Completly alone.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Talysmin, Oct 15, 2008.

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  1. Talysmin

    Talysmin New Member

    Hey I dont know how to start this off, but here it goes.
    I am a 22 year old and I feel like my life is never going to get any better. When I was 15 I was raped by my then 19 year old boyfriend violently. Ive kept it a secret my whole life because I am ashamed of it. I know its not my fault but its embarassing.
    My life started going downhill at that point. I dropped out of high school at 16 because I was expelled for acting out all the time. I went to college a little bit but lacked the motivation to finish my degree. I am now a retail manager making peanuts for pay and dont even want to get out of my bed anymore to go to work.
    I had a best friend for the last six years. When we first began hanging out, she was dating a guy named Mike. The three of us were inseperable for years, we even moved into the same apartment building just to be closer to eachother. She eventually broke up with Mike but me and Mike remained friends. I have been madly in love with him since they first got together.
    My best friend started dating a new guy and completely forgot I even exsisted. We went from seeing eachother 6 nights a week to maybe once a month..for an hour at best. She blamed me for the lack of contact, claiming that it was all my fault that we werent hanging out anymore. I havent talked to my best friend in 2 months. And she lives upstairs. She refuses to talk to me.
    A few months ago, Mike lost his job and his apartment. I let him move in with me because I couldnt bear to see him on the street. For the last few months, I have been supporting him in a sense. He is all I really have anymore, and I still love him so much. He is everything I ever hoped I would have in a relationship...except he doesnt want a relationship. I had a breakdown not to long ago and now he thinks Im bat-shit crazy. It wasnt my fault. Ive just been so depressed I couldnt handle it. I took some vicoden, ritilin, and drank quite a bit of alcohol, hoping I would die. He walked in on that, and I truly believe we would be together if I hadnt had that weak moment in my life.
    On top of that, I have been sleeping with a man for a year. He doesnt want a relationship at all. "Friends with Benefits". Me and him used to be really good friends until I realized what a fucking user he is. The ONLY time he calls me is if he wants something from me; a ride to work, help at his store, or sex. I am nothing more to him than a tool. And Ive grown to hate him. But because I have no one else, I continue to let him use me.
    I really thought Mike cared about me as a friend, but he is more interested in watching TV shows on his fucking MP3 player than talking to me. And when I do begin pouring my feelings out to him, he TRIES to listen, but looses interest extra fast.
    I have NO ONE in my life that cares about me. I am without any friends to talk to, no one to confide in. No one would even care if I wasnt around. I have thought about suicide EVERY DAY for the last 2 months and its CONSUMING every fiber of my soul. Im so afraid to tell anyone, I dont want anyone else to think Im crazy and leave me. I cant loose anyone else.
    Would it really be so wrong to do it if there isnt anyone who cares anyway?
  2. xXWhateverItTakesXx

    xXWhateverItTakesXx Forum Buddy

    Hey hun, by reading your post, I see that you are actually quite a strong person. Having gone through what you have. Have you ever talked to Mike about how you feel towards him, in an environment with no distractions? So maybe he won't lose interest :unsure:
    I can relate to you, with your best friend issue, it sucks but at the end of the day, they aint worth it, if they won't make an effort. There are people who care about you, I know SF cares about you :) I care about you, and I'm always willing to listen/talk to you

    Take care xx :hug:
  3. PeaceBlueFire

    PeaceBlueFire Well-Known Member

    Hi Talysmin,

    I know this probably won't mean much to you right now but I do care about you and what happens to you. You are loved even if you can't see it right now. I'm sorry that you have to go through all the trauma you did, especially at such a young age. That's some stuff that no one should ever have to experience. I hope after you start feeling the love and support you have around you everything will start to look a whole lot better.

    Not to take away from the problems you have right but more out of love I would like to tell you some things.

    1) You are not alone, nor will you ever be alone.
    2) There will always be someone in this world that loves and cares about you.
    3) Support isn't always easy to find and when you do find it, most of the time it is a long uphill battle rather than a smooth, straight path.
    4) There is hope, even in the gloomiest of situations.
    5) There are people here in SF that have been through some or all of the situations you have and made it through the other side. (I am one of them).
    6) I am here to talk, chat or e-mail anytime and I am sure there are others around you and here at SF that will gladly say the same. You may have already met some of them.

    Please Take Care of yourself and know that we are here for you. WE LOVE YOU and REALLY DO CARE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU!

    Peace :)
  4. Dave_N

    Dave_N Guest

    Hi Talysmin. Welcome to SF. :hug: I'm sorry that the men in your life can be so inconsiderate. Mike sounds like a great guy, but it seems like he is your friend so that he will have a place to live. I don't know if he will ever really love you. As for the other guy, he sounds like he is just using you. You need to find some new friends. There are many kind and caring people on SF who would love to be your friend, me included. :hug:
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