Confession & Apology

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Oct 15, 2011.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I am not this person you all think I am.

    I am selfish, extremely so. I am wanting of attention. I am me; this messed up, sad, hurting and confused person.

    But I am also bad. Plain & simple.

    So many of you have been good to me, for that I am extremely grateful. Thank you for your words, compassion and comfort. I feel so guilty putting demands on your time and energies. We all have our own struggles, so why should I be special?

    I will always end up hurting you. Whomever you may be. Always.

    Its just not worth it to communicate with me, end of story. And I can't at this time, I just can't. And I feel awful I cannot support those of you who have supported me. I should be able to be there for you.

    And even this thread is more of the same I suppose - however much in disguise I might try to make it.

    I am sorry, so sorry.
     
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    I think you are being very hard on yourself. :hug: You have given me words of comfort in the past, and I've seen you do it for others, as well.

    This forum is built on a "give and take" idea - give if/when you can; take (accept) support as you need it. There is nothing wrong with needing and, in your time of need, not being able to return the support.

    Please, go easy on yourself. You do support others here when you are able to.
     
  3. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    Everyone is special - usually it takes someone to point that out to you - but for me - I always knew it anyhow - and see it in others regardless.

    As for not being the person we think you are - wow - are you a real life Serial killer? If you perchance met me - you'd brain me with an axe? - or maybe your name is not MoAnamCara! - I feel so cheated!

    I'm just trying to lighten things - I mean - I feel as bad as you do at times - in fact this week - I am epically pi**ed off - I should have went to London to show the young how to demonstrate - and - well - in the UK I cannot say what I think anymore - but I say it anyway. I hope the Stock Exchanges are turned to dust. I'm not taking any sh** from politicians who have a wife and a love interest, coke habit and dishonesty to the core of their shrivelled darkened husks of their souls.

    lol - and I'm a peace loving guy? Sometimes - I wonder.

    And you think being sad, messed up and hurt and confused means we should hate you?

    If so - you gotta hate me also - I feel like that sometimes - but never in public. In fact I was in the lift before - looking at my refection in the vandal proof plexiglass mirror - and thought to myself that of all the thousands of people I'd met - people I'd spent some time with - none of them REALLY knew me. No way was I going to say ...

    "Hi - my names (whatever) and actually - I feel suicidal sometimes - and although we have only just met - I got to confess that have felt like dying for over 30 years - and wish I had my own nuclear arsenal sometimes - because I got anger issues - not at women or kids - or most men - just some men - and all politicians, lawyers, most journalists and approx 80% of the planet really - although I've not got time to argue the error of their ways with approx 4.5 billion people. Not only time is an issue - language also. I feel insecure also - plus I know lots of people in jail - so maybe I'm bad for people I know."

    Sorry if this is - not appropriate - but I know some of your troubles Mo - and not for one moment have you made ANY demand on my time or energy. I know 100% that if your life was good right now - and I said I felt like dying - you'd help me with some kind words - you know this also! So - sorry honey - you are not 'bad' - and like many with depression you just feel that way.

    With me - everyone who knows me thinks I'm a good man. I sometimes think I'm not - I got a past - was not always so nice - but many men in my area got a past - lol - most have a present life that is pretty much lawless. So - I wish I was honest - I regret that - and to be honest Mo - I cannot see you robbing back in the day!

    So - I got wrongs I done! Plus - all this juvenile delinquency - I missed an education also - alas- in the UK even Einstein would be jobless if he appeared with no qualifications. He would be in a pub telling patrons about EC 2 = whatever. He'd be testing gravity - or Newton would - falling over outside a pub.

    I am capable of being bad. I think that all of us have the capacity to be good or evil. I have no illusions there about myself - but I know that I'd never hurt a woman or child - most men - but beyond that I cannot commit. I just think every man in this world - we all face that old 'good versus evil' battle - mainly in our head! - you know most people struggle with that all their lives - its normal - we'd never define ourselves without that going on.

    But - I could be bad - not made my mind up yet. I got options. Depends on what life throws up - and what injustices I could tackle. Take your pick in this world! I got ambitions that go beyond the average set ups.

    Anyhow...

    Right now Mo - you came up with 'bad' - defining yourself that way - because you think your a bad person to know. Actually its nonsense - your a very nice woman - you DO care but maybe you got CARE FATIGUE - you know - you care for others and get little in return? - For years - I struggled with that one - but my analysis was that when we can care we should - when we need help - we have to reach out and also have our own strategies so we do not overwhelm people. I am ultra aware of my depression - how it might affects others if I am not careful.

    So - you will NEVER see me in the street confessing the blues. People do that to me - the other night some guy - walking his dog - well he got me for forty minutes. My life - was hijacked. Next time the guy passes me - well - I'm on my way to somewhere - because he was drunk - had a few pints - and confessed to me.

