I am not exactly sure what i want to say, so this might turn into a long winded rant. I had a therapy session this morning, i was pretty much dissasociative the whole time. Anyway she was really happy with what we had talked about, said that the fact that i could notice and articulate changes in myself (most likely due to a recent med increase) was a really positive sign. It would normally take an atomic bomb for me to feel like there was any difference in how i was feeling. Sure the changes are minor in the scheme of things, however it's an improvement, a step forward. So i should be happy about that right? My first reaction when i got out of the appointment... Now, what can i do to fuck something up? What can i do to drag myself down again? You don't deserve to feel any better. You must suffer, you must sacrifice. I am not one to think that i am, or anyone for that matter is a hopeless case, but right now i feel like there is so much wrong i don't even know where to start. I'll spend my whole life, trying to get better, preparing myself for the time when i feel like i could be happy, have a family etc. I suppose i am scared that time will keep passing and one day i'll be really old, still trying to fix all these problems so i can start my life. Only to realise it's passed me by. So because i am aware of it, why not change it you ask?...your guess is as good as mine. I had thought i was compliant in my treatment, i take my medication and i go to therapy. I am honest and open as possible. I say, i trust in the process, and i do. But something in me is sabotaging everything. I know it's somewhat normal to resist to a certain extent because this is what i have always known, even though i am suffering, it is still what i know and 'comfortable'. Fear of the unknown and all. But i feel that there is something more to it then that. or maybe there isn't and it's just my wonderful talent of complicating everything. I am not sure what my point to all this is. I suppose i am just confused. Right now all this seems too much like hard work. I'm not even suicidal (wow i haven't been able to say that in a while) there is just this feeling in me, like an itch that can't be scratched, that won't go away. I don't mean to sound ungrateful of my opportunities, it is not the case. I suppose in summary, i know what i want, who i want to be, on the outside, it looks like i am doing everything i can to work towards that, but i am no longer certain this is the case.