so sorry, I never ever ever thought I would be posting thoughts like this, I survived so much in my life already but this illness and the pain have broken me, I long and pray for a heart attack every night as I sleep. I know suicide is the best for me now.

 

[icequeen]

i am sorry you are suffering, and i feel really ignorant for asking this and i am not being insensitive, but what do you mean when you say "ic"

 

[total eclipse]

Hi i too am sorry you are suffering so much. I hope you have your therapist to reach out too your doctors to help you I too do not understand what ic means but i do know with support you can get strong again okay lean on your professionals to help you don' t fight this alone hugs

 

[Arthur523]

I am so sorry, I never ever ever thought I would be posting thoughts like this, I survived so much in my life already but this illness and the pain have broken me, I long and pray for a heart attack every night as I sleep. I know suicide is the best for me now.

You never thoughts that you "would be posting thoughts like this...". Exactly, these are just THOUGHTS. Right now you're battling depression and thoughts of suicide, so it is not abnormal to be having these types of thoughts. I, like most other people on this forum, have had these same exact thoughts. As a matter of fact, I'm still having these thoughts, so I am right there with you in thinking this way. I'd suggest trying your hardest to think the opposite of these thoughts. Try to visualize in your head what makes you HAPPY instead of DEPRESSED. Whatever it may be; just get a bunch of these thoughts and try to think about these regularly on a daily basis. Hopefully you'll eventually be thinking happy thoughts without even trying, and you'll slowly start to get out of that negative rut of thinking/feeling depressive thoughts all the time. It may not be a quick fix, but it's a start. Hang in there.

 

[Kaza]

I went for counselling today, got seen as an emergency. I should have said here what I meant by 'ic' - interstitial cystitis, a chronic inflammation of the bladder, incurable and permanently painful. Its basically like having a urinary tract infection 24 hrs a day. I always had a weak bladder, went to the loo a bit more than other people but that was all, I never had pain. Then last winter, I got a bladder infection and it never went away. I got told I had this interstitiatl cystitis, that it is incurable and that treatments can actually make you worse, not better. I planned suicide then after hearing this.

Pain is the only thing that makes me want to kill myself. I have surivived so much already in my life and none of that made me want to kill myself. But this nerve, burning pain does. I have tried all kinds of pain killers, natural herbs, everything, not only do they not help, Ive actually gotten worse or reacted badly to them, even to the natural herbs. The diet I am on is brutal, meat and veg, to prevent the pain, if I eat anything like bread or chocolate now, the burning comes back.

Thats why I cant hang on, its pain, nothing else, not thoughts, its real physical pain, inflammation in my bladder caused by something going on with my immune system. I couldnt live with 30 - 40 years of this.