    You know why I come here Mo? Because nobody here is crying the blues - I mean the things we all deal with are difficult - and some of it we cannot say. You keep your privacy obviously - its not like your hiding - its your soul your pouring out and NO WAY I'd want to be outed in public. Hmmm - well - to be honest I don't actually - I can always fight anyone who wants to play the bigot - plus you know in life - if your nasty to people on the way up (or nasty when your happy) - on the way down you meet those people. That's why I am generally nice - its insurance - survival - but also just me - because I'll be nice to anyone - give everyone 100 points - then wait to see how things go. But once introduced to someone - I'll always say hello.


    Anyhow - I had tons of setbacks this year. I'm not comparing to you Mo - and no way do I want anyone to EVER think they are less than me!! If you think I'm cool - then you got to see that in yourself because I can match all the issues here - not the causes - but the effect I have had it all in buckets - and keep saying my biggest mistake was holding things in!

    Depression and those issues - I can defeat them but life itself - you cannot fight that and just have to accept it. I'm a good man - but sometimes in the late of night - I'm laying down plans against myself - I should be getting a bit high in the local pub - they will affirm I'm cool - some say great - but right now I don't need that. Cutting yourself off though - its not good. Sometimes the winter - I can have weeks like that - for me its easy - I could go missing and its not like a big deal. People I know accept that - not like its a choice - but people are like that we come with quirks that you like or not.

    Plus - if I paid for a meal - 50% of the time I'm not paying - and no woman wants that! I'm talking about quality of food. Another quirk! But such fun to argue with a Chinese chef that he is in fact dousing food in MSG (mono-sodium glutamate) - and - well - I used to write a lot of letters of complaint. Free things delivered to me - apologies from anyone from sauce makers to superstores apologising for staff who really did think I was going to take some crap.

    I hate being impatient! Worse still - I'm impatient but generally late. So I am impatient with myself.

    I love people though - I feel so much for anyone born here on Earth - but its sad that many have gone bad.

    I know really bad people - I mean the criminal types who - if they were paid enough - would even kill me - though they liked me! Just business - you know the mentality. I know people who I'd NEVER take anywhere. Some violent ones - the young are the worse as they got to make a reputation - and these days its guns - not a good old fist fight on the local field.

    These guys are bad - but there is BAD - I mean - for me abusers. Men who beat women and kids - rapists and so on. I think some men - and women - are just evil - but I think the ones who rule this world - people who own the media and never put themselves in there - are evil beyond comparison.

    I know depression is always going to make people feel guilty - but we blow it out of all proportions. Sure - some here might be 'bad' - in that we may be impatient with others - or snap at them. A cruel word - can go a long long way. throw one at a child they may pick it up and run with it for years. So - for me - I try and leave people with a kind word - because one day - sadly for all of us - you lose loved ones and friends, family and workmates - neighbours and so on. I'd hate to lose someone and have said something unkind!!! THAT would hurt me bad - but rightly so.

    Anyhow mo - I can call you that? - well - I do go on a bit!

    For years I thought I was attracted to quiet women who never said much - then I realised - they could not get a word in edgeways!

    Anyhow - with Christmas coming up - I think I'll turn gay - that way - I can be sure - another man might be on my 'wave-length' and buy me a Gibson Les Paul. Costly stuff - but its thought that counts! You could see a man buying another man a good present! In return - I'd read poetry, walk on some hills under the starry night and talk some of that good old talk. We could talk football - watch the game together eating - er, not sure - pizza? But keep it platonic and maybe have a good argument on Jan 23rd - break up - send emails accusing each other of supporting another football team and not liking Elliot or Keats.

    Sigh -I'd have to give the guitar back.

    But hold on - let me keep it for the memories of the good times we had.

    Maybe I should turn Sikh instead?

    Anyone ever tried to seek a sick Sikh secretly?

    Say that ten times fast - I bet you will not do it - but laugh at the fail.

    Try it.

    I know you will!!

    Yours - united in being messed up and bad to know and so on!

    Regards.

    Maybe if you read all this you might wonder what the **** it was in the forst place that got you so down.

    Hope so!
     
  4. Moat

    Moat Banned Member

    No one here is exactly what they wishes to be and we all will have one or three skeletons in life that we never will tell anyone about.
    it is simply human nature to beat yourself up when you're feeling at one of your worst. Accept them but also do not lose sight of your thoughts and feelings when you are happy. They can go a long way to boosting your self worth and confidence.
    Like Acy said, the forums are give and take and from some of your posts I have read you do not give yourself as much credit for helping others as you should.
    Sit back, take a time out and just go about what you have been doing. Your actions might not amount much to you, but to others yiu engage with here, even a simple friendly greeting or pasting a cute emoticon :)bubbles:) is enough to brighten someone's day.

    So, will I accept your apology? Nope! You've done nothing that warrants apologising for.