Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by RogueGrendel, Apr 15, 2008.

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  1. RogueGrendel

    RogueGrendel Member

    I'm so fucking lonely!

    I keep trying to kill myself but I can't take that last step.

    Two days ago at 4:30 am I stood on a railway bridge and watched two freight trains pass me by at arms length.

    I tried to make myself move but I couldn't.

    I just stood there transfixed like some kind of idiot.

    Even after that I still couldn't fucking cry.

    Everyday I feel like crying but I can't, I can feel the pressure building behind my eyes but it just won't come out.

    The only thing that helps is cutting.

    When I cut I feel numb, like the pain is happening to someone else, but at least I have the scars to remind me.

    I use a serrated kitchen knife, and kind of saw into my arm. That way I can cut without too much blood.

    The scars heal really quickly, which surprised me.

    I probably should cut somewhere else where people won't be able to see, but if I wear a jumper noone sees anyway.

    To be honest I could care less what other people think anyway, fuck them if they don't get the joke!

    I feel like I want to scream, cry, break everything, set the world ablaze with my hate but I can't I just act as if nothing is wrong.

    I tried calling the samaritans and they were fucking useless, some middle aged bird in Dundee with no fucking idea trying to analyse me. Fuck, I can't even analyse me and I'm not stupid and I know myself intimately.

    I can't tell my mom, I tried and she had no idea how to deal with it so I shut up, really quick.

    I told some friends and my little brother but they don't get it, they don't understand.

    If they did understand they'd probably join me on the bridge.

    One thing I did notice on the last attempt was that someone else had been there before, there was a rope tied to the railing like someone had jumped and hung themselves, maybe that's what I need to do instead?

    You know what the samaritans woman told me when I told her about the suicide attempts? "Suicide is a very selfish act."

    Like I'm a fucking retard, as if I haven't fought with that constantly and when the pain gets too bad haven't taken that selfish option every time I take the walk to the tracks.

    Fucking idiot, it's like telling someone in the desert asking for water that the sand is quite hot.

    I hate feeling like this, I remember when life was all new and fun and yeah sometimes it was scary but I prided myself on not letting myself be scared.

    Now this, like a lifetime of fear came crashing down all at once.

    I tried writing notes, they suck! How do you explain to someone you love dearly that you are so pathetic that you'd rather abandon them than live another moment feeling this way?

    How the fuck do you communicate the pain you're feeling without infecting them?

    All my life people have said what do you want to be? What are you going to do with your life? Looking to me with my fancy education as if I can change a fucking thing.

    My stock answer is "I don't know". The truth would burst their tiny fucking minds.

    I'm writing this and listening to music at two minutes to three in the morning, desperately trying to keep myself distracted.

    There's a knife in the kitchen and worse there's a fucking train due in half an hour and every half hour after that...


    Okay, I'm back and I didn't cut yet... well just a little one.

    I don't know what to do!

    Everyone's asleep and I need to talk and no-one's there!

    I think I'm losing it
  2. Gunner12

    Gunner12 Well-Known Member

    I'm not sleeping yet.

    At least you got some of your anger out here.

    They reason you didn't jump and didn't die is because it's not you time to go. You're not an idiot, it just wasn't your time. You still have many more years ahead.

    Write everything down in a note book. It doesn't matter how it is written, as long as you get as much of it out as possible. You can even burn the notebook in a safe area to see your hate and unhappyness go up in flames and never bother you again.

    Do you have any one you can call?
  3. BrokenChaos

    BrokenChaos Member

    I still cut as a way of relief...

    I know where your at dude.... Been there many times....

    Stay away from religious freaks as all they will do is impose righteousness and may even cite law to you....

    Grap some food and get a soft drink..... Lay down in bed and watch a good movie..... Just pig out till you sleep...

    Cheers mate
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