Confession:becoming a mtf transgender and my best friend that I deceived & abandoned

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by Lastnight, May 17, 2015.

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  1. Lastnight

    Lastnight Active Member

    If my utter insanity wasn't apparent before, it will be after I finish telling this tale of mine
    Please allow me to begin...

    When I was 18, I was a depressed closet N.E.E.T. that suffered greatly from Tinnitus.
    I spent most of my time sleeping, playing video games and browsing the internet.
    Over time, I developed an interest in online avatar-based games.

    I kept my identity as a N.E.E.T. secret from others,
    and I quickly ended up gravitating to female-based avatars, despite being biologically male.
    At first I simply used female bases for my entertainment, notifying other players that I was male.

    However... over time, I started to pretend that I was in fact female.
    Eventually, I upheld a fairly convincing female guise; forming a few friendships under the pretense that I was female.
    I even went as far as to research information regarding the female form(Such as menstrual cycles, cup sizes and standard clothing) to better conceal my true indentity.

    I gradually began to warp my perceived identity as my personas started to consume me, but I kept "roleplaying" as I actually found it thrilling to do so and had genuinely began to cherish the friendships I had formed.
    I kept doing so and didn't think too much of it, until...

    One night I shared a particularly enjoyable experience with another person using a female avatar in a specific avatar based community(Let's say Second Life).
    We got along quite well, and established a healthly friendship that same night.

    Shortly afterwards, I discovered that my new friend was actually male.
    I was rather disappointed and confused, as I was admittedly attracted to that person and identified as a heterosexual male at the time in real life.
    Regardless, I decided to continue upholding my female persona and spend time with him.

    We spent time online with each other nearly ever day, and over time, I found that I deeply enjoyed his company.
    We literally never fought, he would introduce me to his friends, and he would often go out of his way to spend time with despite him being quite busy in real life.

    Hanging out with him greatly kept my depression at bay, and made me excited to wake up each morning knowing that I would get to spend time with him.
    I grew increasingly stressed having to maintain my persona as a female who was in school, but I endured the tension because I appreciated him so much.

    Eventually... I realized that I had fallen madly in love with him.
    Even if he didn't feel the same way towards me, I would be fine just having him as a close friend due to immense loyalty to him.

    I decided to confess my real-world status to him, and we scheduled a long private conversation.
    The confession lasted for hours... and to my surprise, he was completely accepting of me as a lazy NEET.
    It was extremely heartfelt for both of us, and I actually cried tears of joy.

    He encouraged me to not give up on life, and ended on a final note, he said that he loved me and that he appreciated the honesty bewteen us. I was completely touched.

    Until I logged off and realized one thing: I didn't tell him that was I was male.
    Those warm words expressing his appreciation of our honesty transformed into a dagger of guilt that struck my heart.
    I would have sacrificed nearly anything of mine to become a real female at the time.
    I ended up falling into despair the same night.

    I became utterly disgusted with myself, and terrified of losing him.
    I eventually came up with a plan: commit suicide without mentioning anything to anyone.
    I attemtped the very next day - and failed.

    After my failure, I decided to delete all of the rest of my friends without saying a word, and I sent him a message saying that we couldn't hang out anymore.
    He responded immediately with a great deal of passion and concern, and continued to do periodically for weeks.
    I was steadfast in ignoring him, and he eventually gave up.


    The above occurrence isn't the only series of friendships that I have abandoned after abolishing an online persona that I created, but it is the one that left the greatest void in my heart.
    I have masochistically done so on several other online communities.

    To this day, I still haven't learned my lesson.
    I continue the cycle of self-abuse by maintaining female personas that warp and eat away at my perceived indentity.
    I utterly loathe my physical male body, and continue to grow further disconnected from it.

    What wtf is wrong with me... I'm so stupid and crazy...
    I have kept this to myself for the past 5 years, never telling anyone.
    ...Thank you for listening.
  2. NYJmpMaster

    NYJmpMaster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Re: Confession:becoming a mtf transgender and my best friend that I deceived & abando

    I am sorry that you feel you need to conceal things in order to be happy but truly suspect that there are many online that would accept you equally as well even if openly a mtf transgender. I would suggest you give that a try so that there is no need to continually repeat the same ending at some point. I would like to point out one other reason for making a genuine attempt at honesty- what you are describing as " a cycle of self-abuse by maintaining female personas that warp and eat away at my perceived indentity" while perhaps a form of self abuse is in fact leaving a trail of other victims behind you that deserve your consideration as well. While self harm and self abuse are tragic if there are victims and the lives and identities and feelings of others involved (which there clearly are) trying to portray it as simply self abuse is even more disingenuous than the lie that starts it. You are not the victim of self abuse, you are in fact being abusive towards others so changing the way you act is not just something that needs to be done to help yourself though I do believe it will help you greatly as well.
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