Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Domo, Jun 28, 2010.

  1. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    I am not exactly sure what i want to say, so this might turn into a long winded rant.

    I had a therapy session this morning, i was pretty much dissasociative the whole time. Anyway she was really happy with what we had talked about, said that the fact that i could notice and articulate changes in myself (most likely due to a recent med increase) was a really positive sign. It would normally take an atomic bomb for me to feel like there was any difference in how i was feeling. Sure the changes are minor in the scheme of things, however it's an improvement, a step forward. So i should be happy about that right?

    My first reaction when i got out of the appointment... Now, what can i do to fuck something up? What can i do to drag myself down again? You don't deserve to feel any better. You must suffer, you must sacrifice.

    I am not one to think that i am, or anyone for that matter is a hopeless case, but right now i feel like there is so much wrong i don't even know where to start. I'll spend my whole life, trying to get better, preparing myself for the time when i feel like i could be happy, have a family etc. I suppose i am scared that time will keep passing and one day i'll be really old, still trying to fix all these problems so i can start my life. Only to realise it's passed me by. So because i am aware of it, why not change it you ask?...your guess is as good as mine.

    I had thought i was compliant in my treatment, i take my medication and i go to therapy. I am honest and open as possible. I say, i trust in the process, and i do. But something in me is sabotaging everything.

    I know it's somewhat normal to resist to a certain extent because this is what i have always known, even though i am suffering, it is still what i know and 'comfortable'. Fear of the unknown and all. But i feel that there is something more to it then that. or maybe there isn't and it's just my wonderful talent of complicating everything.

    I am not sure what my point to all this is. I suppose i am just confused. Right now all this seems too much like hard work. I'm not even suicidal (wow i haven't been able to say that in a while) there is just this feeling in me, like an itch that can't be scratched, that won't go away.

    I don't mean to sound ungrateful of my opportunities, it is not the case.

    I suppose in summary, i know what i want, who i want to be, on the outside, it looks like i am doing everything i can to work towards that, but i am no longer certain this is the case.
  2. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I have to rush out, but didn't want to leave without answering this post of yours :hug:

    I can relate to the bit where you say you feel like there's still an itch of something and all, I have that too.
    Point is to try and turn that itch into a positive thing. For me, there's always that itch too, but I just think, having that only makes me prouder of myself for being where I am today, even if it's not where I want to be eventually, it's further than where I was.

    Again I feel like I'm not making any sense, when it did make sense in my head.

    Anyway, we'll be in touch, I still owe you an email and you will be getting one later today (probably tomorrow for you then).

    For now, major hugs and cuddles for you :hug: :hug:
  3. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    You are absolutely right. I should be proud of my achievements.

    I suppose they just pale in comparison to what i have to go through and ther value is lost.

    And you make perfect sense :hug:

    I guess i am just scared i will never feel 'whole', that there is always going to be this itch, this emptiness.

    Thank you :hug:
  4. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    You gotta ask yourself though, does anyone ever feel completely 'whole'? Does such a things as ultimate happiness exist?
    Think about that for a second and then you'll find (at least I did) that there IS no such thing as ultimate happiness or feeling complete. It's all about what your definition of it is. I thought I could only be absolutely happy when I would have friends, a family of my own, certain pets, a nice house etc etc.
    But then I realised.. what about all that would be the thing to absotely make me happy? would it? In the end you create your OWN happiness. It's about your definition.

    I now find happiness in little things. and maybe those happy moments don't last for weeks at an end, but as soon as a happy moment passes I just find something else to give me another happy moment. Like the sun, or doing little fun things with friends, visiting family, going for runs, taking out a dog for a walk. Sports even. Even cooking can give me a moment of satisfaction and happiness, when I first used to hate cooking.

    I hope I'm of any help to you :hug:
  5. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    You are absolutely right, that ultimate happiness does not exist.

    I suppose i have been so busy looking at the bigger picture, the end goal that i didn't take time to enjoy those smaller moments of happiness. Which is funny, because i always say to people to enjoy the small things in life (Be it a beautiful sunrise, a stranger who puts a smile on your face) and all this time i was never applying this to myself. I was waiting for something more profound, so to speak. I thought it would take mountains to move me, to feel something.

    Thank you sweetheart, your post has really struck a chord with me.
  6. Daphna

    Daphna Well-Known Member

    Ultimate happiness does exist and I feel it every day. It can be achieved. I really do not understand how thinking it doesn't helps anyone. If you do not believe in it, you will just accept whatever. But once you do believe in it, you can work towards achieving it. I do agree that you should always enjoy what moments you do have, but I would not give up on having bigger moments to enjoy. It's possible. Blessings..
  7. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    I suppose my interpretation of the ultimate happiness differs from yours. I see it as, i am not going to reach a point where i go, 'Yep, this is it, life is perfect and it couldn't get any better'

    Being human we always are striving for more. Our nature is to continually evolve, to be something better.

    By not thinking there is a perfect state of being, i am not reaching for something unachievable. My goals are a reality and my growth will be a neverending process. I will continue to attempt to be the best person i can be.
  8. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    I think part of that feeling come from the fact that when depression gets a little less bad, somehow, it makes people feel less stable. At least, that's what I heard. It's why anti-depressants can increase suicidal feelings.
  9. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Sorry, Things, i am not quite sure what you are saying?
  10. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    Sorry, I'm very good at wording my thoughts.

    When people try new anti-depressants, they get less stable and more suicidal (or depressed) before it gets better. I'm not sure if this only happens with medication, but I meant that it might explain what your feeling. You're getting better, but somehow less stable.

    Again, sorry, I can't even make sense of what I'm thinking now. :/
  11. Domo

    Domo Well-Known Member

    Please don't be sorry, i often have that proble. I understand. I've actually been on this med for a little while, just had an increase though.

    I am actually feeling really great today. My mind is very clear, doorways are being opened for things i never thought possible. I'm not sure if it comes down to the med or not, either way i am going with it :)
  12. Things

    Things Well-Known Member

    That's great to hear! :) Maybe the increase might've been the cause of the (temporary) problem.
  13. Sa Palomera

    Sa Palomera Well-Known Member

    I'm glad my earlier post made you realise you should apply the whole "enjoy little things in life" to yourself now as well.

    big hugs your way and you know the way to my email inbox if you want to talk :hug: