Conclusive proof that I am not fit for this world.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Tabula Ras, Dec 18, 2013.

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  1. Tabula Ras

    Tabula Ras Member

    If it's not bad enough being unemployed, depressed, and completely terrified constantly throughout the day along with being rejected in interviews while having applications go unanswered, let the universe pile on more distress in my life.

    I receive a statement in the mail telling me I am being denied food stamps now because I do not have employment. The only reason I applied for food stamps for the first time in my life is due to not having employment, and out of nowhere, I am not worthy to survive on a whole new level in the wealthiest country in the world.

    "Able bodied adults aged 18-50 without dependents are limited to three months of benefits in any 36 month period unless the person is working an average of 20 hours per week or is otherwise exempt."

    While I am new to these government benefits, this sounds like to me I will no longer be receiving food stamps as of next month which is indicated in the letter itself. Finally I have received the highest caliber of conclusive proof that I am not fit for this world and do not belong anymore. When the very government I worked for and paid taxes throughout my life decides I am not worthy to even eat, because I cannot find employment, it's a clear message that the grim fate I have been planning for is the best route. There was the ever so slightest comfort that could possibly be fathomed which was if I decide to try to live on the streets after losing everything, there will be at least food stamps and the ability to eat while I was under the impression even the homeless and jobless qualify.

    When I thought things couldn't possibly get any worse as I was already living it and understanding how bad it could possibly get, this is a whole new era of distress which I cannot bear to handle. The last straw I truly needed to develop enough conclusive proof and courage that I shouldn't continue on with my being.

    I have heard many stories of people gaming the system for food stamps while living in houses with multiple vehicles and purchasing steak and lobster with these government benefits, but when someone like myself truly needs this multi-billion dollar benefit system, they are denied for the very reason they need the assistance.

    My last bit of mental comfort has gone back to the idea that perhaps there is a plan and destiny in this universe for me which is no longer the existence I reside in but the potential afterlife there may be. A higher calling in which I am being pulled forth towards due to the fact I am simply too good for this cruel world I have to constantly deal with while the universe can feel that debilitating pressure I constantly endure guiding me through the very fate which has been that plan to end my existence. Maybe a spiritual duty is awaiting my presence and this is finally the message brought forth to walk through that grim door as enlightenment, purpose, and peace will embrace on the other side.

    When my father's heart failed at the age of 54, the only comfort I could gather was the interesting aspect of the fact that he was born on a full moon and died on a full moon as his time of birth was basically exactly the same of his time of death indicated on the mysterious appearance of his birth certificate arriving in the mail while he fell against a grandfather clock which stopped the time in his passing. Friends mentioned he was too good for this planet, and now I will follow in his fate as it's obviously my turn to stop the clock being too good or not good enough for this life.

    I am not sure what can stop the tears at this point anymore as all I really desired was to work, hold a small apartment, and try to enjoy the simple aspects of life. There was no desire for a multitude of material possessions, fancy vehicles, modern clothing, big houses, a surplus of money, or even a romantic interest in starting a family. Just simplicity which I thought could be gained by my desire and ability for physical labor which I thought growing up would be just enough to get by and not have to worry so much. But no longer is breaking your back, working hard, sweating constantly, and having decent morals and work ethic a viable means of making a living. Survival is dependent upon the financial background one is born into obviously in this country which is exactly what was lacking in my life. I understand I am not as special or as worthy as I thought growing up anymore when I once upon a time had those feelings.
     
  2. TomB

    TomB Member

    I will construct a brief message,but understand this, I do this not because I hold any sympathy towards or for you, not because I can relate to you, not because you don't have a single reply and are crying out for help, not because you gave such lengthy reply to my own pointless topic. I am doing it for no reason at all really, so just take this at face value and make what you wish out of it. Like I said my brain detached me from this world, I do not really care for others or for my self , its strange I suppose.

    All humans in this world face hardship,suffering, loss of loved ones, illness, pain, joy,happyness, discovery ... well a wide spectrum of emotions. Although what we hate and have the most difficult time dealing with is change, and uncertainty. You are not the first person to loose your job, or to get hurt on the job, neither are you the last. You are not the first person, to feel helpless and lost and with out a sense of direction When your world that you have grown used to changed or rather thrown you out of it, you felt betrayed and lost. See this is a part of the problem, when ever we find a friend, or a job, or a place of residence that we reside in... We grow attached to it, we build our lives around it, around the things that we know. We do this because its easy, and gives us a false sense of security knowing that if I go to place x and make money, I will go to place Y and and cook, eat,sleep... rinse and repeat. You get used to this routine, your brain gets wired a certain way, and it grows attached to your place of work, to your place of residence, because it provides a false sense of security. And then all of the sudden you take one thing away, and the whole equation crumbles leaving you feeling vulnerable,betrayed... Because now, you have to think, now you cannot rely on this equation, now you really have to be aware of everything if you want to build something that resembles the previous equation. So you try, but bare no fruits of success... Despair comes in, you are doing your absolute best best but nothing seems to work or go as planned. So once you run out of options, you run out of ideas... and your mind looks for a simple way out from this sadness your feeling, its solution is simply to kill the user, then you will not have to try, you will not have to be sad, you will not be disappointed, you will not have to suffer.

    It's real simple , its something I use to tell my self. Life will beat you down to your knees, and once you are on your knees it will beat you down on your back, and it will not stop there, It will not hold any sympathy for you. If you allow it, if you are weak, it will kill you. And the criminal that ended your life will not be "life or fate" it will be you. A man once told me, it is a crime to be weak, not a crime against the society but a crime against your self, and in this world all we have is ourselves. Weak die out, strong survive, Im sorry for being this blunt, but this is the way of the world, of life.

    You are going through changes in your life, its normal for a human to feel the way you do, and most people in this world at least once or twice in their lives feel the way you feel now. But in order to survive, you have to keep fighting and keep pushing forward, you have to keep trying, that's all there is to it. All you need is work, with work you will have money, and with money you will be able to have things or I should say the lifestyle you once had. You can apply for jobs that you would not normally apply for, only temporarily while you look for something decent. I know if you fill out an application and actually call the organization couple days later to "check up", it increases your chances of landing a job. And if you do land a sh1ty part time job, which is not that hard to obtain, especially if you lower your self and explain the situation you are in, I feel someone might feel sympathy for you and give you some type of work, part time work like you stated will give you more time to look and give you food stamps.

    So it all comes down to you, and the effort you make for your self.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 18, 2013
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