confession

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by White.Ryan.Life, Dec 17, 2008.

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  1. White.Ryan.Life

    White.Ryan.Life New Member

    Hey all.

    I want you to listen to my story.



    I guess I started out all right. I come from a middle class family, average parents, one sibling with me being the eldest.

    I went to a prestigious pre-school, but hardly remember a thing.
    I never had any desperate wants or needs in life, as either they were already there or I just gave up wanting what I didn't have.

    I had average friends whom none of them were considered special.

    To sum it all up, I had an average life.


    I come from an Asian family, Korean actually, and when my family decided to move to New Zealand when I was 7, I got to live there up until now.

    I have lived in NZ eversince, and now I am 22 years old.
    Having lived overseas for more than half of my life, I am able to speak 3 languages, Korean, English and Japanese. And I guess this is my strongest point.

    Anyways, after the move, I still had a very average life (being the average joe I am -_-;;) having picked up english in about a year and just living my life without any language barriers.

    The trouble came when I entered Highschool.

    Having done part time modelling (before the move), I always regarded myself special at the least. Y'know...different from others.

    When I entered Highschool, I realised I was one of the million students out there, and 1 of who knows how many average people in this world.

    When I one day woke up and realised that I was no longer special, things began to change.

    I was actually a 'try-hard' if I think about it, and whenever I sensed someone was better than me at something, I'd try and change that with my own efforts eventually believing that I'd be better than that person et cetera.

    But after my awakening, I just had to ask the question- why try?
    If I am one of the 60 billion average people, and no matter what I do someone will always be better than me, why bother putting effort in in the first place?

    It was like...I could see myself in the future- no matter how hard I'd try, all I would be able to achieve would be stuff my parents already have- an average car, average house, average kids and a wife

    ...an average life.

    And really, lets face it- why bother try to achieve something so average, something that millions of people already have?

    it's like buying a lotto ticket expecting to win 20 bucks- an average amount.
    We all buy lottery tickets to win something big right? like a million bucks.

    It all made sense in my head, and since then my depression began.




    There actually was a time when I tried to change the cycle. Breaking that bad thought and trying to rekindle my interest in life.

    I tried many things actually...things like working as a bartender- drinking and partying and hitting on girls and so on

    After a while I figured that alcohol wasn't really for me (I couldn't hold it) and I really didn't like being drunk to begin with anyhow.

    Girls were interesting in the beginning- but sex was not something I enjoyed (which even surprised myself) it was rather a hassle actually and what I had to go through to get sex just wasn't worth it

    Having a girlfriend was never really my thing, as I wasn't looking for any deeper relationships either- after going through a few average relationships with average girls I just decided this ain't my kicks.

    And the party? well...partying was fun before I got sick of girls.

    I started losing interest in other people after losing interest with the opposite sex, and just kinda shut myself out.

    I guess another reason why I lost interest in women is because of my mother- which is my second problem besides being depressed.

    The story with my mom is pretty simeple. Y'know those stereotypical asian parents? well that's what she is, plus without my father being there for her to relieve her stress.

    When my family moved overseas, my dad went back to Korea after a year to resume his job (professor at some college) and because of that, my mom had no one to turn to when she was troubled. She eventually learned to deal with it herself (I guess keeping it within) and as a result, all the stress accumulated.

    After all this time, she still can't speak English 100% so she doesn't really have many friends- and the ones whom she does call friends all have their husbands thus keeping my mom from attending all sorts of public attendances because people would often wonder why she turns up alone and she couldn't take that no more.

    Having said all this, who do you think she lashes out to to lose that steam?
    ME.

    My brother, who is a very average person, actually gets on with his average life so mom doesn't really say anything to him but as for I who just became an easy target really became mom's scapegoat eversince....god knows.

    I tend to think that because my mom is an average person, eventually all the average girls would become something similar to her. And that is a BIG turn off.

    You see how the media portrays a streotypical hysterical woman? exaggerations aside, women are not without those traits (if you are a girl and are offended by reading that, well same could be said about men so don't take offense)

    We are all imperfect, and I don't wish to take on another imperfect being plus all the drama, insecurities and so on

    If I liked sex, then I could just go for that but I really dont enjoy sex.

    Anyways, after getting used to my mom blowing off steam at me, I could see the change in her- she would no longer get the satisfaction of accusing me and thus she sought after god.

    Nowdays she goes to church whenever she can and often talks about god and shit

    eh......

    Where do I stand now? well...

    I failed college- wasn't really into studying... enrolled just to get government money

    No car- it got sold when my mom didn't have any money and I wasn't here to stop it

    No job- wasn't interested in extra money + didn't want anything anyway

    No friends- none were fun or worth it

    No girlfriend- my last one disappeared after causing some freak accident while drunk

    Plus on top of all this, I got fat, I smoke, I stay in my room all day

    My bank balance is near 0 .... (actually its on the negative so I have a dept)

    ahh....the list goes on..


    I guess at one point I just stopped trying because I could see where I would end up and I didnt like it.

    I am not complaining that my life sucks or anything tough, it was my decision to stop trying, and I didn't like the idea of having to give effort just to maintain my mediocre life.

    I don't have anything I like, or to do.
    And the worse thing is, that there are people like me out there who have been depressed longer than I have been. It just proves there is no 'cure' and that's good(?) to know...

    it's like an endless cycle ....because the question comes back-

    why bother try?



    Why try in life?
     
  2. jameslyons

    jameslyons Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry to hear you're having such a miserable time!

    Your depression may have caused you to feel that there's no point in living an "average" life. Depression causes a person to thinks lots of things in a manner that tricks the person into believing the idea comes from them.

    You are one person out of 6 billion people, not 60 billion--you're already much more special.

    Most 22 year olds don't have money in the bank.

    Most people who suffer from mental distress like depression don't have/loss their jobs.

    Depression steals your energy and makes you emotionally withdraw. While depressed there's little interest in things like sex, relationships, or social events. I don't mean to indicate that you're not sincere in your dislike of sex/women/parties, I just want to suggest that there's a possibility depression caused you to turn from social events.


    Overall, it's not a matter of labeling you, as much as telling you that the feelings you have are not uncommon to many of the people here.

    Stay strong,

    james.
     
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